You'd think I'd be so much further along. I think I should be so much further along. But it is still so dang awful to live a life that doesn't have Mike beside me. There really isn't an adjective so I have to settle for the not-even-close-to-describing-it phrase, "It sucks".
I have these "wham" episodes everyday which is when I'm trucking through whatever it is I'm doing not thinking about not having Mike, just about whatever it is I am about doing when...WHAM....it just hits me like this shot out of nowhere. The physical bash to the heart and a total awareness of how he isn't here and how much I MISS him. Ugh! So awful. And I'm completely unable to get the whams to stop because they don't seem to have a particular trigger.
When I'm not getting hit by wham moments, I have to shrug off constantly cobwebby mantles of sadness that keep drifting over me. They come when I drive and see the white cargo van (like the one Mike drove) or when I'm trying to do the "handyman" things around the house. I have been doing so many handyman things recently with my rentals too. Probably why discouragement and absence of joy has been winding it's way deeper into my life of late. And I feel bad too that the handyman times make me miss the..."convenience" (I guess is the word) that came from being married to Mike. Not just married....but married to Mike! He'd do anything I wanted and could fix anything that needed fixed. And as I do these repair needs myself or arrange for others to come to do them it just reverberates again and again inside me...the 'dang it Lord! Why! Why did you take him?!"
And the emotions I get aren't simple. They're not pure. Because I am dismayed at the same time that it isn't always the "him-ness" of Mike that I'm missing, but the "helpfulness" part of marriage to Mike.
The girls are gone now. Both of them. Living out of state. So it's just me. And the dog and cat and fish. And a ton of packing up and decision-making re: my rentals and such is part of the day to day life that is mine now. Pretty boring.
I must be battling depression right now to be wholly truthful. I'm tired. Tired of life without Mike. Tired of the busyness that has no warmth to it...just things checked off a To-Do-List.
I know I should try to diet and that I should do all my usual limbering up exercises. Tai Chi. Stretch. Take the dog for long walks. You know. Everything a 56 year old woman should do if she wants to remain in shape and limber heading into the 60's on up. But my ergometer bike sits untouched, my regular bike sits waiting for me to take it out. My pool membership gets paid each month and I haven't gone in months. I know I should do planks and sit ups... and I don't.
Of course I rationalize the non-use and non-activity daily. There's too much traffic to bike ride the street right now...the city needs to create better bike paths and now the city won't let bikes in the parks so...where would I ride that doesn't mean going down unsafe streets? Or having to actually put the bike on a bike rack and drive there? As for taking the dog for long walks..I don't like to walk just to "walk". I am busy and I require a destination that is of use to me and my to-do-list. But the destinations I could walk to with the dog won't allow dogs inside. Such as the grocery store or post office. I can't leave him outside...he'd bark continuously in utter distress if I did so. Pet Smart would let him in...but that's a drive and not on my to- do-list. Always a reason not to do what I should do. The ergometer bike is by the TV I don't watch. The pool is..... too far and I have to drive and check in and change and...well whatever ...I don't want to go. Usually the reason that shuts all the "should o's down" is the excuse "I have too much to do here".
Because it's so true.
I have to pack up my entire house and move it downstairs to the first floor duplex. I have to move a tree from the first floor courtyard to the front tree lawn. But this all must be done in stages...because I'm waiting still for Mikes parents to move out of the first floor duplex before I can start putting boxes and furnishings down there. Nor do I want to uproot the tree in "their" courtyard till they've moved so that they don't feel "pushed out" . Which is reasonable...they've paid rent till the end of the month. But reasonable in one part still means inconvenient in another. But it's the same with all three of the homes that I have with renters moving out within the next 30 days. Two other tenants of mine are also due to move out, these homes will need to be cleaned and I have to advertise and get new tenants...and do the same with my second floor duplex as well. So I'm a bit stressed with this need to get "in there" and start changing/selling/moving the furnishings to make these four units either unfurnished, "less"-furnished or "re"-furnished. Having to wait till each is actually "out" only makes figuring out what to do/exchange/keep/sell of the myriad of furnishings within them...frustratingly difficult. Because all the "out" dates differ by a week or two.
Lastly...on my stressometer...is the Manor. Still being rented out short-term means it requires lots of time and effort on my part to keep it clean and rented (just fired another housekeeper...so inadequate are they which means I need to go over there today and clean it). I'm tired of the amount of work. So, I'm also trying to sell the Manor too. (Sigh....). I'm already tired just typing up all this.
All of the THIS of what I just typed provides Satan lots of fodder to use as he whispers and I rationalize why I'm too busy to do anything fun with friends or athletic. And yet I could. I could call my girlfriends and try to set up some coffee or lunch meets or even, if any of them had a bike...go biking. But I don't. They all have jobs and husbands or still homeschooling their kids. Irregardless...they're busy. I'm sure they'd make time for me. But...then I look at my to-do list and realize I have too much to do already.
Yep...stress and depression are definitely my bedfellows of late. I know what I need, even as I type this the answer is looming in large print. I need to get tighter with the Lord. He is where the truest joy comes from.
I know this. But, like the unused ergometer bike and dusty mountain bike and the pool several miles down the road from me that I'm not swimming in....it's easier to turn on the TV to the mindless sitcoms or dance competitions or whatever. And the Holy Spirit (yes...He's real. He's inside me. I know Him) nudges me to stop and....I don't. So now, I'm totally crying over how I am not even doing being His child right. Intellectually...I know He still loves me, adores me, and my failure to draw close to Him daily he understands. But, that does not make not doing so...okay. Yet the worst lies that Satan (yes, again for all my family and friends who think this name is melodramatic...Satan also is quite real)...keeps whispering to me all his usual lies. That it is not a problem that I am ignoring the nudges because it isn't the Holy Spirit. Or the lie that Jesus is actually fine with me not obeying right now....cause He knows I just need to rest. And the attack lies... which come after I listen to the first two. That I really am not worth much...and fail God continually.. etcetera etcetera.
But this morning...oh this morning! Satan came up with one that was new. And crushed me. Literally smushed my already battered heart. Even while the Holy Spirit within me was also shouting out "it's not true". And it isn't true. But boy...this new lie a few minutes ago was the worst one ever.
This morning, I decided that the shower door in my bathroom opens the wrong way. It allows water to spew out onto the tile floor when you open the door to get in or out if the water's turned on. Which shouldn't happen. So, being me, and knowing I'll have renters in here soon who may not care if they wet the tile and damage (over time) the molding and such if they let water get out of the shower consistently....I decide the shower door needs to open "the other way".
I examined the screws and holders of the door, found my screwdrivers, unscrewed them, flipped the door over, lost a screw, located a replacement screw, rescrewed them and wallah...it didn't work.
Evidently, I'd have to change /switch out the entire moldings of the shower stall itself to get this idea to work. So...I put everything back the way it was originally and said to heck with taking a shower this morning. I'm clean enough.
After it was all over...the wham came. And other assorted thoughts followed. That, because Mike's Dad was in charge of the first and second floor duplexes when we restored the Manor and these back in 2001, Mike never asked me where I'd even want the shower to go in this bathroom ...much less the direction of the door opening. And thoughts of how if Mike, if he was still alive, would just put it a totally new shower for me. That was how he was...so sweet. He'd do anything for me really. IF he was still here. And then came the thought.... "But, he's not here!" "because Mike was such a darn great, good guy! So much so that he didn't deserve to remain on earth with all its issues and problems but got heaven early!" These thoughts were immediately followed by Satans whisper...."I may NOT get to see Mike again...after all! Cause I'm so NOT good and intrinsically wonderful and worthy of heaven early. Maybe.... not heaven at all! Maybe I'd end up in the group who can't understand....are mystified...are deceived. The ones who shout out
"But Lord...did I not do this or that or that or this in your name? " And the Lord turns to them and says..."Depart from you you who practice lawlessness. I never knew you".
Daggers! So many of them! The longest and most serrated-edged being the ones that told me my hope of seeing Mike again may never be...not because Heaven doesn't exist and Mike isn't there...but because I wouldn't be considered worthy enough to enter and get to be with Mike again! Other daggers were tainted with fear. Could it be true? First off...I'm saddest at the idea of not seeing MIKE! Not about not seeing Jesus. Right there...major FAIL!!! And Satan's whispers and daggers fly faster and faster.... "I fail so miserably and so often at being and doing what the Lord desires and asks of me!"
So.... here I am. Crying as I type. Glad that I hurled the words, "It's not true!" "That is not true" to Satan after he bombarded me with his accusations this morning. Glad I know the bible enough to know the scriptures that tell me I am God's child and firmly held in His hand. Knowing too though that maybe it's because He asks through printed pages on a book written so long ago or by nudges too easily rationalized away or ignored... that I find myself disobeying. I will argue I'd be much better at obeying if it was an audible voice coming out of a burning bush! But it's not a viable excuse. I know the Holy Spirits' nudges to be Him. I am left bereft of excuses... bottom line.
I know to prevent these depression cobwebs from staying and finding hold on me, that I need to truly focus on Him. On Jesus. On His Words. Not on silly sitcoms and Television shows. Or fictional reading of magazines and books. But I have to integrate that focus into the busyness of my life right now. That's the only way to find the joy again that is in this life. It's not in finding a guy to replace Mike. It's not in any body. It's inside of me that I need to work and find it...by focusing upon God's words and His Purity and Presence. So..... hmmmm. Maybe I should go get the cable TV just cancelled. And listen just to my audio bible cd's and christian cd's. Not sure what I will do. Just sure that I need to do something different than I've been doing. Because I'd like to be much further along in this journey through grief and through life...than I am right now.
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