Well....this past Sunday marked 3 years to the day since Mike died. I started this blog one year after and it has been a great place to pour out my thoughts, hurts, insights, disappointments and struggles that resulted from God saying, "No" when prayers were sent, fervently and repeatedly, asking him to heal Mike and keep him with us on this side of heaven.
Jesus stayed very true in that He held me and the girls in His hands throughout Mikes illness as well as right afterwards. I really believe we walked, literally, on the prayers of our family and friends during those initial days and weeks right after Mike died and during the short 4 months he fought hard to beat the cancer.
But, as my blog clearly showed....my own walk with Him was subsequently and seriously de-railed after the initial fog and shock wore off. A sense of being betrayed and hurt by my best friend (Jesus) replaced the gratitude and thankfulness and begat another loss...that of my close walk with my Lord.
Which left me dealing not just with one loss but two! And living a life that had become completely upended. So.....those of you who read and followed along my blog...got the joy that comes from watching me traverse through the hurt and pain that followed Mikes death and the separation from Jesus that I felt and struggled, albeit belatedly...to restore.
And I can honestly say that now...I am back in a bond with Jesus that is a heart bond...not just an intellectual one...finally and thankfully again. And with it...comes the recognition too that, while I am never going to stop shedding tears and missing Mike..and that it WILL, for now, continue to happen sporadically every day....I am "okay". The missing and sadness that now happens doesn't leave me in the munched, scrunched, pounded to a pulp and yet very empty-state of heart as it used to leave me. It's not a fun few moments when the memory and loss hits...but it doesn't hold the same whollup. It feels more like getting hit out of the blue, several times a day...with a wadded up down comforter. You feel it. It's there. And tears come. But there's padding now.
I believe it's because my relationship with Jesus is restored. I am beyond words able to describe what that is like...if you don't know it. If you have it yourself, then you understand. So I spend much of each day chit chatting with Mike during the whallups...and the Lord in between and during them also. And so my life...is good.
The future does not look bleak as it once did. Life has "gone on". Not past Mike. But still forward. Katie is about to get married and will move to Michigan. Amie has been performing in Dollywood now for months and will continue to be here...and gone again. So I know now what life without Mike and ...without the girls...is like. Not terrible. Not what I wanted and dreamed and thought was going to be my life. But...not terrible. I am going back to school...will get my Masters and do Nurse Practitioner-ing. Changing up how I handle my rentals. And may end up doing who knows what....but always, hand in hand with Jesus and talking to Mike.
We'll see if romance is something the Lord has for me someday. Would be nice. Not the cure all for sure though. And we'll see where I end up living...doing...etc. I'm only 56. There's a lot of life out there. And I certainly hope that with what the Lord has left me...I do something with it that
will help Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Maybe missions or indian reservations or something of that sort as an N.P. will be possible. Or maybe it will just be serving in the myriad of ways in my day to day life that God opens up to each of us...if we open our eyes to see the opportunities. So...that will be my goal for now.
Up to this point, my goal was to get my relationship with Jesus back on track. I am
able to say... "check".
And the coping with widowhood...well...that goes on. It just doesn't require a blog anymore. So...closure is a good thing. Bye Blog. I truly hope that someone, somewhere, sometime reads this...and finds it has helped them through their own walking through grief. Because it sucked to not really have anyone else my age who truly "got it" And I guess you never find anyone who truly will "get" anyones individual walk, other than God....cause the age you are, the quality of the relationship you had, the length of time of that relationship, and just all the little aspects that were unique to it and to you...will make it different from anyone elses grief. Sigh. I guess that is why the only one who will ever truly understand what a journey like the one I've been walking is like...is the hand I'm now holding onto very very tightly. Because without Jesus, the coping...is so hard. And with Him...the coping ...is so hard, but so much better.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Letter to Mike...
Hey Mister Man.... Happy Birthday! Wow...58! Such an old man you are now. Pretty lucky guy though...having such a younger-than-you wife! Yep...I always enjoyed those two months out of every year when I was younger than you! I never wanted to be a "cougar" so ...glad you were the one ahead of me in the nursery that year.
But Mike, what are you...age-wise I mean...really...now? I mean...in heaven? Hmmm. I wonder.
I bet that you look like you did when I met you. What a hunky and young guy you were. Still "not my type" or at least that is what I thought when I met you. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on you...shy and obviously uncomfortable...the friend of Joey. I immediately just wanted to put you at ease. Didn't realize I was meeting my best friend. We had so MUCH fun those first years I knew you...even before the romance happened. But then...a few years go by and it was amazing..how much you grew on my heart! Such a mans' man too. Without "trying to be". None of that machoistic garbage. You just were... such a man. Loved that. Well...also you know how I also loved your muscles! I mean gosh Mike! So dang strong you were. They still give me goosebumps just thinking about those biceps. Such strength and sweetness all in one shy and manly package. Crazy to realize......You weren't at all who I thought I was looking for. Just everything I needed....and was so lucky, so super very very lucky...to get!
I miss you. Especially the laughing. Gosh Mike...you always made me laugh. So MUCH fun did we have just in sparring and teasing each other. I doubt we went an entire day where we didn't make each other smile or laugh at least once. None of that slapstick, buffoon stuff...nope...and dry but not too dry either. You were king of the absolutely perfectly timed and worded...zinger observation that would leave me in stitches. Even though I sometimes provided the fodder for them. And why not? Because even if the zinger is aimed at me...one should appreciate the aptness and zinger-worthiness...of a truly perfect zinger! :). Such fun!
But...Mike...just so you realize...I'm not in major doldrums. I do laugh... without you. I can even guffaw. But the humor isn't the same "type" and there's not a shared-ness about it.
Hey...did you know (cause I don't know exactly what you do/don't know of life on this side moment by moment) but...I met 2 guys who were also wondering if there was another person they could be romantic-ish with... in this life. But, while both were nice...neither seemed to possess a great sense of humor. Though..I only met each once. Still...you'd think I'd have noted it don't you? If it was there? So...while very nice...no chemistry. Sad. So neither seem to be worth my while really. And my while is precious. I value my while very much since you've been gone. I realize how quickly time can pass and also... end. And that my while/time can be oh so very easily wasted. Yep. Waiting in lines, doing the silly little daily tasks and cleanings that need done but in the grand scheme of thing...such precious moments...totally wasted.
Moments far better spent in relationship. With people. Doing things for people. Because that's what matters. The relationship moments. I know that. Though, I have to admit, that my time alone as I am right now, curled up with Giz next to me while I type this letter to you....are very enjoyed and precious moments too. But I'm spending them, in a sense, with you...and with God..and Giz. So still in relationship. Plus....this is the best time...because rain is pouring down outside!
Hmmm. So...where am I now in my walk with our God. You're doing your walk the best! The walk we all long for is yours right now. But for me... I live my days usually in a relatively serene manner I guess. I'm not unhappy so it must be a form of peace. And...when life gets is rocky and stress spews out due to repairs or Mom-hood stuff or money stuff etc......Jesus will douse me with His grace and strength. So I get hosed down with that periodically as I trudge through my days without you.
I'm just glad that the huge gulf that had opened up between me and God during the months and even years that followed your memorial service as the initial shock and denial finally wore itself off....is so much narrower! Not gone. But neither as deep nor as wide as it used to be. It is bizarre though in that the edges separating the gulf undulate some...so that there's times when I feel I could jump the gap easily....and be in His lap...and other times when it seems like a carnival ride that just swerved me to the left or the right and the gap yawned wide again....only to have it spin me back the other direction and wallah...it's back to being a tiny rift and not a huge canyon. The one thing that remains huge for me is my desire to draw nearer to Him and re-establish the closeness we'd had before.....you got sick. Actually surpassing my before-you-died-closeness with God remains my goal. I shall continue to chase my God down....because it's the only thing every person should be doing. If these chases are repetitive in life...like a relay race full of heats and semi-finals and finals...(which is what it feels like to me)...then I want to be in the group of "firsts" to reach the goal (sitting in God's lap) every heat, every semifinal run, to the very last one! I don't ever want to be in the "lasts" group. (Hahah....I know you'll easily figure out what bible verse I'm referencing with that...or will you ? :)
It's still raining outside with occasional bursts of lightening. I'm propped up with pillows in my "new" bed that I got after you died (gosh...you would've liked it. It's a tempurpedic). You would like this room too. So strange is it to live in the house we restored over a decade ago...yet now reside in a part "we" were often inside of, but that wasn't "our" home. And now is. And...I've changed it up a good bit too so it feels like a part of our home we were never in before and yet still were. Sigh...only you and the girls and grandma and grandpa will understand how that all fits together and makes sense.
But...here I am in my "new" home and my "newly-created" bedroom (I turned the one bedroom duplex downstairs from us into a two bedroom duplex) typing away and have only to look up to find your framed face. Your face is ...well...in several places in this room! All staring back with those eyes of yours that are so darn kind! Eyes are the windows to the soul...and your eyes are so kind Mikey. So very kind.
Whoa...some serious lightening there! Hurricane Hermine is getting stronger outside. I do love storms! Anyways, I digress.
Back to my room ...which would've been ours. I used lots of light and friendly colors when I decorated it. It's a happy room. I was quite deliberate in making it that way too. It's my escape place. So while the rest of the house has an ambience and decor that says... "well, hello.....Yes this IS a lovely and quite beautiful "historic" home, don't you agree?"
My bedroom doesn't say anything by "hi!". It is simply bright and friendly. Not modern. Not historic. Just...cheerful. And here's the best part Mike.....when I designed the construction of the second bedroom...eg: mine...I designed it it so that it would incorporate the second set of existing french doors and...then enlarged the deck and put the hot tub out there so that my bedroom french doors open directly onto the deck with the hot tub! Ahhhhhhhh. The relaxation seeps into my pores! "Dang!" "Awww hon!!" Blow out air from cheeks)...here it is again. One of those wham, out of the blue knife-like stabbing pains to the heart that accompanies the rapid-fire thought that flashed through my brain just now...."we coulda had some romantic times in this bedroom".
Okay Suz... Take a deep breath. Shake off the pain. Okay. Breathing normal again.
But...dang Mikey! No wonder that just happened. Think about it.... Girls gone. Hot Tub next to bedroom. Enclosed...and "almost" 100% private. (Sigh and corners of my lips turn down). Dang Mike. I look at the clock....two hours till your birthday starts. And I would've been able to make your birthday ....memorable. (corners of lips turn up) :). So...."you're missing out Mister!"
Okay, okay! Yes I know. It's true. You still win the better end of 'any' stick being on that side of heaven. Sigh. Dang! This side is hard.
You know what else I wonder Mike...do you "miss" us? I know you probably get to (at least sometimes maybe?) see what is up with us? But can you even miss us the same way we miss you when you KNOW the things you are now privy to about our lives and the how it all works together for good and His best for us and what lies ahead etcetera etcetera? Plus..there is that time difference variable too. Time is so distorted on earth. Yet in heaven... you not only recognize but actually experience that time is just a blink of an eye really...so you know that while you're away from us in YOUR side of heaven...does that make it easier for you to not miss us and be crying your eyes out over not having us? Because it says there are no tears in heaven.
But I can tell you this Mister Man...it is definitely not a blink on our side of heaven! We Miss....you. Beyond words. It's been almost 3 years Mikey. Sept 25. 10:22 pm. Ugh!!!!
I have to tell people who ask.... what did he die of? Cancer. It was four months from diagnosis to death. My gosh what happened in four short months. You so changed physically...yet your eyes...remained the exact same. <3 Your hair went, your color became so pale with the anemia, you lost so much weight along with your straight spine and all your muscle....but your eyes.... shone! Always! They shined with all of the YOU-ness that we loved. And I think that is why some of the photos where you look...so different and with the cancer so evident...still remain some of my fave photos. Because of your eyes. My absolute favorite are the ones at the ECU game.. only a couple weeks before you died but where you were so near death and we had to rush you to the ER right after. Gosh Michael....you really are so beyond words a truly wonderful man. Sniffles and tears start up.
You know Amie literally hates the month of September. I mean..honestly hates it! Dreads it really to the point that she feels quite stressed even in the weeks leading up to it.... because she is thinking about it. September...both your birthday and your death. Yep...it's a toughie.
Oh ...I know this is a tangent but ..I don't know how prayers from you work in a heavenly realm... but... ask Jesus to wrap up Amie super wonderfully right now with His love and grace! naturally I want the same for Katie too, of course, ...and Moi! Always! ) But.... have Him throw extra love over Amie.... and over Wes. Amie is dealing with both her dread of September AND....
Well, I know you know...and you've more than likely even been hanging with him for the past few weeks in heaven but....even so...I have to tell you that... Wes's Dad, Wayne....killed himself a few weeks ago. Knock him upside the head would you! (Not knock him out but you know..a good friendly but full of meaning slap to the side of his head...for me). Suicide?! Wayne...Suicide!?
Oh...knock him again hon...actually harder this time! I mean really!!!!
I am so glad Mr. Wayne is there, in heaven, with you. And I'm also happy you two knew each other before he, and you, died. But Mike! His suicide is utterly Tragic. He left no note. While knowing he truly loved the Lord and truly KNEW the Lord...is comforting. It still makes his choice to end his life (even though we blame the depression) difficult to believe, understand, and truly...simply killer hard for Amie and for Wes and his Mom. Even for me...it leaves a serious mark on my emotions! And I hurt to for our lovely young daughter who viewed him as the Dad she would be having and grandad of her someday kids. So I'm left with my mouth hanging open and a sense of shock. Blown away...and so so so saddened. And sorry. But Amie. My sweet Amie...has lost not just a friend and "second Dad-to-be"but all the pictures of what her life would look like down the road once she and Wes were married... are in complete disarray and torn. And Wes! Joanne! Miss Jane (Waynes Mom)......oh Mikey...so hard it is knowing the pain and loneliness they are about to experience after the shock wears off. I want them just to remain forever in shock and denial. Pain doesn't really penetrate....there...everything remains in the surreal state. It's the least painful place and the one with the shortest duration. (corners of mouth go way down..tears start up).
I'm glad that you didn't want to die, or try to die...at all. THANK YOU FOR THAT! You wanted so to fight...and to win. So slap Mr. Wayne up the side of the head for me...again. I know it won't knock sense into him or change anything. But still...it'll make me feel better to know that someone actually showed him that.... while being forgiven by God is awesome, undeserved, and beyond beautiful... that doesn't change the fact that choosing suicide has been the cause of the most searing, awful, raw, horrendous PAIN to all those he loved. It's different too for them to deal with what was still...despite the depression...ultimately a choice. Not a circumstance such as what happened to you. Although...the depression he suffered from makes him a victim too. It's all been so hard around here lately Mike. Oh yeah...and you Dad...had open heart surgery! 84 years young! And did great! So that got to be thrown into the suicide, wedding planning, Aunt dying (mine, not yours) and brother getting married couple of weeks that just passed. Cause did I tell you my life...is FUN? lol.
Well...it's getting closer to your birthday Mister! 58. What would I have done for your birthday...besides the hot tub. (laugh and smile starts again. Then...forehead creases). I regret so much hon. I wish we'd had better closure before you died. I wish I had bought you more expensive and thoughtful birthday and christmas and valentines day and dad's day gifts all those years. I wish I had cooked you more often the types of food YOU wanted. I wish I'd lit candles when we ate our meals. I wish I'd watched more of the TV shows you wanted to...instead of leaving you to watch them alone while I went to the "other" TV. I wish we hadn't argued so much over beer the last few years. Even more... I wish you had just remained a non-drinker. That would've solved quite a few of these regrets....because I wish your Dad hadn't been so eager to have you as his "drinking buddy" which only increased the beer mess. That chapter was just...really difficult and hard for me and the girls to navigate with you. Not a favorite for sure. But I regret handling it the way I sometimes did...maybe I could've handled it better or differently. And whats so ironic is that...now...since the girls are finally out of the house...it wouldn't even be that much of an issue...well, okay maybe a little issue... but not like it had been when the girls were still living with us. Yep. the timing sure was off on that one, huh hon.
But mostly Michael....I regret not using the small amount of time I had left with you better. I hated and regret so much that I had to keep working, keep taking reservations, keep nursing, keep mothering, keep bill-paying...keep handling...all while the most precious moments left of your life...went slipping through our fingers.
I know none of this is new news to you. I've bemoaned the lack of time together...quantity and quality....ever since you died. And I've beaten the fact that I was hurt that you insisted on "wasting" the precious moments I so wanted the girls and I to share with you...by insisting upon working 6 days a week...right up till the time you found out unexpectedly that ...you had only days left on this earth. (I do treasure that the night before that piece of news fell upon us though that you truly did make the decision to quit entirely and just...be with us. Really treasure that night so dearly. The morning after...when your gallbladder kicked in, essentially kicking the bucket of life out from under you,...that day not so much.
And I still cringe that even when I KNEW you had days left...I still wasn't able to stop life from crowding in upon my time with you. Interrupting it. Again and again. Never was a moment that last week when you weren't exhausted or in pain or surrounded by people to allow us to just be "us" one last time. I lost my "while" ...."my" "time" with you. And that remains the most mountainous of all the regrets. And the most painful one.
But...regrets are to be let go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto them. What we coulda, shoulda, woulda changed in retrospect are moot points.
What I can tell you Mike.... is that I'm doing better. It's taken 2 years, 11 months and 2 days but I am so much better than I was. The scabs are off. The rawness is gone. It's just scars and globs of hardened glue that now hold all these slivered pieces of my heart together. Actually...It's good as far as pain goes to have this type of heart. It hurts less. But..I wonder. I can picture my heart like a piece of dense, fibrous steak. I think God wants it back looking like a tender moist piece of filet mignon. So....I guess that is what will happen over the coming years....it will soften. The glue will absorb. The scars should lighten and even fade some. But...I don't know if the actual pump will ever pump again appropriately....with that much scarring. Sorry doll...I know. I'm getting too medical in my analogies aren't I. Well....for now, scarred and glued together as it may be, I am better. Painful realizations that you are not here...and how I miss you...still slosh in and out of my mind daily. But while it hurts.... it doesn't kill. So yay for me!!!!!
You won't mind me being honest with you Mikey that I actually think sometimes about meeting a man to spend the rest of my life with. One who'd be fun and funny and godly. Not perfect....that would be awful. But one who truly did love Jesus and who tried to do as Jesus would have him do....even if he failed. It would be like riding a bike...get back up and try again. Basically that describes you. And me. Except I fall off my bike waaaaay more often and get banged up a whole lot more :). And a masculine guy, strong...again...like you. Hrumpf. (I think that's a word to describe a disbelieving snort). Yep...that kind of guy is so out there just waiting for a 56 year old gal like me! Hrumpf (again! ). lol. Besides....honey how does one find both that and a man who shares a 1st century godliness desire while living in a 21st century world. Hrumpf x 10! Oh well. That can go on a back burner anyways cause I still need to get my walk with Jesus right.
What else is going on with me in the 2 years, 11 months you've been gone? Well....I do think about where I might want to retire...or at least...move to and live. You know how we talked about not staying in Savannah? But I'm just not sure where I want to go. Hmmmm.....ideas bounce around daily. Do I.... do a mission thing or lots of little mission things or a long-term mission thing? Should I move to ecuador or peru and become an expatriate? Or do I search out my "stars hollow" small town and buy a cute little house there so I can live out my days in sweet "everyone-knows-you-by-name"-ville? Then too...the girls are gonna get married...I hear grandkids are awesome. So should I plan to move closer to where I might have grandkids? Would that mean I stay in Savannah? Maybe so...but should I buy another home elsewhere to vacation and still keep this one? I just don't know. Right now I'm trying to sell the house next door....so that I could buy something else...or maybe rent something else since who knows whether I'll even make a profit what with capital gains and such!
But Mike...there are two things I want in my future. I would like to serve the Lord and be of help to people in a way so that my being left on this side of heaven actually makes a difference. A good difference ....in the life of other people. and is what He would be happy to see me do with the life He gave me. And I would like to have fun in my life again. Not just adventure and travel (though I love those things). But..actually experience "fun". Because I do not feel like my life is fun at all since you died. Even though I've gone here, there, and everywhere and done lots of what the world would consider "fun things". Maybe because the daily doses of laughter are gone without you.
I am seeking after joy and it's sister... contentment. Those I know I have with God. With Jesus. And it's a beautiful feeling to float in a quiet joy and contented state. I see why Paul loved it. And it can be in the midst of yuck that you can have that. I know this... because I lived in that state before...in my early 20's after I first gave my heart to Jesus. But...it's still a different emotion from "fun". It's quieter, smoother. Less of a spike. I'm not talking happiness...that's nice too but joy is better. Nope...I'm talking about the experience of "having fun in life". Maybe it's because the repairs and such have become such drudgery the past few months...and so intense. And I haven't done anything adventurous like white water rafting or even riding my bike much in months and stuff. So...maybe that is why. But Mike...it's hard to "want" to do those things single. So maybe that is the problem. I guess I have months ahead of me where I can really start to analyze what I have to do to put the "fun" quotient back into my life without a person in my life that shares the experiences with me...this latter thing of which is a variable essential to the fun equation I think. Hmmm. Did I lose you in my tangential thought processes just now? Okay...hope not. But I will move on :). God understood.
Lastly Mikey...Katie is getting married. Gosh...how I imagined what that would be like for us. It involved laying in bed and sharing with you all the ideas and plans and telling you what we bought or she bought and all that stuff. Even maybe arguing or at least mutually agreeing upon cost restrictions for this and for that part.
Oh dang! Again...just typing this out brings on the knifelike stabs to my heart. Owww! Gosh but I hate these! Breathe deep. Okay..brush them off. Moving on. Take another deep breath Suzie...and continue.
So...
Katie wants to walk herself down the aisle. Which is okay with me. But a bit painful to watch will it be. But then, it would be painful if she had someone else walk her down too. And I don't want to walk her down nor does she want me to do so. It's a rock and a hard place really. My dad had been gone for 8 years when I married you so it was hard but not terrible to have my brother walk me down. But Mikey...it's not even 3 years yet and she has to decide this. And it's not just the walking her down the aisle...it's the whole shibang that comes with weddings. The father daughter dance, the toast. It will all will be hard Mike. For all of us but...that day especially...on Katie.
It's so weird...the parallels in what they're going through and what I went through at their ages. You never even got to meet my Dad. :(. He would've love d you and...oh... Hey...say Hi and hug him now for me! I'm sure you've had some fun and eye-opening talks in the past 3 years alone :). And it's the same thought that Katie shares about Jeff. And again..you would've loved him. He reminds me of you in some ways. And you two would've been great together...he fishes, he camps, he loves sports, he talks football, he drinks beer (but not excessively). You would've meshed well. And he meshes great with Wes too! Even though Wes's interests aren't really those so much....again...just like YOU. You would've meshed great with both guys our girls have their hearts tied to....and Amie is beyond thankful that you truly knew Wesley. That means a lot to her. And to him too. But our Katie will be very happy. Downside to all the wedding and engagement hoopla is the move to....Michigan...ugh! Hoping it wears on them quickly and they decide to more back to the warmth of non-Michigan soon. We'll see. Life is never what you plan half the time so who knows. I never thought I'd be living in Georgia!
Well...that's probably enough for now. Happy Birthday in heaven Mister Man. I love you dearly. I will work tomorrow and miss out on most of this hurricane busily passing us by (other than to run through it from the parking lot to the hospital tomorrow). I'm figuring that working will keep me occupied and help me get through the day. Was it only last year...I was in an Orlando hospital getting Amie discharged from her 5 day stay with pneumonia on your birthday? Birthday escapism trips became so common after you went to heaven...I know I spent mine in Jamaica with Katie last year. But this year...the girls are healthy so no hospitals...and one will be married...so no Jamaica. Hmmmm. Amie? I wonder what she might be up for come November? But for you day, I shall bury my head in work at the hospital. Amie will be busy performing in her show at Dollywood. And Katie is on a plane for a visit to Jeff and his family in...yep...Michigan tomorrow!
So we've planned out our busyness...deliberately.
But....it won't matter. Each of us will be thinking of you.... today. Yep...the clock right now says it's midnight as I type. Finally... NOW it IS your birthday Mister Man. Catch this kiss! So here's our gifts to you...(the air kiss was a perk :)...
Katie will be remembering you as clouds and the heavens go by her window. Amie will stop and cherish a memory backstage between shows at Dollywood and all night afterwards. And I have written what is a massively long sorta (?) love letter to you. And...I'm going to go to sleep now. But! When I wake up and I look at the calendar on my wall next to the bed, I will see the date that has always been and will always be...irregardless of heaven or earth...your birthday. I will remember so much of you. And will try not to have my heart fall back into pieces.
Which means really that there's nothing new with tomorrow...not really.
My Michael. I love you to the moon and back a gazillion, trillion times Mr. Man.
With All My Love, Weasel
But Mike, what are you...age-wise I mean...really...now? I mean...in heaven? Hmmm. I wonder.
I bet that you look like you did when I met you. What a hunky and young guy you were. Still "not my type" or at least that is what I thought when I met you. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on you...shy and obviously uncomfortable...the friend of Joey. I immediately just wanted to put you at ease. Didn't realize I was meeting my best friend. We had so MUCH fun those first years I knew you...even before the romance happened. But then...a few years go by and it was amazing..how much you grew on my heart! Such a mans' man too. Without "trying to be". None of that machoistic garbage. You just were... such a man. Loved that. Well...also you know how I also loved your muscles! I mean gosh Mike! So dang strong you were. They still give me goosebumps just thinking about those biceps. Such strength and sweetness all in one shy and manly package. Crazy to realize......You weren't at all who I thought I was looking for. Just everything I needed....and was so lucky, so super very very lucky...to get!
I miss you. Especially the laughing. Gosh Mike...you always made me laugh. So MUCH fun did we have just in sparring and teasing each other. I doubt we went an entire day where we didn't make each other smile or laugh at least once. None of that slapstick, buffoon stuff...nope...and dry but not too dry either. You were king of the absolutely perfectly timed and worded...zinger observation that would leave me in stitches. Even though I sometimes provided the fodder for them. And why not? Because even if the zinger is aimed at me...one should appreciate the aptness and zinger-worthiness...of a truly perfect zinger! :). Such fun!
But...Mike...just so you realize...I'm not in major doldrums. I do laugh... without you. I can even guffaw. But the humor isn't the same "type" and there's not a shared-ness about it.
Hey...did you know (cause I don't know exactly what you do/don't know of life on this side moment by moment) but...I met 2 guys who were also wondering if there was another person they could be romantic-ish with... in this life. But, while both were nice...neither seemed to possess a great sense of humor. Though..I only met each once. Still...you'd think I'd have noted it don't you? If it was there? So...while very nice...no chemistry. Sad. So neither seem to be worth my while really. And my while is precious. I value my while very much since you've been gone. I realize how quickly time can pass and also... end. And that my while/time can be oh so very easily wasted. Yep. Waiting in lines, doing the silly little daily tasks and cleanings that need done but in the grand scheme of thing...such precious moments...totally wasted.
Moments far better spent in relationship. With people. Doing things for people. Because that's what matters. The relationship moments. I know that. Though, I have to admit, that my time alone as I am right now, curled up with Giz next to me while I type this letter to you....are very enjoyed and precious moments too. But I'm spending them, in a sense, with you...and with God..and Giz. So still in relationship. Plus....this is the best time...because rain is pouring down outside!
Hmmm. So...where am I now in my walk with our God. You're doing your walk the best! The walk we all long for is yours right now. But for me... I live my days usually in a relatively serene manner I guess. I'm not unhappy so it must be a form of peace. And...when life gets is rocky and stress spews out due to repairs or Mom-hood stuff or money stuff etc......Jesus will douse me with His grace and strength. So I get hosed down with that periodically as I trudge through my days without you.
I'm just glad that the huge gulf that had opened up between me and God during the months and even years that followed your memorial service as the initial shock and denial finally wore itself off....is so much narrower! Not gone. But neither as deep nor as wide as it used to be. It is bizarre though in that the edges separating the gulf undulate some...so that there's times when I feel I could jump the gap easily....and be in His lap...and other times when it seems like a carnival ride that just swerved me to the left or the right and the gap yawned wide again....only to have it spin me back the other direction and wallah...it's back to being a tiny rift and not a huge canyon. The one thing that remains huge for me is my desire to draw nearer to Him and re-establish the closeness we'd had before.....you got sick. Actually surpassing my before-you-died-closeness with God remains my goal. I shall continue to chase my God down....because it's the only thing every person should be doing. If these chases are repetitive in life...like a relay race full of heats and semi-finals and finals...(which is what it feels like to me)...then I want to be in the group of "firsts" to reach the goal (sitting in God's lap) every heat, every semifinal run, to the very last one! I don't ever want to be in the "lasts" group. (Hahah....I know you'll easily figure out what bible verse I'm referencing with that...or will you ? :)
It's still raining outside with occasional bursts of lightening. I'm propped up with pillows in my "new" bed that I got after you died (gosh...you would've liked it. It's a tempurpedic). You would like this room too. So strange is it to live in the house we restored over a decade ago...yet now reside in a part "we" were often inside of, but that wasn't "our" home. And now is. And...I've changed it up a good bit too so it feels like a part of our home we were never in before and yet still were. Sigh...only you and the girls and grandma and grandpa will understand how that all fits together and makes sense.
But...here I am in my "new" home and my "newly-created" bedroom (I turned the one bedroom duplex downstairs from us into a two bedroom duplex) typing away and have only to look up to find your framed face. Your face is ...well...in several places in this room! All staring back with those eyes of yours that are so darn kind! Eyes are the windows to the soul...and your eyes are so kind Mikey. So very kind.
Whoa...some serious lightening there! Hurricane Hermine is getting stronger outside. I do love storms! Anyways, I digress.
Back to my room ...which would've been ours. I used lots of light and friendly colors when I decorated it. It's a happy room. I was quite deliberate in making it that way too. It's my escape place. So while the rest of the house has an ambience and decor that says... "well, hello.....Yes this IS a lovely and quite beautiful "historic" home, don't you agree?"
My bedroom doesn't say anything by "hi!". It is simply bright and friendly. Not modern. Not historic. Just...cheerful. And here's the best part Mike.....when I designed the construction of the second bedroom...eg: mine...I designed it it so that it would incorporate the second set of existing french doors and...then enlarged the deck and put the hot tub out there so that my bedroom french doors open directly onto the deck with the hot tub! Ahhhhhhhh. The relaxation seeps into my pores! "Dang!" "Awww hon!!" Blow out air from cheeks)...here it is again. One of those wham, out of the blue knife-like stabbing pains to the heart that accompanies the rapid-fire thought that flashed through my brain just now...."we coulda had some romantic times in this bedroom".
Okay Suz... Take a deep breath. Shake off the pain. Okay. Breathing normal again.
But...dang Mikey! No wonder that just happened. Think about it.... Girls gone. Hot Tub next to bedroom. Enclosed...and "almost" 100% private. (Sigh and corners of my lips turn down). Dang Mike. I look at the clock....two hours till your birthday starts. And I would've been able to make your birthday ....memorable. (corners of lips turn up) :). So...."you're missing out Mister!"
Okay, okay! Yes I know. It's true. You still win the better end of 'any' stick being on that side of heaven. Sigh. Dang! This side is hard.
You know what else I wonder Mike...do you "miss" us? I know you probably get to (at least sometimes maybe?) see what is up with us? But can you even miss us the same way we miss you when you KNOW the things you are now privy to about our lives and the how it all works together for good and His best for us and what lies ahead etcetera etcetera? Plus..there is that time difference variable too. Time is so distorted on earth. Yet in heaven... you not only recognize but actually experience that time is just a blink of an eye really...so you know that while you're away from us in YOUR side of heaven...does that make it easier for you to not miss us and be crying your eyes out over not having us? Because it says there are no tears in heaven.
But I can tell you this Mister Man...it is definitely not a blink on our side of heaven! We Miss....you. Beyond words. It's been almost 3 years Mikey. Sept 25. 10:22 pm. Ugh!!!!
I have to tell people who ask.... what did he die of? Cancer. It was four months from diagnosis to death. My gosh what happened in four short months. You so changed physically...yet your eyes...remained the exact same. <3 Your hair went, your color became so pale with the anemia, you lost so much weight along with your straight spine and all your muscle....but your eyes.... shone! Always! They shined with all of the YOU-ness that we loved. And I think that is why some of the photos where you look...so different and with the cancer so evident...still remain some of my fave photos. Because of your eyes. My absolute favorite are the ones at the ECU game.. only a couple weeks before you died but where you were so near death and we had to rush you to the ER right after. Gosh Michael....you really are so beyond words a truly wonderful man. Sniffles and tears start up.
You know Amie literally hates the month of September. I mean..honestly hates it! Dreads it really to the point that she feels quite stressed even in the weeks leading up to it.... because she is thinking about it. September...both your birthday and your death. Yep...it's a toughie.
Oh ...I know this is a tangent but ..I don't know how prayers from you work in a heavenly realm... but... ask Jesus to wrap up Amie super wonderfully right now with His love and grace! naturally I want the same for Katie too, of course, ...and Moi! Always! ) But.... have Him throw extra love over Amie.... and over Wes. Amie is dealing with both her dread of September AND....
Well, I know you know...and you've more than likely even been hanging with him for the past few weeks in heaven but....even so...I have to tell you that... Wes's Dad, Wayne....killed himself a few weeks ago. Knock him upside the head would you! (Not knock him out but you know..a good friendly but full of meaning slap to the side of his head...for me). Suicide?! Wayne...Suicide!?
Oh...knock him again hon...actually harder this time! I mean really!!!!
I am so glad Mr. Wayne is there, in heaven, with you. And I'm also happy you two knew each other before he, and you, died. But Mike! His suicide is utterly Tragic. He left no note. While knowing he truly loved the Lord and truly KNEW the Lord...is comforting. It still makes his choice to end his life (even though we blame the depression) difficult to believe, understand, and truly...simply killer hard for Amie and for Wes and his Mom. Even for me...it leaves a serious mark on my emotions! And I hurt to for our lovely young daughter who viewed him as the Dad she would be having and grandad of her someday kids. So I'm left with my mouth hanging open and a sense of shock. Blown away...and so so so saddened. And sorry. But Amie. My sweet Amie...has lost not just a friend and "second Dad-to-be"but all the pictures of what her life would look like down the road once she and Wes were married... are in complete disarray and torn. And Wes! Joanne! Miss Jane (Waynes Mom)......oh Mikey...so hard it is knowing the pain and loneliness they are about to experience after the shock wears off. I want them just to remain forever in shock and denial. Pain doesn't really penetrate....there...everything remains in the surreal state. It's the least painful place and the one with the shortest duration. (corners of mouth go way down..tears start up).
I'm glad that you didn't want to die, or try to die...at all. THANK YOU FOR THAT! You wanted so to fight...and to win. So slap Mr. Wayne up the side of the head for me...again. I know it won't knock sense into him or change anything. But still...it'll make me feel better to know that someone actually showed him that.... while being forgiven by God is awesome, undeserved, and beyond beautiful... that doesn't change the fact that choosing suicide has been the cause of the most searing, awful, raw, horrendous PAIN to all those he loved. It's different too for them to deal with what was still...despite the depression...ultimately a choice. Not a circumstance such as what happened to you. Although...the depression he suffered from makes him a victim too. It's all been so hard around here lately Mike. Oh yeah...and you Dad...had open heart surgery! 84 years young! And did great! So that got to be thrown into the suicide, wedding planning, Aunt dying (mine, not yours) and brother getting married couple of weeks that just passed. Cause did I tell you my life...is FUN? lol.
Well...it's getting closer to your birthday Mister! 58. What would I have done for your birthday...besides the hot tub. (laugh and smile starts again. Then...forehead creases). I regret so much hon. I wish we'd had better closure before you died. I wish I had bought you more expensive and thoughtful birthday and christmas and valentines day and dad's day gifts all those years. I wish I had cooked you more often the types of food YOU wanted. I wish I'd lit candles when we ate our meals. I wish I'd watched more of the TV shows you wanted to...instead of leaving you to watch them alone while I went to the "other" TV. I wish we hadn't argued so much over beer the last few years. Even more... I wish you had just remained a non-drinker. That would've solved quite a few of these regrets....because I wish your Dad hadn't been so eager to have you as his "drinking buddy" which only increased the beer mess. That chapter was just...really difficult and hard for me and the girls to navigate with you. Not a favorite for sure. But I regret handling it the way I sometimes did...maybe I could've handled it better or differently. And whats so ironic is that...now...since the girls are finally out of the house...it wouldn't even be that much of an issue...well, okay maybe a little issue... but not like it had been when the girls were still living with us. Yep. the timing sure was off on that one, huh hon.
But mostly Michael....I regret not using the small amount of time I had left with you better. I hated and regret so much that I had to keep working, keep taking reservations, keep nursing, keep mothering, keep bill-paying...keep handling...all while the most precious moments left of your life...went slipping through our fingers.
I know none of this is new news to you. I've bemoaned the lack of time together...quantity and quality....ever since you died. And I've beaten the fact that I was hurt that you insisted on "wasting" the precious moments I so wanted the girls and I to share with you...by insisting upon working 6 days a week...right up till the time you found out unexpectedly that ...you had only days left on this earth. (I do treasure that the night before that piece of news fell upon us though that you truly did make the decision to quit entirely and just...be with us. Really treasure that night so dearly. The morning after...when your gallbladder kicked in, essentially kicking the bucket of life out from under you,...that day not so much.
And I still cringe that even when I KNEW you had days left...I still wasn't able to stop life from crowding in upon my time with you. Interrupting it. Again and again. Never was a moment that last week when you weren't exhausted or in pain or surrounded by people to allow us to just be "us" one last time. I lost my "while" ...."my" "time" with you. And that remains the most mountainous of all the regrets. And the most painful one.
But...regrets are to be let go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto them. What we coulda, shoulda, woulda changed in retrospect are moot points.
What I can tell you Mike.... is that I'm doing better. It's taken 2 years, 11 months and 2 days but I am so much better than I was. The scabs are off. The rawness is gone. It's just scars and globs of hardened glue that now hold all these slivered pieces of my heart together. Actually...It's good as far as pain goes to have this type of heart. It hurts less. But..I wonder. I can picture my heart like a piece of dense, fibrous steak. I think God wants it back looking like a tender moist piece of filet mignon. So....I guess that is what will happen over the coming years....it will soften. The glue will absorb. The scars should lighten and even fade some. But...I don't know if the actual pump will ever pump again appropriately....with that much scarring. Sorry doll...I know. I'm getting too medical in my analogies aren't I. Well....for now, scarred and glued together as it may be, I am better. Painful realizations that you are not here...and how I miss you...still slosh in and out of my mind daily. But while it hurts.... it doesn't kill. So yay for me!!!!!
You won't mind me being honest with you Mikey that I actually think sometimes about meeting a man to spend the rest of my life with. One who'd be fun and funny and godly. Not perfect....that would be awful. But one who truly did love Jesus and who tried to do as Jesus would have him do....even if he failed. It would be like riding a bike...get back up and try again. Basically that describes you. And me. Except I fall off my bike waaaaay more often and get banged up a whole lot more :). And a masculine guy, strong...again...like you. Hrumpf. (I think that's a word to describe a disbelieving snort). Yep...that kind of guy is so out there just waiting for a 56 year old gal like me! Hrumpf (again! ). lol. Besides....honey how does one find both that and a man who shares a 1st century godliness desire while living in a 21st century world. Hrumpf x 10! Oh well. That can go on a back burner anyways cause I still need to get my walk with Jesus right.
What else is going on with me in the 2 years, 11 months you've been gone? Well....I do think about where I might want to retire...or at least...move to and live. You know how we talked about not staying in Savannah? But I'm just not sure where I want to go. Hmmmm.....ideas bounce around daily. Do I.... do a mission thing or lots of little mission things or a long-term mission thing? Should I move to ecuador or peru and become an expatriate? Or do I search out my "stars hollow" small town and buy a cute little house there so I can live out my days in sweet "everyone-knows-you-by-name"-ville? Then too...the girls are gonna get married...I hear grandkids are awesome. So should I plan to move closer to where I might have grandkids? Would that mean I stay in Savannah? Maybe so...but should I buy another home elsewhere to vacation and still keep this one? I just don't know. Right now I'm trying to sell the house next door....so that I could buy something else...or maybe rent something else since who knows whether I'll even make a profit what with capital gains and such!
But Mike...there are two things I want in my future. I would like to serve the Lord and be of help to people in a way so that my being left on this side of heaven actually makes a difference. A good difference ....in the life of other people. and is what He would be happy to see me do with the life He gave me. And I would like to have fun in my life again. Not just adventure and travel (though I love those things). But..actually experience "fun". Because I do not feel like my life is fun at all since you died. Even though I've gone here, there, and everywhere and done lots of what the world would consider "fun things". Maybe because the daily doses of laughter are gone without you.
I am seeking after joy and it's sister... contentment. Those I know I have with God. With Jesus. And it's a beautiful feeling to float in a quiet joy and contented state. I see why Paul loved it. And it can be in the midst of yuck that you can have that. I know this... because I lived in that state before...in my early 20's after I first gave my heart to Jesus. But...it's still a different emotion from "fun". It's quieter, smoother. Less of a spike. I'm not talking happiness...that's nice too but joy is better. Nope...I'm talking about the experience of "having fun in life". Maybe it's because the repairs and such have become such drudgery the past few months...and so intense. And I haven't done anything adventurous like white water rafting or even riding my bike much in months and stuff. So...maybe that is why. But Mike...it's hard to "want" to do those things single. So maybe that is the problem. I guess I have months ahead of me where I can really start to analyze what I have to do to put the "fun" quotient back into my life without a person in my life that shares the experiences with me...this latter thing of which is a variable essential to the fun equation I think. Hmmm. Did I lose you in my tangential thought processes just now? Okay...hope not. But I will move on :). God understood.
Lastly Mikey...Katie is getting married. Gosh...how I imagined what that would be like for us. It involved laying in bed and sharing with you all the ideas and plans and telling you what we bought or she bought and all that stuff. Even maybe arguing or at least mutually agreeing upon cost restrictions for this and for that part.
Oh dang! Again...just typing this out brings on the knifelike stabs to my heart. Owww! Gosh but I hate these! Breathe deep. Okay..brush them off. Moving on. Take another deep breath Suzie...and continue.
So...
Katie wants to walk herself down the aisle. Which is okay with me. But a bit painful to watch will it be. But then, it would be painful if she had someone else walk her down too. And I don't want to walk her down nor does she want me to do so. It's a rock and a hard place really. My dad had been gone for 8 years when I married you so it was hard but not terrible to have my brother walk me down. But Mikey...it's not even 3 years yet and she has to decide this. And it's not just the walking her down the aisle...it's the whole shibang that comes with weddings. The father daughter dance, the toast. It will all will be hard Mike. For all of us but...that day especially...on Katie.
It's so weird...the parallels in what they're going through and what I went through at their ages. You never even got to meet my Dad. :(. He would've love d you and...oh... Hey...say Hi and hug him now for me! I'm sure you've had some fun and eye-opening talks in the past 3 years alone :). And it's the same thought that Katie shares about Jeff. And again..you would've loved him. He reminds me of you in some ways. And you two would've been great together...he fishes, he camps, he loves sports, he talks football, he drinks beer (but not excessively). You would've meshed well. And he meshes great with Wes too! Even though Wes's interests aren't really those so much....again...just like YOU. You would've meshed great with both guys our girls have their hearts tied to....and Amie is beyond thankful that you truly knew Wesley. That means a lot to her. And to him too. But our Katie will be very happy. Downside to all the wedding and engagement hoopla is the move to....Michigan...ugh! Hoping it wears on them quickly and they decide to more back to the warmth of non-Michigan soon. We'll see. Life is never what you plan half the time so who knows. I never thought I'd be living in Georgia!
Well...that's probably enough for now. Happy Birthday in heaven Mister Man. I love you dearly. I will work tomorrow and miss out on most of this hurricane busily passing us by (other than to run through it from the parking lot to the hospital tomorrow). I'm figuring that working will keep me occupied and help me get through the day. Was it only last year...I was in an Orlando hospital getting Amie discharged from her 5 day stay with pneumonia on your birthday? Birthday escapism trips became so common after you went to heaven...I know I spent mine in Jamaica with Katie last year. But this year...the girls are healthy so no hospitals...and one will be married...so no Jamaica. Hmmmm. Amie? I wonder what she might be up for come November? But for you day, I shall bury my head in work at the hospital. Amie will be busy performing in her show at Dollywood. And Katie is on a plane for a visit to Jeff and his family in...yep...Michigan tomorrow!
So we've planned out our busyness...deliberately.
But....it won't matter. Each of us will be thinking of you.... today. Yep...the clock right now says it's midnight as I type. Finally... NOW it IS your birthday Mister Man. Catch this kiss! So here's our gifts to you...(the air kiss was a perk :)...
Katie will be remembering you as clouds and the heavens go by her window. Amie will stop and cherish a memory backstage between shows at Dollywood and all night afterwards. And I have written what is a massively long sorta (?) love letter to you. And...I'm going to go to sleep now. But! When I wake up and I look at the calendar on my wall next to the bed, I will see the date that has always been and will always be...irregardless of heaven or earth...your birthday. I will remember so much of you. And will try not to have my heart fall back into pieces.
Which means really that there's nothing new with tomorrow...not really.
My Michael. I love you to the moon and back a gazillion, trillion times Mr. Man.
With All My Love, Weasel
Friday, July 29, 2016
2 faithful friends now trashed...
I'm a very loyal person. And not into a lot of bling. Which is helpful as bling can be quite costly. Also, I've never really understood the gratification and passion some women have when it comes to shopping for clothes. Trying on again and again...hmmm. Not really a fun day to me. More of a chore that must be done. Though I admit that I get a big kick and smile out of it when I got "exactly what I wanted" at a "tremendous savings". But that doesn't happen often enough to lure me into the malls and boutiques to try on clothes too often in my life. I go when I "need to go" to find something for a wedding or a cruise and such. And putting on different jewelry every day...ugh. I wear what I like and it usually just stays on. So...simple and easy. I want to just get dressed quickly. Spending more than a few minutes to get ready for anything in life is really not me.
So...not a serious groupie when it comes to clothes and bling shopping. You'd think Mike would've been ecstatic but....I trade boutiques and clothes shops for yard sales and "other types" of retail therapy. Which is quite enjoyable.... to my hubby's chagrin over the years.
Ahhh the joys of "other types" of retail therapy! Massages, Travel, and, of course, ....my feet! I don't want a closet full of shoes. Too many choices just give me a headache. Nope...I want the superbly comfortable shoe. Which are costly and hard to find believe it or not.
I don't require too much to be happy but comfy shoes and a comfy mattress are my essentials.
No motels ever! I am a 3 star minimum, 3.5 - 4 star preferred -hotel-girl.
But....throw in some savvy and you can book such easily enough without denting your pocketbook very badly. And even with the shoes...get me a few pairs and I'm good to go...for literally YEARS!
Mike was understanding. It makes sense really. You're either on your feet or in bed during the 24 hours in a day. And I think all the years of nursing killed my feet. Add in a 2 year bout with plantar fasciitis and the wisdom known as middle age...dawns.
So I'm loyal. And I am quite faithful to what I like whether its my flavor of ice cream or my bling...or my shoe.
Which means you can now understand the gasp that escaped from me yesterday, along with a long and drawn out "Noooooooo!", when I slid my foot into my most beloved and worn-almost-every-day-for-the-past-two-years pair of ecco sandals only to hear a snap as the cord broke.
Years of being in rain, puddles, sun, sand, mud, dirt and, of course, shops finally killed one of my most faithful and truly loved by me-friends! It's poor mate, like the wives of pharaohs of yesteryear, had to be buried right along with it. (Glad that tradition ended with the pyramids). But it remains the fate of shoes...despite one being in perfectly, healthy condition, if one breaks...the mate shares the fate.
I did love that pair of sandals though. I traipsed in them all over Europe and the United States. Like a tree...it has a lot of stories it could tell if it could...actually tell anything! :)
But, while I again emphasize the intense degree of attachment that I had to this particular pair of shoes....it is not tragic. As I threw them into the trashcan, I also eyed my laptop. Within a couple hours I had gone I online scouring echo's websites until I found exactly the same size, color and brand of sandal.
A mere $107.00 is a small price to pay for a faithful friend that goes with one every step of the way in this life. And it's not like I drop dollars all the time buying bling.
Sooooo worth it.
And I reflected on my shoes and on my friends this morning. My friends who are truest and with whom I'm my most relaxed and real self.... really do fit "like an old shoe", come in "all sizes", and traipse through a lot of my life making the road that much easier. ;).
So...not a serious groupie when it comes to clothes and bling shopping. You'd think Mike would've been ecstatic but....I trade boutiques and clothes shops for yard sales and "other types" of retail therapy. Which is quite enjoyable.... to my hubby's chagrin over the years.
Ahhh the joys of "other types" of retail therapy! Massages, Travel, and, of course, ....my feet! I don't want a closet full of shoes. Too many choices just give me a headache. Nope...I want the superbly comfortable shoe. Which are costly and hard to find believe it or not.
I don't require too much to be happy but comfy shoes and a comfy mattress are my essentials.
No motels ever! I am a 3 star minimum, 3.5 - 4 star preferred -hotel-girl.
But....throw in some savvy and you can book such easily enough without denting your pocketbook very badly. And even with the shoes...get me a few pairs and I'm good to go...for literally YEARS!
Mike was understanding. It makes sense really. You're either on your feet or in bed during the 24 hours in a day. And I think all the years of nursing killed my feet. Add in a 2 year bout with plantar fasciitis and the wisdom known as middle age...dawns.
So I'm loyal. And I am quite faithful to what I like whether its my flavor of ice cream or my bling...or my shoe.
Which means you can now understand the gasp that escaped from me yesterday, along with a long and drawn out "Noooooooo!", when I slid my foot into my most beloved and worn-almost-every-day-for-the-past-two-years pair of ecco sandals only to hear a snap as the cord broke.
Years of being in rain, puddles, sun, sand, mud, dirt and, of course, shops finally killed one of my most faithful and truly loved by me-friends! It's poor mate, like the wives of pharaohs of yesteryear, had to be buried right along with it. (Glad that tradition ended with the pyramids). But it remains the fate of shoes...despite one being in perfectly, healthy condition, if one breaks...the mate shares the fate.
I did love that pair of sandals though. I traipsed in them all over Europe and the United States. Like a tree...it has a lot of stories it could tell if it could...actually tell anything! :)
But, while I again emphasize the intense degree of attachment that I had to this particular pair of shoes....it is not tragic. As I threw them into the trashcan, I also eyed my laptop. Within a couple hours I had gone I online scouring echo's websites until I found exactly the same size, color and brand of sandal.
A mere $107.00 is a small price to pay for a faithful friend that goes with one every step of the way in this life. And it's not like I drop dollars all the time buying bling.
Sooooo worth it.
And I reflected on my shoes and on my friends this morning. My friends who are truest and with whom I'm my most relaxed and real self.... really do fit "like an old shoe", come in "all sizes", and traipse through a lot of my life making the road that much easier. ;).
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
loneliness trumps this particular day....
Loneliness is definitely becoming my bedfellow more than it has in the past 2 1/2 years since Mike died. You know it's sad really. Initially...since both the girls graduated from College the May following his death..which was only 8 months later...I knew that I would be entering the "empty nest" stage of life.
And I knew it would be awful without having Mike there with me. We had such plans. It wasn't going to be a time of sadness at all. It was going to be a time of freedom and rediscovering our joy in the company of each other.
I told him for so many years...since for so many many years my life was wrapped up quite fully with the girls...that "his time was coming". And I believed it too. I just needed him to let me have "this time" with them because I knew it would be fleeting. All too soon they'd be moved out and gone.
Maybe part of the focus and fervor I had about having "only these few years left with the girls" came from myself moving clear across the country after I married Mike. When I did that...I hardly got to see my family again really. I didn't think the cost of airplane tickets and such would turn out to be as prohibitive as it became in reality back when I was starry eyed and fairly ignorant of the cost that would be borne in raising a family. And the work commitments and pull of other commitments as well all combined to make my trips out to California to see my family few and far between. Of course phone calls became a bridge. And I did get out...but ofttimes more than not...just me. Not all four. Cost... you know.
So I just really wanted to treasure up the years I had with the girls before they began "their lives" apart from me and Mike. And I knew the time Mike and I would "then" have would be so much fun! I imagined him finally getting the harley of his dreams and hopping on the back of it (I even told him to get a high back so that I wouldn't go flying off into the road :) and we'd go to this festival or that one. Fish. Talk. Mike and I talked well together...so much fun were our conversations. Lighthearted teasing was our mainstay. And...when the raising of my daughters or another emotional turmoil with work or whatever would be bothering me....he was my bud. My guy. The one I could go to and confide in and cry to and he'd always be there... on my side and just...there. For me.
After Mike died... Katie got her post college job and moved to Tennessee. And the emptying began. Amie didn't move permanently though...anywhere. She kept moving "temporarily" to other states. First to Florida with her Disney internships. Then to her theater job in Kentucky. Now in Pigeon Forge at Dollywood.
The sadly ironic thing in all this ... as I sit hear with tears slipping down my cheeks because being all by myself in a home without Mike or the girls...is terribly sad really...is that, I actually thought sometimes I'd like to find out what being "finally" by myself without either of the girls living at home anymore...would be like! Cause I'm an idiot. Or at least I recognize now my idiocy.
I kinda wanted to just "get on with it". Figure it out. Find out how it really would be. And now...I have. And it's pretty awful really. Not fun. Very sad. Lonely.
I only left Tennessee and both the girls earlier today after a weekend of laughter and hugs and a thorough interrogation to find out "how did he pop the question?" Katie is engaged! So happy. My heart has been rift with rivers of happy and sadness all weekend long. Because that remains the position of my heart ever since Mike died when it comes to the girls.....is that teeter-totter of happy mixed with sad emotions. The bitter with the sweet. Simply because it's the not being able to share the happy (with Mike) that immediately intersperses into the happy....the rivers of sad. But...at least I am no longer drowning in sad. It's just rivulets that run through the images and scenes of my life...like rain rivulets on the car window. I'm so happy that she found the man God designed for her. And Amie and I had such fun pulling every single part of the proposal out of Katie and Jeff...as well as touring wedding boutiques and laughingly having her try on a veil and such. A weekend with memories and laughter I will treasure. But then...to come home and not have Mike to tell about it, or to share it with... (blow air out. stop typing. sigh again..resume typing).
I just finished 2 pints of ice cream. Now I don't want to eat ice cream again ever. I think I just made myself sick with it. And I am watching the Colin Firth "Pride and Prejudice" DVD on my TV. Not my best idea.
I need to do something. I'm not sure what though. It's not like I haven't been crazy busy doing tons of things since April this year. And here it is only July. I moved downstairs to the first floor duplex apartment, carpeted the second floor duplex, sold and moved all the furnishings between that duplex and the Cottage, had construction to create a second bedroom in the first floor duplex I moved into, enlarged and had built an enclave for the hot tub which I moved from one property to this one, repaired outlets, air conditioners, floors, fountains, phone lines, cable lines, toilets, washing machines, dryers...repairs and more repairs. I painted decks, walls, ceilings, exteriors, interiors...ugh...SO MUCH PAINTING! Plus I advertised and obtained two new tenants for two properties, am STILL trying to get a tenant for a third, placed another property for sale with a listing agent, fired said agent, took it off the market and now switching to another realtor and preparing to relist it, continued to run the other property as a short term vacation rental with the constant cleaning, spritzing, re-cleaning, re-spritzing. Sigh. I applied for and changed over to another boss/job at the hospital to get more ICU/CCU time in (only to find I haven't had anytime to spare to work more than the few part time hours I'm required to give to them) and even applied to some travel nurse agencies (yep, considering doing that again)...etcetera. I really am exhausted in many ways and have been sooooo busy that even though I have had lonely periods...they've been squeezed in. They didn't seem to streeeeettttttccccchhhhh out. They took place in between Amie being here and gone again and here again. Its not been like this....like what it is now.
Now... the empty nesting has actually happened. And because all the above chaotic-ness of the past several months is now done...I'm noticing that it arrived. For real. For painfully sadly real.
My friends are great. But....they have husbands. Some still have kids at home. No other by-themselves-widows to call on for coffee. And I really miss romance. I'd have a friend. But no romance. No heart song. Mike was my best friend and my romance. Not just one but both. And romance doesn't always mean physical...it was the "being loved". The physical was great too. But "being loved" and knowing you are....by a man who is your best friend and intimate....it is gone. And it is a tremendous thing to lose. And to know...it's gone. What I miss is not replaceable by a fellow widow or even beloved friends or daughters.
I wonder about how others have done it....this loneliness and being alone. Before, when I was single and in my 20's....I lived alone. And wondered at times if I would "ever meet" Mr. Right and not be alone. But...when you are young and in your 20's wondering if you will meet the guy you'll marry....you hope you will. You dream you will. It's different being 56 and figuring that you aren't gonna meet another Mr. Right. All the single men my age are just plain old....I mean OLD! It's weird cause Mike and I were the same age so our wrinkles were being developed at the same time. Which means....I never really looked at Mike as old. Old and wrinkled guys...not attractive. Neither I'm sure is old and wrinkling moi. But hey.....I didnt expect to have to be attractive. I expected to be enjoyed and beloved by my husband like a well worn and beloved tee shirt. Wrinkles and all...wouldn't matter.
I look at my sis and other women who've been alone for years...but it's been because of divorce. And I know there may be men out there who are single and they're either never married...which makes you immediately shy away or ....divorced. Which also makes me just sadly shake my head and realize...that aint gonna fly either. Because it isn't anything like widowness.....and christian-wise....not even a pool to dip a toe into for me. So...
I shall be alone. And it sucks.
And it's sad.
I run to Jesus all the time. I'm glad He's there to run to...but it often feels very empty. Which means....I must not have my relationship with Him down the way it should be. So...that is where I will focus my energy. Getting it back into a state where the joy is in THAT. Since...as I sit here in front of a laptop with part 2 of Pride and Prejudice waiting for me to hit the "play" button on the remote....is probably my best bet for finding some joy. And I want to travel some more...even though that can be a two-edged sword of pain too.
I probably need to book a singles cruise....I love to cruise. Love to travel. See new places. And I've done it too...without Mike...and had the pain of doing it all...WITHOUT Mike. There is no getting away from pain it seems.
Watching your daughter as she glows showing off her engagement ring.... tenderly and yet painfully...wonderful. Watching another daughter performing on stage....and unable to share smiles across the seat with the Dad who was the Prince Charming to her Cinderella at her birthday party so log ago....sets off all the familiar and commonplace pangs to the heart. Again. And again. And...again. They just never go away!!!! The worst part of being without Mike is when I just want to cry on my best friends strong, hairy chest... because being a Mom is hard....still. 26 years later and I continue to not get it Motherhood right all the time.
I screw up and say the wrong thing hurting the girls feelings or...get my feelings squashed by them...still. Mom-hood remains challenging a lot of the time still. Never easy.... I am simply not the wisest and gentlest and most biblically-wonderfully-always-get-it-right Mom. (More sniffles). And I don't have Mikes' strong, wonderfully masculine chest to fall upon and splash all my hurt and tears upon. And..... Gizmo doesn't really work like Mike did.
I am also sick. Enroute home from Tennessee I didn't go straight home. Instead, I went straight to the Dr's office upon my arrival to Savannah this afternoon. Because throughout the wedding dress boutiques, dining and dollywood....was me fighting with a developing and fairly brutal bronchitis. I kept lysol and hand sanitizing myself, Amie and Katie along with Katie's apartment and the cars to death! So didn't want to give this to the girls!
Probably being sick plus watching Pride and Prejudice plus overdosing on Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream is behind this post being as maudlin and sad as it is. That would be good. It means tomorrow is bound to be a better day because antibiotics should kick in and the DVD will be over and there shall be no more ice cream in my home for at least the next month. So...
Joy is around the corner. yep. Sigh. Okay. I'm gonna hit the play button on the remote now.
And I knew it would be awful without having Mike there with me. We had such plans. It wasn't going to be a time of sadness at all. It was going to be a time of freedom and rediscovering our joy in the company of each other.
I told him for so many years...since for so many many years my life was wrapped up quite fully with the girls...that "his time was coming". And I believed it too. I just needed him to let me have "this time" with them because I knew it would be fleeting. All too soon they'd be moved out and gone.
Maybe part of the focus and fervor I had about having "only these few years left with the girls" came from myself moving clear across the country after I married Mike. When I did that...I hardly got to see my family again really. I didn't think the cost of airplane tickets and such would turn out to be as prohibitive as it became in reality back when I was starry eyed and fairly ignorant of the cost that would be borne in raising a family. And the work commitments and pull of other commitments as well all combined to make my trips out to California to see my family few and far between. Of course phone calls became a bridge. And I did get out...but ofttimes more than not...just me. Not all four. Cost... you know.
So I just really wanted to treasure up the years I had with the girls before they began "their lives" apart from me and Mike. And I knew the time Mike and I would "then" have would be so much fun! I imagined him finally getting the harley of his dreams and hopping on the back of it (I even told him to get a high back so that I wouldn't go flying off into the road :) and we'd go to this festival or that one. Fish. Talk. Mike and I talked well together...so much fun were our conversations. Lighthearted teasing was our mainstay. And...when the raising of my daughters or another emotional turmoil with work or whatever would be bothering me....he was my bud. My guy. The one I could go to and confide in and cry to and he'd always be there... on my side and just...there. For me.
After Mike died... Katie got her post college job and moved to Tennessee. And the emptying began. Amie didn't move permanently though...anywhere. She kept moving "temporarily" to other states. First to Florida with her Disney internships. Then to her theater job in Kentucky. Now in Pigeon Forge at Dollywood.
The sadly ironic thing in all this ... as I sit hear with tears slipping down my cheeks because being all by myself in a home without Mike or the girls...is terribly sad really...is that, I actually thought sometimes I'd like to find out what being "finally" by myself without either of the girls living at home anymore...would be like! Cause I'm an idiot. Or at least I recognize now my idiocy.
I kinda wanted to just "get on with it". Figure it out. Find out how it really would be. And now...I have. And it's pretty awful really. Not fun. Very sad. Lonely.
I only left Tennessee and both the girls earlier today after a weekend of laughter and hugs and a thorough interrogation to find out "how did he pop the question?" Katie is engaged! So happy. My heart has been rift with rivers of happy and sadness all weekend long. Because that remains the position of my heart ever since Mike died when it comes to the girls.....is that teeter-totter of happy mixed with sad emotions. The bitter with the sweet. Simply because it's the not being able to share the happy (with Mike) that immediately intersperses into the happy....the rivers of sad. But...at least I am no longer drowning in sad. It's just rivulets that run through the images and scenes of my life...like rain rivulets on the car window. I'm so happy that she found the man God designed for her. And Amie and I had such fun pulling every single part of the proposal out of Katie and Jeff...as well as touring wedding boutiques and laughingly having her try on a veil and such. A weekend with memories and laughter I will treasure. But then...to come home and not have Mike to tell about it, or to share it with... (blow air out. stop typing. sigh again..resume typing).
I just finished 2 pints of ice cream. Now I don't want to eat ice cream again ever. I think I just made myself sick with it. And I am watching the Colin Firth "Pride and Prejudice" DVD on my TV. Not my best idea.
I need to do something. I'm not sure what though. It's not like I haven't been crazy busy doing tons of things since April this year. And here it is only July. I moved downstairs to the first floor duplex apartment, carpeted the second floor duplex, sold and moved all the furnishings between that duplex and the Cottage, had construction to create a second bedroom in the first floor duplex I moved into, enlarged and had built an enclave for the hot tub which I moved from one property to this one, repaired outlets, air conditioners, floors, fountains, phone lines, cable lines, toilets, washing machines, dryers...repairs and more repairs. I painted decks, walls, ceilings, exteriors, interiors...ugh...SO MUCH PAINTING! Plus I advertised and obtained two new tenants for two properties, am STILL trying to get a tenant for a third, placed another property for sale with a listing agent, fired said agent, took it off the market and now switching to another realtor and preparing to relist it, continued to run the other property as a short term vacation rental with the constant cleaning, spritzing, re-cleaning, re-spritzing. Sigh. I applied for and changed over to another boss/job at the hospital to get more ICU/CCU time in (only to find I haven't had anytime to spare to work more than the few part time hours I'm required to give to them) and even applied to some travel nurse agencies (yep, considering doing that again)...etcetera. I really am exhausted in many ways and have been sooooo busy that even though I have had lonely periods...they've been squeezed in. They didn't seem to streeeeettttttccccchhhhh out. They took place in between Amie being here and gone again and here again. Its not been like this....like what it is now.
Now... the empty nesting has actually happened. And because all the above chaotic-ness of the past several months is now done...I'm noticing that it arrived. For real. For painfully sadly real.
My friends are great. But....they have husbands. Some still have kids at home. No other by-themselves-widows to call on for coffee. And I really miss romance. I'd have a friend. But no romance. No heart song. Mike was my best friend and my romance. Not just one but both. And romance doesn't always mean physical...it was the "being loved". The physical was great too. But "being loved" and knowing you are....by a man who is your best friend and intimate....it is gone. And it is a tremendous thing to lose. And to know...it's gone. What I miss is not replaceable by a fellow widow or even beloved friends or daughters.
I wonder about how others have done it....this loneliness and being alone. Before, when I was single and in my 20's....I lived alone. And wondered at times if I would "ever meet" Mr. Right and not be alone. But...when you are young and in your 20's wondering if you will meet the guy you'll marry....you hope you will. You dream you will. It's different being 56 and figuring that you aren't gonna meet another Mr. Right. All the single men my age are just plain old....I mean OLD! It's weird cause Mike and I were the same age so our wrinkles were being developed at the same time. Which means....I never really looked at Mike as old. Old and wrinkled guys...not attractive. Neither I'm sure is old and wrinkling moi. But hey.....I didnt expect to have to be attractive. I expected to be enjoyed and beloved by my husband like a well worn and beloved tee shirt. Wrinkles and all...wouldn't matter.
I look at my sis and other women who've been alone for years...but it's been because of divorce. And I know there may be men out there who are single and they're either never married...which makes you immediately shy away or ....divorced. Which also makes me just sadly shake my head and realize...that aint gonna fly either. Because it isn't anything like widowness.....and christian-wise....not even a pool to dip a toe into for me. So...
I shall be alone. And it sucks.
And it's sad.
I run to Jesus all the time. I'm glad He's there to run to...but it often feels very empty. Which means....I must not have my relationship with Him down the way it should be. So...that is where I will focus my energy. Getting it back into a state where the joy is in THAT. Since...as I sit here in front of a laptop with part 2 of Pride and Prejudice waiting for me to hit the "play" button on the remote....is probably my best bet for finding some joy. And I want to travel some more...even though that can be a two-edged sword of pain too.
I probably need to book a singles cruise....I love to cruise. Love to travel. See new places. And I've done it too...without Mike...and had the pain of doing it all...WITHOUT Mike. There is no getting away from pain it seems.
Watching your daughter as she glows showing off her engagement ring.... tenderly and yet painfully...wonderful. Watching another daughter performing on stage....and unable to share smiles across the seat with the Dad who was the Prince Charming to her Cinderella at her birthday party so log ago....sets off all the familiar and commonplace pangs to the heart. Again. And again. And...again. They just never go away!!!! The worst part of being without Mike is when I just want to cry on my best friends strong, hairy chest... because being a Mom is hard....still. 26 years later and I continue to not get it Motherhood right all the time.
I screw up and say the wrong thing hurting the girls feelings or...get my feelings squashed by them...still. Mom-hood remains challenging a lot of the time still. Never easy.... I am simply not the wisest and gentlest and most biblically-wonderfully-always-get-it-right Mom. (More sniffles). And I don't have Mikes' strong, wonderfully masculine chest to fall upon and splash all my hurt and tears upon. And..... Gizmo doesn't really work like Mike did.
I am also sick. Enroute home from Tennessee I didn't go straight home. Instead, I went straight to the Dr's office upon my arrival to Savannah this afternoon. Because throughout the wedding dress boutiques, dining and dollywood....was me fighting with a developing and fairly brutal bronchitis. I kept lysol and hand sanitizing myself, Amie and Katie along with Katie's apartment and the cars to death! So didn't want to give this to the girls!
Probably being sick plus watching Pride and Prejudice plus overdosing on Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream is behind this post being as maudlin and sad as it is. That would be good. It means tomorrow is bound to be a better day because antibiotics should kick in and the DVD will be over and there shall be no more ice cream in my home for at least the next month. So...
Joy is around the corner. yep. Sigh. Okay. I'm gonna hit the play button on the remote now.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Hectic to the nth power is starting to abate!
Letting out big slow sigh. Finally. I think the chaos of the last month and a half is at a level where I can actually relax a bit!
I started my move from the second floor duplex apartment into the first floor apartment THAT HAS A COURTYARD one month and 3 days ago. Well maybe a bit sooner. Backtrack to 2 weeks prior...packing up my apartment into boxes. Amie is in Pigeon Forge as a performer at Dollywood for 7 months but she's back between acting jobs so I "get" to pack up all her stuff too. But had to start because I was putting in brand new wall to wall carpeting into my 2nd floor home (as a soundproof buffer for when I moved downstairs and had people above me). Got the boxing done and shoved all the boxes into closets, bathrooms, shelves, and the kitchen while they installed the carpets. Whew! At the same time, was focusing on moving my hot tub from the patio deck next door (yes..I did say next door. It was in my rental units' courtyard that I now am putting on the market to try to sell/rent...something/anything to be done with the short-term rental use I've been doing for years with it). So...I have supervised the construction/extension of the deck in the courtyard below me (where I'm moving soon) to accommodate said Hot Tub. Once that was built...I was blessed beyond measure to have 9 buff young and...not-quite-so-young-but-still-very-strong men come over to my home and literally LIFT this huge hot tub over the 8 foot wall that separated my "soon to become my" courtyard from the "still mine but... don't want hot tub there anymore for potential buyers to want to have it" courtyard next door. Confusing I know. But the bottom line is that I have WONDERFUL friends with terrific hubbys and sons!! Watching these 9 guys heft that hot tub...amazing. So...that took up a lot of time and then the hot tub sprung a leak and putting the sides of it back together is like a rubik cube puzzle! Took a good while before I got the sides in there correctly. Only to find there was now a leak in the pipes so had to take them all off again...get a repair guy in...and...then figure out my rubik-puzzle hot tub panels one more time! So that was all of the last half of April. Plus of course..running up to get Amie settled in her new job and visiting with Katie. Then...May 1st finally came which meant that Mikes folks (who decided to buy a Condo out on the islands in east Savannah but who'd been renting from Mike and I for years) were officially moved out of the first floor apartment THAT HAS THE COURTYARD!
Yes! Yep, the Courtyard is huge for me. After living with just a balcony in a 2nd floor 2 BR duplex with Mike, the girls, our dog, cat(s), & fish since 2006...having a courtyard again is a seriously big thing for this little gal.
Ahhhhh. And so began this past month. Before I could move boxes out of closets and bathrooms etc...along with whatever furniture I did want to keep...I needed to create a 2nd bedroom out of the 1BR/2BA first floor duplex apartment downstairs. And paint ceilings before they could start. (Pop liked having all the ceilings the same colors as the walls..but not so with me so...I got out tees that are now artistically um...splattered in a very fashionable splattering and painted all the ceilings in my soon-to-be-apartment. Between contractors and calling my handyman guy to do all sorts of other repairs that kept popping up (the Air Conditioning unit went belly up on the first day!) etc...I have been barely able to breathe. Thankful that I work at the hospital only rarely as every day has been spilling over with stuff to do at home. Plus...my renters in the Cottage out back and the Studio Apt (3rd floor) also have their leases running out so I needed to start finding new tenants and, because I have the Manor for sale/rent...I needed to figure out what furnishings between these four homes did I want to keep and move into my first floor apartment and what to get rid of. And...the other thing I had to deal with has been soundproofing. Townhouse and duplexes are tough and I don't want to hear my neighbors (renters) essentially. So I got out the nailgun and put in carpet runners along the stairwell to my old apartment and the studio apartment (looks beauteeeeful! I only had to rip up parts of it twice because I'd finish and it would make you dizzy if you looked down because it wasn't straight but swerving a bit. But finally got it straight. (HA! love a pun).
Anyhow....still handling the short term Manor rentals next door and, in between, I rotated a bunch of the furnishings between my old apartment, the studio apartment and the Manor on a merry-go-round-search for what I wanted to now put into my "new" first floor apartment and what to get rid of or change out for soundproofing needs. Studio now has great new carpet, got a new settee as I took the old one and a full-sized bed instead of the Daybed and trundle. Manor now has the daybed/trundle, lost the full bed to the Studio and the antique oak kitchenette that I now have instead. I hired two strong movers who helped me with all this merry-go-rounding plus the hands of a sweet friend who (unfortunately) kept being here when I would decide to exchange out a piece of furnishing. Moving the tempurpedic bed was the hardest on the movers though. But... I love my new room. Right off the faux french doors of my newly created bedroom is my totally working wonderfully... Hot Tub!
So...Wednesday, May 25th finally and exhaustedly found me and Gizmo, for the first time....sleeping and moved into my first floor apartment. Woohoo! Yay! Just typing this is making me smile and want to do a high-kick cheer routine!! (not that I could but it's there...in my thoughts!)
I left the cat upstairs for a few more nights till I had more boxes and such unpacked so that it wouldn't be quite so stressful for her. But Kiara is now here along with the fish.
Life continued pretty hectic...had to unpack..figure out storage...work on plants for the courtyard...get the outside outlets and fountain repaired...etc. But finally coming together!
So much so that 2 nights ago...for the first time since we lifted and moved my Hot Tub over the wall weeks prior...I FINALLY stepped into my hot tub and got to enjoy being under the stars with serious massage jets on a pretty bruised up body.
Ahhhhhhhh. I finished up the month of May on Memorial Weekend by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts at the hospital.
Done now with nursing again for quite a few weeks though. Thank goodness. I can only handle so many spinning plates before they, or I, break.
So June is still filled up with unpacking. I haven't even touched the second bedroom . It's still chock full of boxes. It'll be Amies when she's in town and my spare when she's not. And I still need to buy some furniture and do some painting and stuff to decorate things the way I want. My maintenance guy is coming again tomorrow to do some more small repairs on various units including my own so that is ongoing.
But...I still feel such a freedom being this far along in the moving in and such. I can finally focus on getting new tenants! As I said...my Cottage and Studio ones leave this month. I did get the Studio re-rented! But I need to find tenants for 1. my "old digs"...the second floor 2BR/2BA duplex. 2. the 2BR/2BA Cottage (it used to the Carriage House to this huge home-now-split-into-separate-units). AND...though I am hoping to sell the Manor next door.... I am still operating it as a short-term rental till that day finally comes which means...constantly finding new vacation renters for it.
So...I am heading out on this bright and sunshiny day to paint touch ups and trim and clean the duplex apartment this week. Gotta make it tenant ready. Next will be the Studio. And after that the Cottage.
In the meantime...sending up prayers for our sweet Lord to provide me with the "right" tenants.
He often takes things down to the wire with me in past needs I've prayed for. I think it's a strengthening of faith-deal. It's easy to have faith when you pray way ahead of the deadline to get something and you get it. But much harder when the deadline (eg: loss of rental income) is staring you hard in the face and only moments away. So then, when He still pulls it out....you realize it isn't the convenient pat answer that Satan wants you to think... which is contained in one word....
Co-incidence. But the answer truly is from God.
Well. That's me. My past month and a half of kinda-crazy-awful-hectec-so-glad-I'm-"almost"-doneness. It would've been so much easier to have done all this with Mike. Cheaper too...by far! But.... I think he'd be proud of me for doing as much of the repairs and work on my own too. And just the getting it all done. Women out there with mates though....treasure not just the muscles and brawn (which I really miss with Mike) but the camaraderie of sharing the load. I miss that the most.
I started my move from the second floor duplex apartment into the first floor apartment THAT HAS A COURTYARD one month and 3 days ago. Well maybe a bit sooner. Backtrack to 2 weeks prior...packing up my apartment into boxes. Amie is in Pigeon Forge as a performer at Dollywood for 7 months but she's back between acting jobs so I "get" to pack up all her stuff too. But had to start because I was putting in brand new wall to wall carpeting into my 2nd floor home (as a soundproof buffer for when I moved downstairs and had people above me). Got the boxing done and shoved all the boxes into closets, bathrooms, shelves, and the kitchen while they installed the carpets. Whew! At the same time, was focusing on moving my hot tub from the patio deck next door (yes..I did say next door. It was in my rental units' courtyard that I now am putting on the market to try to sell/rent...something/anything to be done with the short-term rental use I've been doing for years with it). So...I have supervised the construction/extension of the deck in the courtyard below me (where I'm moving soon) to accommodate said Hot Tub. Once that was built...I was blessed beyond measure to have 9 buff young and...not-quite-so-young-but-still-very-strong men come over to my home and literally LIFT this huge hot tub over the 8 foot wall that separated my "soon to become my" courtyard from the "still mine but... don't want hot tub there anymore for potential buyers to want to have it" courtyard next door. Confusing I know. But the bottom line is that I have WONDERFUL friends with terrific hubbys and sons!! Watching these 9 guys heft that hot tub...amazing. So...that took up a lot of time and then the hot tub sprung a leak and putting the sides of it back together is like a rubik cube puzzle! Took a good while before I got the sides in there correctly. Only to find there was now a leak in the pipes so had to take them all off again...get a repair guy in...and...then figure out my rubik-puzzle hot tub panels one more time! So that was all of the last half of April. Plus of course..running up to get Amie settled in her new job and visiting with Katie. Then...May 1st finally came which meant that Mikes folks (who decided to buy a Condo out on the islands in east Savannah but who'd been renting from Mike and I for years) were officially moved out of the first floor apartment THAT HAS THE COURTYARD!
Yes! Yep, the Courtyard is huge for me. After living with just a balcony in a 2nd floor 2 BR duplex with Mike, the girls, our dog, cat(s), & fish since 2006...having a courtyard again is a seriously big thing for this little gal.
Ahhhhh. And so began this past month. Before I could move boxes out of closets and bathrooms etc...along with whatever furniture I did want to keep...I needed to create a 2nd bedroom out of the 1BR/2BA first floor duplex apartment downstairs. And paint ceilings before they could start. (Pop liked having all the ceilings the same colors as the walls..but not so with me so...I got out tees that are now artistically um...splattered in a very fashionable splattering and painted all the ceilings in my soon-to-be-apartment. Between contractors and calling my handyman guy to do all sorts of other repairs that kept popping up (the Air Conditioning unit went belly up on the first day!) etc...I have been barely able to breathe. Thankful that I work at the hospital only rarely as every day has been spilling over with stuff to do at home. Plus...my renters in the Cottage out back and the Studio Apt (3rd floor) also have their leases running out so I needed to start finding new tenants and, because I have the Manor for sale/rent...I needed to figure out what furnishings between these four homes did I want to keep and move into my first floor apartment and what to get rid of. And...the other thing I had to deal with has been soundproofing. Townhouse and duplexes are tough and I don't want to hear my neighbors (renters) essentially. So I got out the nailgun and put in carpet runners along the stairwell to my old apartment and the studio apartment (looks beauteeeeful! I only had to rip up parts of it twice because I'd finish and it would make you dizzy if you looked down because it wasn't straight but swerving a bit. But finally got it straight. (HA! love a pun).
Anyhow....still handling the short term Manor rentals next door and, in between, I rotated a bunch of the furnishings between my old apartment, the studio apartment and the Manor on a merry-go-round-search for what I wanted to now put into my "new" first floor apartment and what to get rid of or change out for soundproofing needs. Studio now has great new carpet, got a new settee as I took the old one and a full-sized bed instead of the Daybed and trundle. Manor now has the daybed/trundle, lost the full bed to the Studio and the antique oak kitchenette that I now have instead. I hired two strong movers who helped me with all this merry-go-rounding plus the hands of a sweet friend who (unfortunately) kept being here when I would decide to exchange out a piece of furnishing. Moving the tempurpedic bed was the hardest on the movers though. But... I love my new room. Right off the faux french doors of my newly created bedroom is my totally working wonderfully... Hot Tub!
So...Wednesday, May 25th finally and exhaustedly found me and Gizmo, for the first time....sleeping and moved into my first floor apartment. Woohoo! Yay! Just typing this is making me smile and want to do a high-kick cheer routine!! (not that I could but it's there...in my thoughts!)
I left the cat upstairs for a few more nights till I had more boxes and such unpacked so that it wouldn't be quite so stressful for her. But Kiara is now here along with the fish.
Life continued pretty hectic...had to unpack..figure out storage...work on plants for the courtyard...get the outside outlets and fountain repaired...etc. But finally coming together!
So much so that 2 nights ago...for the first time since we lifted and moved my Hot Tub over the wall weeks prior...I FINALLY stepped into my hot tub and got to enjoy being under the stars with serious massage jets on a pretty bruised up body.
Ahhhhhhhh. I finished up the month of May on Memorial Weekend by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts at the hospital.
Done now with nursing again for quite a few weeks though. Thank goodness. I can only handle so many spinning plates before they, or I, break.
So June is still filled up with unpacking. I haven't even touched the second bedroom . It's still chock full of boxes. It'll be Amies when she's in town and my spare when she's not. And I still need to buy some furniture and do some painting and stuff to decorate things the way I want. My maintenance guy is coming again tomorrow to do some more small repairs on various units including my own so that is ongoing.
But...I still feel such a freedom being this far along in the moving in and such. I can finally focus on getting new tenants! As I said...my Cottage and Studio ones leave this month. I did get the Studio re-rented! But I need to find tenants for 1. my "old digs"...the second floor 2BR/2BA duplex. 2. the 2BR/2BA Cottage (it used to the Carriage House to this huge home-now-split-into-separate-units). AND...though I am hoping to sell the Manor next door.... I am still operating it as a short-term rental till that day finally comes which means...constantly finding new vacation renters for it.
So...I am heading out on this bright and sunshiny day to paint touch ups and trim and clean the duplex apartment this week. Gotta make it tenant ready. Next will be the Studio. And after that the Cottage.
In the meantime...sending up prayers for our sweet Lord to provide me with the "right" tenants.
He often takes things down to the wire with me in past needs I've prayed for. I think it's a strengthening of faith-deal. It's easy to have faith when you pray way ahead of the deadline to get something and you get it. But much harder when the deadline (eg: loss of rental income) is staring you hard in the face and only moments away. So then, when He still pulls it out....you realize it isn't the convenient pat answer that Satan wants you to think... which is contained in one word....
Co-incidence. But the answer truly is from God.
Well. That's me. My past month and a half of kinda-crazy-awful-hectec-so-glad-I'm-"almost"-doneness. It would've been so much easier to have done all this with Mike. Cheaper too...by far! But.... I think he'd be proud of me for doing as much of the repairs and work on my own too. And just the getting it all done. Women out there with mates though....treasure not just the muscles and brawn (which I really miss with Mike) but the camaraderie of sharing the load. I miss that the most.
Monday, April 25, 2016
"talking to" received! Self inflicted. Highly recommend!
Okay Suzie! Whining pretty huge there. So...it's been several hours. And enough time to give myself a good talking to! It helped to get away from the contemporary christian music channels that sometimes don't help. Too much of a soundtrack and a chorus. I want the old hymns and the christian songs from the 80's which told a story...not just a chorus. Or that put the psalms and bible verses to music like Maranatha. Soothing. Speaking. Slooooowly...less fast, slower tempo. Gives you time to think, not just react. I even found another christian station, 89.1 lately that I like cause it has sermons! Not just songs. And solid sermons...good ones! So...after pretty much 11 hours, I and am out of the whine and woe stage. Back to actually recognizing and enjoying that I have blessings. So,so many.
Now I don't fault myself for whining. It's a reality...trials are hard. tribulations even harder. (Don't ask me the exact difference either :). I am fully and humanly entitled to be angry, sad and cry as I find myself stepping and getting lost inside potholes that are strategically placed along the path we journey on. And I just went swimming in mine. But I hate to stay in any pothole.
This talking to...is pretty easy because my trial, my woes...so tiny compared to what I could be enduring. And what others are enduring! I just have to look around.
Right after Mike died and during the weeks before when he was having his chemo treatments, it was so evident to me and to the girls how people simply do not know what the person next to you is going through. The person in line at the grocery store, at the bank, at the post office or the driver of the car in the lane next to yours. We have NO idea! Be kind. Be gracious in giving others grace when they yell at you or are abrupt or curt...or even rude. Hold back your angry comment and try to let the ugly thought slide away from you. Don't let it stick or be spoken. Because ...truly...you just DON'T know. Maybe they're really in a joyous chapter. Be happy for them. Let happiness override covetousness or resentment and take joining in being happy for others good fortunes as a gift. Or maybe what they are in is a chapter that is horribly, and painfully awful. Like ones I've experienced. Or am experiencing..as "wham" moments etc. Or worse. Or better. The thing is...you really just do not know what the person smiling at you in line or in a parking lot as they head for their car is really...going through. And if I think of all the possibilities there are that they could be dealing with...my own troubles and grief and issues shrank down into a perspective that left me gratefully thanking God for what I have.
Yep, you grab hold of your bootstraps, hike yourself onto a rock and look at your pothole. Then at all the others that exist in the world that you could be in...and that others are in! Good talk self!
Now I have to realize that my earlier entry is even a bit embarrassing. Oh...Woe woe is me. Complaining about having to handle all these rentals when others have no home at all and lie in the woods with dirt for a pillow. I have down....fluffy fluffy down alternative and down (no feathers!) pillows and a tempurpedic!
I sang my apologies to the Lord and (yep, I write songs in my head as I sing them...but they never get written down on paper. Sometimes rhyming. Sometimes not. Sometimes very clever and lyrical and I think...this should be published! But my songwriting/singing is just to the Lord so my prayer songs are "one and done" songs :).
Anyhooooo. I have had time to reflect (eg: sing). about all my myriad blessings. Getting to see Mike again. Having HAD a husband as good as he was to me. My girls. And...all the blessings I have Material-wise and Friend and Family-wise. Yep...talked to. Feeling good again.
Next time...I will do what I usually do...which is NOT to get on my blog and spill my emotions because...as it is again and again since Mike died and Mom died and Dad died and the miscarriage happened and sickness happened and finances dropped and...oh yeah. I guess this is what is called "life" happening :)....after a pep talk and reflection on blessings and the Lord Himself...I always climb out of the pothole, onto the rock of my salvation. And clouds part and beautiful vistas start to be seen. So...onward I go. Till the next storm...or pothole.
Now I don't fault myself for whining. It's a reality...trials are hard. tribulations even harder. (Don't ask me the exact difference either :). I am fully and humanly entitled to be angry, sad and cry as I find myself stepping and getting lost inside potholes that are strategically placed along the path we journey on. And I just went swimming in mine. But I hate to stay in any pothole.
This talking to...is pretty easy because my trial, my woes...so tiny compared to what I could be enduring. And what others are enduring! I just have to look around.
Right after Mike died and during the weeks before when he was having his chemo treatments, it was so evident to me and to the girls how people simply do not know what the person next to you is going through. The person in line at the grocery store, at the bank, at the post office or the driver of the car in the lane next to yours. We have NO idea! Be kind. Be gracious in giving others grace when they yell at you or are abrupt or curt...or even rude. Hold back your angry comment and try to let the ugly thought slide away from you. Don't let it stick or be spoken. Because ...truly...you just DON'T know. Maybe they're really in a joyous chapter. Be happy for them. Let happiness override covetousness or resentment and take joining in being happy for others good fortunes as a gift. Or maybe what they are in is a chapter that is horribly, and painfully awful. Like ones I've experienced. Or am experiencing..as "wham" moments etc. Or worse. Or better. The thing is...you really just do not know what the person smiling at you in line or in a parking lot as they head for their car is really...going through. And if I think of all the possibilities there are that they could be dealing with...my own troubles and grief and issues shrank down into a perspective that left me gratefully thanking God for what I have.
Yep, you grab hold of your bootstraps, hike yourself onto a rock and look at your pothole. Then at all the others that exist in the world that you could be in...and that others are in! Good talk self!
Now I have to realize that my earlier entry is even a bit embarrassing. Oh...Woe woe is me. Complaining about having to handle all these rentals when others have no home at all and lie in the woods with dirt for a pillow. I have down....fluffy fluffy down alternative and down (no feathers!) pillows and a tempurpedic!
I sang my apologies to the Lord and (yep, I write songs in my head as I sing them...but they never get written down on paper. Sometimes rhyming. Sometimes not. Sometimes very clever and lyrical and I think...this should be published! But my songwriting/singing is just to the Lord so my prayer songs are "one and done" songs :).
Anyhooooo. I have had time to reflect (eg: sing). about all my myriad blessings. Getting to see Mike again. Having HAD a husband as good as he was to me. My girls. And...all the blessings I have Material-wise and Friend and Family-wise. Yep...talked to. Feeling good again.
Next time...I will do what I usually do...which is NOT to get on my blog and spill my emotions because...as it is again and again since Mike died and Mom died and Dad died and the miscarriage happened and sickness happened and finances dropped and...oh yeah. I guess this is what is called "life" happening :)....after a pep talk and reflection on blessings and the Lord Himself...I always climb out of the pothole, onto the rock of my salvation. And clouds part and beautiful vistas start to be seen. So...onward I go. Till the next storm...or pothole.
Still so difficult...plus dealing with Satan's lies is hugely tough right now
You'd think I'd be so much further along. I think I should be so much further along. But it is still so dang awful to live a life that doesn't have Mike beside me. There really isn't an adjective so I have to settle for the not-even-close-to-describing-it phrase, "It sucks".
I have these "wham" episodes everyday which is when I'm trucking through whatever it is I'm doing not thinking about not having Mike, just about whatever it is I am about doing when...WHAM....it just hits me like this shot out of nowhere. The physical bash to the heart and a total awareness of how he isn't here and how much I MISS him. Ugh! So awful. And I'm completely unable to get the whams to stop because they don't seem to have a particular trigger.
When I'm not getting hit by wham moments, I have to shrug off constantly cobwebby mantles of sadness that keep drifting over me. They come when I drive and see the white cargo van (like the one Mike drove) or when I'm trying to do the "handyman" things around the house. I have been doing so many handyman things recently with my rentals too. Probably why discouragement and absence of joy has been winding it's way deeper into my life of late. And I feel bad too that the handyman times make me miss the..."convenience" (I guess is the word) that came from being married to Mike. Not just married....but married to Mike! He'd do anything I wanted and could fix anything that needed fixed. And as I do these repair needs myself or arrange for others to come to do them it just reverberates again and again inside me...the 'dang it Lord! Why! Why did you take him?!"
And the emotions I get aren't simple. They're not pure. Because I am dismayed at the same time that it isn't always the "him-ness" of Mike that I'm missing, but the "helpfulness" part of marriage to Mike.
The girls are gone now. Both of them. Living out of state. So it's just me. And the dog and cat and fish. And a ton of packing up and decision-making re: my rentals and such is part of the day to day life that is mine now. Pretty boring.
I must be battling depression right now to be wholly truthful. I'm tired. Tired of life without Mike. Tired of the busyness that has no warmth to it...just things checked off a To-Do-List.
I know I should try to diet and that I should do all my usual limbering up exercises. Tai Chi. Stretch. Take the dog for long walks. You know. Everything a 56 year old woman should do if she wants to remain in shape and limber heading into the 60's on up. But my ergometer bike sits untouched, my regular bike sits waiting for me to take it out. My pool membership gets paid each month and I haven't gone in months. I know I should do planks and sit ups... and I don't.
Of course I rationalize the non-use and non-activity daily. There's too much traffic to bike ride the street right now...the city needs to create better bike paths and now the city won't let bikes in the parks so...where would I ride that doesn't mean going down unsafe streets? Or having to actually put the bike on a bike rack and drive there? As for taking the dog for long walks..I don't like to walk just to "walk". I am busy and I require a destination that is of use to me and my to-do-list. But the destinations I could walk to with the dog won't allow dogs inside. Such as the grocery store or post office. I can't leave him outside...he'd bark continuously in utter distress if I did so. Pet Smart would let him in...but that's a drive and not on my to- do-list. Always a reason not to do what I should do. The ergometer bike is by the TV I don't watch. The pool is..... too far and I have to drive and check in and change and...well whatever ...I don't want to go. Usually the reason that shuts all the "should o's down" is the excuse "I have too much to do here".
Because it's so true.
I have to pack up my entire house and move it downstairs to the first floor duplex. I have to move a tree from the first floor courtyard to the front tree lawn. But this all must be done in stages...because I'm waiting still for Mikes parents to move out of the first floor duplex before I can start putting boxes and furnishings down there. Nor do I want to uproot the tree in "their" courtyard till they've moved so that they don't feel "pushed out" . Which is reasonable...they've paid rent till the end of the month. But reasonable in one part still means inconvenient in another. But it's the same with all three of the homes that I have with renters moving out within the next 30 days. Two other tenants of mine are also due to move out, these homes will need to be cleaned and I have to advertise and get new tenants...and do the same with my second floor duplex as well. So I'm a bit stressed with this need to get "in there" and start changing/selling/moving the furnishings to make these four units either unfurnished, "less"-furnished or "re"-furnished. Having to wait till each is actually "out" only makes figuring out what to do/exchange/keep/sell of the myriad of furnishings within them...frustratingly difficult. Because all the "out" dates differ by a week or two.
Lastly...on my stressometer...is the Manor. Still being rented out short-term means it requires lots of time and effort on my part to keep it clean and rented (just fired another housekeeper...so inadequate are they which means I need to go over there today and clean it). I'm tired of the amount of work. So, I'm also trying to sell the Manor too. (Sigh....). I'm already tired just typing up all this.
All of the THIS of what I just typed provides Satan lots of fodder to use as he whispers and I rationalize why I'm too busy to do anything fun with friends or athletic. And yet I could. I could call my girlfriends and try to set up some coffee or lunch meets or even, if any of them had a bike...go biking. But I don't. They all have jobs and husbands or still homeschooling their kids. Irregardless...they're busy. I'm sure they'd make time for me. But...then I look at my to-do list and realize I have too much to do already.
Yep...stress and depression are definitely my bedfellows of late. I know what I need, even as I type this the answer is looming in large print. I need to get tighter with the Lord. He is where the truest joy comes from.
I know this. But, like the unused ergometer bike and dusty mountain bike and the pool several miles down the road from me that I'm not swimming in....it's easier to turn on the TV to the mindless sitcoms or dance competitions or whatever. And the Holy Spirit (yes...He's real. He's inside me. I know Him) nudges me to stop and....I don't. So now, I'm totally crying over how I am not even doing being His child right. Intellectually...I know He still loves me, adores me, and my failure to draw close to Him daily he understands. But, that does not make not doing so...okay. Yet the worst lies that Satan (yes, again for all my family and friends who think this name is melodramatic...Satan also is quite real)...keeps whispering to me all his usual lies. That it is not a problem that I am ignoring the nudges because it isn't the Holy Spirit. Or the lie that Jesus is actually fine with me not obeying right now....cause He knows I just need to rest. And the attack lies... which come after I listen to the first two. That I really am not worth much...and fail God continually.. etcetera etcetera.
But this morning...oh this morning! Satan came up with one that was new. And crushed me. Literally smushed my already battered heart. Even while the Holy Spirit within me was also shouting out "it's not true". And it isn't true. But boy...this new lie a few minutes ago was the worst one ever.
This morning, I decided that the shower door in my bathroom opens the wrong way. It allows water to spew out onto the tile floor when you open the door to get in or out if the water's turned on. Which shouldn't happen. So, being me, and knowing I'll have renters in here soon who may not care if they wet the tile and damage (over time) the molding and such if they let water get out of the shower consistently....I decide the shower door needs to open "the other way".
I examined the screws and holders of the door, found my screwdrivers, unscrewed them, flipped the door over, lost a screw, located a replacement screw, rescrewed them and wallah...it didn't work.
Evidently, I'd have to change /switch out the entire moldings of the shower stall itself to get this idea to work. So...I put everything back the way it was originally and said to heck with taking a shower this morning. I'm clean enough.
After it was all over...the wham came. And other assorted thoughts followed. That, because Mike's Dad was in charge of the first and second floor duplexes when we restored the Manor and these back in 2001, Mike never asked me where I'd even want the shower to go in this bathroom ...much less the direction of the door opening. And thoughts of how if Mike, if he was still alive, would just put it a totally new shower for me. That was how he was...so sweet. He'd do anything for me really. IF he was still here. And then came the thought.... "But, he's not here!" "because Mike was such a darn great, good guy! So much so that he didn't deserve to remain on earth with all its issues and problems but got heaven early!" These thoughts were immediately followed by Satans whisper...."I may NOT get to see Mike again...after all! Cause I'm so NOT good and intrinsically wonderful and worthy of heaven early. Maybe.... not heaven at all! Maybe I'd end up in the group who can't understand....are mystified...are deceived. The ones who shout out
"But Lord...did I not do this or that or that or this in your name? " And the Lord turns to them and says..."Depart from you you who practice lawlessness. I never knew you".
Daggers! So many of them! The longest and most serrated-edged being the ones that told me my hope of seeing Mike again may never be...not because Heaven doesn't exist and Mike isn't there...but because I wouldn't be considered worthy enough to enter and get to be with Mike again! Other daggers were tainted with fear. Could it be true? First off...I'm saddest at the idea of not seeing MIKE! Not about not seeing Jesus. Right there...major FAIL!!! And Satan's whispers and daggers fly faster and faster.... "I fail so miserably and so often at being and doing what the Lord desires and asks of me!"
So.... here I am. Crying as I type. Glad that I hurled the words, "It's not true!" "That is not true" to Satan after he bombarded me with his accusations this morning. Glad I know the bible enough to know the scriptures that tell me I am God's child and firmly held in His hand. Knowing too though that maybe it's because He asks through printed pages on a book written so long ago or by nudges too easily rationalized away or ignored... that I find myself disobeying. I will argue I'd be much better at obeying if it was an audible voice coming out of a burning bush! But it's not a viable excuse. I know the Holy Spirits' nudges to be Him. I am left bereft of excuses... bottom line.
I know to prevent these depression cobwebs from staying and finding hold on me, that I need to truly focus on Him. On Jesus. On His Words. Not on silly sitcoms and Television shows. Or fictional reading of magazines and books. But I have to integrate that focus into the busyness of my life right now. That's the only way to find the joy again that is in this life. It's not in finding a guy to replace Mike. It's not in any body. It's inside of me that I need to work and find it...by focusing upon God's words and His Purity and Presence. So..... hmmmm. Maybe I should go get the cable TV just cancelled. And listen just to my audio bible cd's and christian cd's. Not sure what I will do. Just sure that I need to do something different than I've been doing. Because I'd like to be much further along in this journey through grief and through life...than I am right now.
I have these "wham" episodes everyday which is when I'm trucking through whatever it is I'm doing not thinking about not having Mike, just about whatever it is I am about doing when...WHAM....it just hits me like this shot out of nowhere. The physical bash to the heart and a total awareness of how he isn't here and how much I MISS him. Ugh! So awful. And I'm completely unable to get the whams to stop because they don't seem to have a particular trigger.
When I'm not getting hit by wham moments, I have to shrug off constantly cobwebby mantles of sadness that keep drifting over me. They come when I drive and see the white cargo van (like the one Mike drove) or when I'm trying to do the "handyman" things around the house. I have been doing so many handyman things recently with my rentals too. Probably why discouragement and absence of joy has been winding it's way deeper into my life of late. And I feel bad too that the handyman times make me miss the..."convenience" (I guess is the word) that came from being married to Mike. Not just married....but married to Mike! He'd do anything I wanted and could fix anything that needed fixed. And as I do these repair needs myself or arrange for others to come to do them it just reverberates again and again inside me...the 'dang it Lord! Why! Why did you take him?!"
And the emotions I get aren't simple. They're not pure. Because I am dismayed at the same time that it isn't always the "him-ness" of Mike that I'm missing, but the "helpfulness" part of marriage to Mike.
The girls are gone now. Both of them. Living out of state. So it's just me. And the dog and cat and fish. And a ton of packing up and decision-making re: my rentals and such is part of the day to day life that is mine now. Pretty boring.
I must be battling depression right now to be wholly truthful. I'm tired. Tired of life without Mike. Tired of the busyness that has no warmth to it...just things checked off a To-Do-List.
I know I should try to diet and that I should do all my usual limbering up exercises. Tai Chi. Stretch. Take the dog for long walks. You know. Everything a 56 year old woman should do if she wants to remain in shape and limber heading into the 60's on up. But my ergometer bike sits untouched, my regular bike sits waiting for me to take it out. My pool membership gets paid each month and I haven't gone in months. I know I should do planks and sit ups... and I don't.
Of course I rationalize the non-use and non-activity daily. There's too much traffic to bike ride the street right now...the city needs to create better bike paths and now the city won't let bikes in the parks so...where would I ride that doesn't mean going down unsafe streets? Or having to actually put the bike on a bike rack and drive there? As for taking the dog for long walks..I don't like to walk just to "walk". I am busy and I require a destination that is of use to me and my to-do-list. But the destinations I could walk to with the dog won't allow dogs inside. Such as the grocery store or post office. I can't leave him outside...he'd bark continuously in utter distress if I did so. Pet Smart would let him in...but that's a drive and not on my to- do-list. Always a reason not to do what I should do. The ergometer bike is by the TV I don't watch. The pool is..... too far and I have to drive and check in and change and...well whatever ...I don't want to go. Usually the reason that shuts all the "should o's down" is the excuse "I have too much to do here".
Because it's so true.
I have to pack up my entire house and move it downstairs to the first floor duplex. I have to move a tree from the first floor courtyard to the front tree lawn. But this all must be done in stages...because I'm waiting still for Mikes parents to move out of the first floor duplex before I can start putting boxes and furnishings down there. Nor do I want to uproot the tree in "their" courtyard till they've moved so that they don't feel "pushed out" . Which is reasonable...they've paid rent till the end of the month. But reasonable in one part still means inconvenient in another. But it's the same with all three of the homes that I have with renters moving out within the next 30 days. Two other tenants of mine are also due to move out, these homes will need to be cleaned and I have to advertise and get new tenants...and do the same with my second floor duplex as well. So I'm a bit stressed with this need to get "in there" and start changing/selling/moving the furnishings to make these four units either unfurnished, "less"-furnished or "re"-furnished. Having to wait till each is actually "out" only makes figuring out what to do/exchange/keep/sell of the myriad of furnishings within them...frustratingly difficult. Because all the "out" dates differ by a week or two.
Lastly...on my stressometer...is the Manor. Still being rented out short-term means it requires lots of time and effort on my part to keep it clean and rented (just fired another housekeeper...so inadequate are they which means I need to go over there today and clean it). I'm tired of the amount of work. So, I'm also trying to sell the Manor too. (Sigh....). I'm already tired just typing up all this.
All of the THIS of what I just typed provides Satan lots of fodder to use as he whispers and I rationalize why I'm too busy to do anything fun with friends or athletic. And yet I could. I could call my girlfriends and try to set up some coffee or lunch meets or even, if any of them had a bike...go biking. But I don't. They all have jobs and husbands or still homeschooling their kids. Irregardless...they're busy. I'm sure they'd make time for me. But...then I look at my to-do list and realize I have too much to do already.
Yep...stress and depression are definitely my bedfellows of late. I know what I need, even as I type this the answer is looming in large print. I need to get tighter with the Lord. He is where the truest joy comes from.
I know this. But, like the unused ergometer bike and dusty mountain bike and the pool several miles down the road from me that I'm not swimming in....it's easier to turn on the TV to the mindless sitcoms or dance competitions or whatever. And the Holy Spirit (yes...He's real. He's inside me. I know Him) nudges me to stop and....I don't. So now, I'm totally crying over how I am not even doing being His child right. Intellectually...I know He still loves me, adores me, and my failure to draw close to Him daily he understands. But, that does not make not doing so...okay. Yet the worst lies that Satan (yes, again for all my family and friends who think this name is melodramatic...Satan also is quite real)...keeps whispering to me all his usual lies. That it is not a problem that I am ignoring the nudges because it isn't the Holy Spirit. Or the lie that Jesus is actually fine with me not obeying right now....cause He knows I just need to rest. And the attack lies... which come after I listen to the first two. That I really am not worth much...and fail God continually.. etcetera etcetera.
But this morning...oh this morning! Satan came up with one that was new. And crushed me. Literally smushed my already battered heart. Even while the Holy Spirit within me was also shouting out "it's not true". And it isn't true. But boy...this new lie a few minutes ago was the worst one ever.
This morning, I decided that the shower door in my bathroom opens the wrong way. It allows water to spew out onto the tile floor when you open the door to get in or out if the water's turned on. Which shouldn't happen. So, being me, and knowing I'll have renters in here soon who may not care if they wet the tile and damage (over time) the molding and such if they let water get out of the shower consistently....I decide the shower door needs to open "the other way".
I examined the screws and holders of the door, found my screwdrivers, unscrewed them, flipped the door over, lost a screw, located a replacement screw, rescrewed them and wallah...it didn't work.
Evidently, I'd have to change /switch out the entire moldings of the shower stall itself to get this idea to work. So...I put everything back the way it was originally and said to heck with taking a shower this morning. I'm clean enough.
After it was all over...the wham came. And other assorted thoughts followed. That, because Mike's Dad was in charge of the first and second floor duplexes when we restored the Manor and these back in 2001, Mike never asked me where I'd even want the shower to go in this bathroom ...much less the direction of the door opening. And thoughts of how if Mike, if he was still alive, would just put it a totally new shower for me. That was how he was...so sweet. He'd do anything for me really. IF he was still here. And then came the thought.... "But, he's not here!" "because Mike was such a darn great, good guy! So much so that he didn't deserve to remain on earth with all its issues and problems but got heaven early!" These thoughts were immediately followed by Satans whisper...."I may NOT get to see Mike again...after all! Cause I'm so NOT good and intrinsically wonderful and worthy of heaven early. Maybe.... not heaven at all! Maybe I'd end up in the group who can't understand....are mystified...are deceived. The ones who shout out
"But Lord...did I not do this or that or that or this in your name? " And the Lord turns to them and says..."Depart from you you who practice lawlessness. I never knew you".
Daggers! So many of them! The longest and most serrated-edged being the ones that told me my hope of seeing Mike again may never be...not because Heaven doesn't exist and Mike isn't there...but because I wouldn't be considered worthy enough to enter and get to be with Mike again! Other daggers were tainted with fear. Could it be true? First off...I'm saddest at the idea of not seeing MIKE! Not about not seeing Jesus. Right there...major FAIL!!! And Satan's whispers and daggers fly faster and faster.... "I fail so miserably and so often at being and doing what the Lord desires and asks of me!"
So.... here I am. Crying as I type. Glad that I hurled the words, "It's not true!" "That is not true" to Satan after he bombarded me with his accusations this morning. Glad I know the bible enough to know the scriptures that tell me I am God's child and firmly held in His hand. Knowing too though that maybe it's because He asks through printed pages on a book written so long ago or by nudges too easily rationalized away or ignored... that I find myself disobeying. I will argue I'd be much better at obeying if it was an audible voice coming out of a burning bush! But it's not a viable excuse. I know the Holy Spirits' nudges to be Him. I am left bereft of excuses... bottom line.
I know to prevent these depression cobwebs from staying and finding hold on me, that I need to truly focus on Him. On Jesus. On His Words. Not on silly sitcoms and Television shows. Or fictional reading of magazines and books. But I have to integrate that focus into the busyness of my life right now. That's the only way to find the joy again that is in this life. It's not in finding a guy to replace Mike. It's not in any body. It's inside of me that I need to work and find it...by focusing upon God's words and His Purity and Presence. So..... hmmmm. Maybe I should go get the cable TV just cancelled. And listen just to my audio bible cd's and christian cd's. Not sure what I will do. Just sure that I need to do something different than I've been doing. Because I'd like to be much further along in this journey through grief and through life...than I am right now.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Oh it's a beautiful morning...
March 5, 2016
Yesterday was fun, sad and busy. March 4th. It would've been mine and Mikes' 27th wedding anniversary. Katie sent me an adorable bouquet of flowers to surprise me. Huge sunflowers in a clay vase! Lisa texted first thing yesterday morning and we exchanged memories and tears. Amie spent the entire day doing whatever I wanted which included facials, foot rubs and a steak lunch I didn't have to cook or grill! As well as a hours-long TV netflix marathon. I'm very lucky.
On a brief interlude between marathon episodes on the TV I stepped into the kitchen and could see the fireworks from the kitchen window that they were setting off down on River Street. Fireworks always bring back the night Mike proposed to me in Santa Barbara on the fourth of July in 1988 as we sat on the top of this huge winnebago parked in an beach parking lot while literally swarms of people walked by on all sides. Fireworks. Mike. Sighs. Then back to the marathon and curled up all comfy sipping on my green tea and all wrapped up inside fleece blankets and a warm robe. Gizmo lying next to me on the floor and Amie smiling from her comfy couch. Yesterday was full of sweetness and just hints and tints of bitter.
And then there was.....THIS morning. And this was my thought....which I posted on Facebook.
But looking at my post...I think it also belongs in this blog :). So I am copying and pasting my fb post to here....
March 5. "Okay...now have gotten through my third anniversary without Mike. Still hard but getting easier and am so grateful to my beyond-darling daughters, Jesus my Lord, Savior and lifeline, Mike's and my family and fantastically wonderful friends... for helping to make the past 2 1/2 years survivable. But.......... This morning I woke and stretched and smiled! And then...my first thoughts were about what did I want to do today...and I thought them with interest and enthusiasm! Translation...I have reached a sought after destination !!!!!!!!sm ile emotico.
Some mornings (possibly as early as tomorrow) may become a throwback to past ones where my first thought and breath is about Mike..and missing him. But for this moment in time...THIS day...I was happy when I woke up and realized the day was ahead of me and my thoughts weren't about missing Mike but were about....what should I do with this pretty day!
I am happy to have experienced this. Hoping more of these mornings follow. Because this reaction to waking up...is a serious FIRST since Michael died."
So today...is good. And it really is one beautiful blue-sky and puffy white clouds warm Savannah day outside. What will I do with it?
smile emotico
Yesterday was fun, sad and busy. March 4th. It would've been mine and Mikes' 27th wedding anniversary. Katie sent me an adorable bouquet of flowers to surprise me. Huge sunflowers in a clay vase! Lisa texted first thing yesterday morning and we exchanged memories and tears. Amie spent the entire day doing whatever I wanted which included facials, foot rubs and a steak lunch I didn't have to cook or grill! As well as a hours-long TV netflix marathon. I'm very lucky.
On a brief interlude between marathon episodes on the TV I stepped into the kitchen and could see the fireworks from the kitchen window that they were setting off down on River Street. Fireworks always bring back the night Mike proposed to me in Santa Barbara on the fourth of July in 1988 as we sat on the top of this huge winnebago parked in an beach parking lot while literally swarms of people walked by on all sides. Fireworks. Mike. Sighs. Then back to the marathon and curled up all comfy sipping on my green tea and all wrapped up inside fleece blankets and a warm robe. Gizmo lying next to me on the floor and Amie smiling from her comfy couch. Yesterday was full of sweetness and just hints and tints of bitter.
And then there was.....THIS morning. And this was my thought....which I posted on Facebook.
But looking at my post...I think it also belongs in this blog :). So I am copying and pasting my fb post to here....
March 5. "Okay...now have gotten through my third anniversary without Mike. Still hard but getting easier and am so grateful to my beyond-darling daughters, Jesus my Lord, Savior and lifeline, Mike's and my family and fantastically wonderful friends... for helping to make the past 2 1/2 years survivable. But.......... This morning I woke and stretched and smiled! And then...my first thoughts were about what did I want to do today...and I thought them with interest and enthusiasm! Translation...I have reached a sought after destination !!!!!!!!sm ile emotico.
Some mornings (possibly as early as tomorrow) may become a throwback to past ones where my first thought and breath is about Mike..and missing him. But for this moment in time...THIS day...I was happy when I woke up and realized the day was ahead of me and my thoughts weren't about missing Mike but were about....what should I do with this pretty day!
I am happy to have experienced this. Hoping more of these mornings follow. Because this reaction to waking up...is a serious FIRST since Michael died."
So today...is good. And it really is one beautiful blue-sky and puffy white clouds warm Savannah day outside. What will I do with it?
smile emotico
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Another loss of a different kind....
Today I had to come to acceptance of yet one more loss in my life.
It wasn't about Kronk...our beta fish who jumped out of his bowl to his death yesterday. Though tears were shed. I really loved little Kronk and he'd been with us for close to 3 years. It hurt even more than the loss of Adolfo...Amie's carnival goldfish who defied all odds and lived close to 4 years and who was found belly up only a month ago. Maybe Kronk jumped trying to find Adolfo...as their bowls had been next to one another for years.
No...this loss wasn't about fish. And those tears were brief. They were fish.
And this loss is much more heartfelt. And to some...it may seem even more insignificant that losing Kronk and Adolfo. Yet to me...THIS new loss is searing. While it may seem insignificant to many...it is not to me. Today I accepted that I have lost a part of me that has been a balm to my soul, a salve to my hurts, and that has soothed me in my pain as a child and teenager, young adult, and grown woman.
I have always had, at least to my ears...a most beautiful singing voice. I regaled the neighbors from my swingset as a youngster. When I was a bit older, I dreamed of being a singer actress. Of course, I never told anyone. It was much less likely to bring ridicule if I persevered in my twin desire to become a nurse. But even when I auditioned for high school plays, there was in my heart the desire to have my talent confirmed. If it had been... I think I would've gone for it. But...I was only cast in the chorus for the musicals and never given a solo role. So.... living without the desired but unrequested confirmation of friends, family or drama teachers due to my fear of ridicule if I confided my dream to others...I graduated high school early and went on to become a nurse. Not a bad choice. But oh how much I still loved to sing.
And I have. In the shower. As lullabies to the girls. In church. I never had the time to commit to a church choir which is one reason I was always drawn to the churches where you could sing from the congregation. And compliments always flowed from those around me. I know I wasn't crazy that I could sing and sing well.
Even in college, my sorority sister asked if I would sing in her wedding. Karioke was always a hit for me...lots of compliments.
But it was in my singing to the Lord privately...whether in the car, in the house, walking along the beach or in the shower...where I would spill out to Him in songs I made up as I walked all my hurts, prayers, joys, thanks, sorrows. Just all my feelings. So often for the past 4 decades have they been sung to Him. It has been a huge part of our relationship.
To lose the ability to sing to Him beautifully... hurts. But over the past few weeks, I have noticed that age is catching up to my singing voice. There are catches. breaks. cracks. And this morning as I tried to sing....I also accepted. And sang to him with a myriad of cracks, breaks and catches my made-up-song of thanks for letting me have that gift for all the years that He had. And how much I had loved singing to Him with a voice that sounded beautiful to MY ears.
I know that my song sounds beautiful to HIS even when it is cracking, breaking and even should it be the equivalent of caterwauling to another mere human. For any praise and conversation with Him is a thing of beauty to our Lord Jesus.
But this morning is when the loss of my vocal ability to sound beautiful....is now being accepted by me as what it is...to me. Another (very serious) loss. And I am grieving.
I hope I can still do the occasional karaoke song. I will have to see. I never do karaoke often as it is...usually just when I'm on a cruise so only once or twice every year or two. So I may truly stink the next time I try it. Which will be hard since I actually just won the "Pop Princess Karaoke" contest on my last cruise to Italy. But that was earlier this year.
Before the cracking and breaking and catches began. I will still sing in church congregations though quietly and maybe in whispers at times. And I will always make up my lyrics and put my prayers to song when talking with the Lord. Maybe. I might just start talking them out loud instead of singing them out loud if singing them starts to sound to painful to my own ears.
Goodness but pain is so much a part of life. And I don't think I am the best role model of christian joy in the midst of grief which...only causes me more pain.
But I am not 100% joyous over life without Mike. I still miss him soooooo much! And the loss of my Mom is still very hard. Yet here I am yesterday, reading of martyrs who gladly went to their deaths singing of the hope and joy they have in God and how life is nothing compared to that joy. And then there is me. Waking daily to the (and always seemingly fresh) realization...that Mike is gone. And recently too, that my Mom...is gone. And a cloak of sadness falls upon me. I throw off the covers, blow air out of my cheeks and get out bed while trying to throw off the coating of sadness in the same motion. But....I would love to not have this happen every morning. To wake up to just the joy of my salvation.
So this morning...same thing happened. I woke. Thought of Mike. Missed him and got up out of bed trying to throw off the sadness and marched to the shower. Tried to sing and bam.
The need to accept that I am losing the ability to sing beautifully was first on the list of my day evidently. Loss...again. Different kind. This loss is a poignant one to me. It's impact on me is one that needs to be noted...at least by me. For there is a definite impact. Though it may seem so very insignificant of a loss to others. Who may feel the fish were more deserving of grief. But for me... the loss of the ability to sing beautifully to my own ears...well...I guess you get the idea.
So moving on. Cause that's what you do in this life. There's already a new fish in the fishbowl. And someday, when I get to heaven...I will SING! Sing loudly, Sing exuberantly and...sing BEAUTIFULLY. To MY ears. For the lyrics are my gift and praise to my God. The beauteous sound they make to My ears ...have always been His gift to ME. One I will so love to get back again in heaven someday.
It wasn't about Kronk...our beta fish who jumped out of his bowl to his death yesterday. Though tears were shed. I really loved little Kronk and he'd been with us for close to 3 years. It hurt even more than the loss of Adolfo...Amie's carnival goldfish who defied all odds and lived close to 4 years and who was found belly up only a month ago. Maybe Kronk jumped trying to find Adolfo...as their bowls had been next to one another for years.
No...this loss wasn't about fish. And those tears were brief. They were fish.
And this loss is much more heartfelt. And to some...it may seem even more insignificant that losing Kronk and Adolfo. Yet to me...THIS new loss is searing. While it may seem insignificant to many...it is not to me. Today I accepted that I have lost a part of me that has been a balm to my soul, a salve to my hurts, and that has soothed me in my pain as a child and teenager, young adult, and grown woman.
I have always had, at least to my ears...a most beautiful singing voice. I regaled the neighbors from my swingset as a youngster. When I was a bit older, I dreamed of being a singer actress. Of course, I never told anyone. It was much less likely to bring ridicule if I persevered in my twin desire to become a nurse. But even when I auditioned for high school plays, there was in my heart the desire to have my talent confirmed. If it had been... I think I would've gone for it. But...I was only cast in the chorus for the musicals and never given a solo role. So.... living without the desired but unrequested confirmation of friends, family or drama teachers due to my fear of ridicule if I confided my dream to others...I graduated high school early and went on to become a nurse. Not a bad choice. But oh how much I still loved to sing.
And I have. In the shower. As lullabies to the girls. In church. I never had the time to commit to a church choir which is one reason I was always drawn to the churches where you could sing from the congregation. And compliments always flowed from those around me. I know I wasn't crazy that I could sing and sing well.
Even in college, my sorority sister asked if I would sing in her wedding. Karioke was always a hit for me...lots of compliments.
But it was in my singing to the Lord privately...whether in the car, in the house, walking along the beach or in the shower...where I would spill out to Him in songs I made up as I walked all my hurts, prayers, joys, thanks, sorrows. Just all my feelings. So often for the past 4 decades have they been sung to Him. It has been a huge part of our relationship.
To lose the ability to sing to Him beautifully... hurts. But over the past few weeks, I have noticed that age is catching up to my singing voice. There are catches. breaks. cracks. And this morning as I tried to sing....I also accepted. And sang to him with a myriad of cracks, breaks and catches my made-up-song of thanks for letting me have that gift for all the years that He had. And how much I had loved singing to Him with a voice that sounded beautiful to MY ears.
I know that my song sounds beautiful to HIS even when it is cracking, breaking and even should it be the equivalent of caterwauling to another mere human. For any praise and conversation with Him is a thing of beauty to our Lord Jesus.
But this morning is when the loss of my vocal ability to sound beautiful....is now being accepted by me as what it is...to me. Another (very serious) loss. And I am grieving.
I hope I can still do the occasional karaoke song. I will have to see. I never do karaoke often as it is...usually just when I'm on a cruise so only once or twice every year or two. So I may truly stink the next time I try it. Which will be hard since I actually just won the "Pop Princess Karaoke" contest on my last cruise to Italy. But that was earlier this year.
Before the cracking and breaking and catches began. I will still sing in church congregations though quietly and maybe in whispers at times. And I will always make up my lyrics and put my prayers to song when talking with the Lord. Maybe. I might just start talking them out loud instead of singing them out loud if singing them starts to sound to painful to my own ears.
Goodness but pain is so much a part of life. And I don't think I am the best role model of christian joy in the midst of grief which...only causes me more pain.
But I am not 100% joyous over life without Mike. I still miss him soooooo much! And the loss of my Mom is still very hard. Yet here I am yesterday, reading of martyrs who gladly went to their deaths singing of the hope and joy they have in God and how life is nothing compared to that joy. And then there is me. Waking daily to the (and always seemingly fresh) realization...that Mike is gone. And recently too, that my Mom...is gone. And a cloak of sadness falls upon me. I throw off the covers, blow air out of my cheeks and get out bed while trying to throw off the coating of sadness in the same motion. But....I would love to not have this happen every morning. To wake up to just the joy of my salvation.
So this morning...same thing happened. I woke. Thought of Mike. Missed him and got up out of bed trying to throw off the sadness and marched to the shower. Tried to sing and bam.
The need to accept that I am losing the ability to sing beautifully was first on the list of my day evidently. Loss...again. Different kind. This loss is a poignant one to me. It's impact on me is one that needs to be noted...at least by me. For there is a definite impact. Though it may seem so very insignificant of a loss to others. Who may feel the fish were more deserving of grief. But for me... the loss of the ability to sing beautifully to my own ears...well...I guess you get the idea.
So moving on. Cause that's what you do in this life. There's already a new fish in the fishbowl. And someday, when I get to heaven...I will SING! Sing loudly, Sing exuberantly and...sing BEAUTIFULLY. To MY ears. For the lyrics are my gift and praise to my God. The beauteous sound they make to My ears ...have always been His gift to ME. One I will so love to get back again in heaven someday.
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