Hey Mister Man.... Happy Birthday! Wow...58! Such an old man you are now. Pretty lucky guy though...having such a younger-than-you wife! Yep...I always enjoyed those two months out of every year when I was younger than you! I never wanted to be a "cougar" so ...glad you were the one ahead of me in the nursery that year.
But Mike, what are you...age-wise I mean...really...now? I mean...in heaven? Hmmm. I wonder.
I bet that you look like you did when I met you. What a hunky and young guy you were. Still "not my type" or at least that is what I thought when I met you. I still remember the very first time I laid eyes on you...shy and obviously uncomfortable...the friend of Joey. I immediately just wanted to put you at ease. Didn't realize I was meeting my best friend. We had so MUCH fun those first years I knew you...even before the romance happened. But then...a few years go by and it was amazing..how much you grew on my heart! Such a mans' man too. Without "trying to be". None of that machoistic garbage. You just were... such a man. Loved that. Well...also you know how I also loved your muscles! I mean gosh Mike! So dang strong you were. They still give me goosebumps just thinking about those biceps. Such strength and sweetness all in one shy and manly package. Crazy to realize......You weren't at all who I thought I was looking for. Just everything I needed....and was so lucky, so super very very lucky...to get!
I miss you. Especially the laughing. Gosh Mike...you always made me laugh. So MUCH fun did we have just in sparring and teasing each other. I doubt we went an entire day where we didn't make each other smile or laugh at least once. None of that slapstick, buffoon stuff...nope...and dry but not too dry either. You were king of the absolutely perfectly timed and worded...zinger observation that would leave me in stitches. Even though I sometimes provided the fodder for them. And why not? Because even if the zinger is aimed at me...one should appreciate the aptness and zinger-worthiness...of a truly perfect zinger! :). Such fun!
But...Mike...just so you realize...I'm not in major doldrums. I do laugh... without you. I can even guffaw. But the humor isn't the same "type" and there's not a shared-ness about it.
Hey...did you know (cause I don't know exactly what you do/don't know of life on this side moment by moment) but...I met 2 guys who were also wondering if there was another person they could be romantic-ish with... in this life. But, while both were nice...neither seemed to possess a great sense of humor. Though..I only met each once. Still...you'd think I'd have noted it don't you? If it was there? So...while very nice...no chemistry. Sad. So neither seem to be worth my while really. And my while is precious. I value my while very much since you've been gone. I realize how quickly time can pass and also... end. And that my while/time can be oh so very easily wasted. Yep. Waiting in lines, doing the silly little daily tasks and cleanings that need done but in the grand scheme of thing...such precious moments...totally wasted.
Moments far better spent in relationship. With people. Doing things for people. Because that's what matters. The relationship moments. I know that. Though, I have to admit, that my time alone as I am right now, curled up with Giz next to me while I type this letter to you....are very enjoyed and precious moments too. But I'm spending them, in a sense, with you...and with God..and Giz. So still in relationship. Plus....this is the best time...because rain is pouring down outside!
Hmmm. So...where am I now in my walk with our God. You're doing your walk the best! The walk we all long for is yours right now. But for me... I live my days usually in a relatively serene manner I guess. I'm not unhappy so it must be a form of peace. And...when life gets is rocky and stress spews out due to repairs or Mom-hood stuff or money stuff etc......Jesus will douse me with His grace and strength. So I get hosed down with that periodically as I trudge through my days without you.
I'm just glad that the huge gulf that had opened up between me and God during the months and even years that followed your memorial service as the initial shock and denial finally wore itself off....is so much narrower! Not gone. But neither as deep nor as wide as it used to be. It is bizarre though in that the edges separating the gulf undulate some...so that there's times when I feel I could jump the gap easily....and be in His lap...and other times when it seems like a carnival ride that just swerved me to the left or the right and the gap yawned wide again....only to have it spin me back the other direction and wallah...it's back to being a tiny rift and not a huge canyon. The one thing that remains huge for me is my desire to draw nearer to Him and re-establish the closeness we'd had before.....you got sick. Actually surpassing my before-you-died-closeness with God remains my goal. I shall continue to chase my God down....because it's the only thing every person should be doing. If these chases are repetitive in life...like a relay race full of heats and semi-finals and finals...(which is what it feels like to me)...then I want to be in the group of "firsts" to reach the goal (sitting in God's lap) every heat, every semifinal run, to the very last one! I don't ever want to be in the "lasts" group. (Hahah....I know you'll easily figure out what bible verse I'm referencing with that...or will you ? :)
It's still raining outside with occasional bursts of lightening. I'm propped up with pillows in my "new" bed that I got after you died (gosh...you would've liked it. It's a tempurpedic). You would like this room too. So strange is it to live in the house we restored over a decade ago...yet now reside in a part "we" were often inside of, but that wasn't "our" home. And now is. And...I've changed it up a good bit too so it feels like a part of our home we were never in before and yet still were. Sigh...only you and the girls and grandma and grandpa will understand how that all fits together and makes sense.
But...here I am in my "new" home and my "newly-created" bedroom (I turned the one bedroom duplex downstairs from us into a two bedroom duplex) typing away and have only to look up to find your framed face. Your face is ...well...in several places in this room! All staring back with those eyes of yours that are so darn kind! Eyes are the windows to the soul...and your eyes are so kind Mikey. So very kind.
Whoa...some serious lightening there! Hurricane Hermine is getting stronger outside. I do love storms! Anyways, I digress.
Back to my room ...which would've been ours. I used lots of light and friendly colors when I decorated it. It's a happy room. I was quite deliberate in making it that way too. It's my escape place. So while the rest of the house has an ambience and decor that says... "well, hello.....Yes this IS a lovely and quite beautiful "historic" home, don't you agree?"
My bedroom doesn't say anything by "hi!". It is simply bright and friendly. Not modern. Not historic. Just...cheerful. And here's the best part Mike.....when I designed the construction of the second bedroom...eg: mine...I designed it it so that it would incorporate the second set of existing french doors and...then enlarged the deck and put the hot tub out there so that my bedroom french doors open directly onto the deck with the hot tub! Ahhhhhhhh. The relaxation seeps into my pores! "Dang!" "Awww hon!!" Blow out air from cheeks)...here it is again. One of those wham, out of the blue knife-like stabbing pains to the heart that accompanies the rapid-fire thought that flashed through my brain just now...."we coulda had some romantic times in this bedroom".
Okay Suz... Take a deep breath. Shake off the pain. Okay. Breathing normal again.
But...dang Mikey! No wonder that just happened. Think about it.... Girls gone. Hot Tub next to bedroom. Enclosed...and "almost" 100% private. (Sigh and corners of my lips turn down). Dang Mike. I look at the clock....two hours till your birthday starts. And I would've been able to make your birthday ....memorable. (corners of lips turn up) :). So...."you're missing out Mister!"
Okay, okay! Yes I know. It's true. You still win the better end of 'any' stick being on that side of heaven. Sigh. Dang! This side is hard.
You know what else I wonder Mike...do you "miss" us? I know you probably get to (at least sometimes maybe?) see what is up with us? But can you even miss us the same way we miss you when you KNOW the things you are now privy to about our lives and the how it all works together for good and His best for us and what lies ahead etcetera etcetera? Plus..there is that time difference variable too. Time is so distorted on earth. Yet in heaven... you not only recognize but actually experience that time is just a blink of an eye really...so you know that while you're away from us in YOUR side of heaven...does that make it easier for you to not miss us and be crying your eyes out over not having us? Because it says there are no tears in heaven.
But I can tell you this Mister Man...it is definitely not a blink on our side of heaven! We Miss....you. Beyond words. It's been almost 3 years Mikey. Sept 25. 10:22 pm. Ugh!!!!
I have to tell people who ask.... what did he die of? Cancer. It was four months from diagnosis to death. My gosh what happened in four short months. You so changed physically...yet your eyes...remained the exact same. <3 Your hair went, your color became so pale with the anemia, you lost so much weight along with your straight spine and all your muscle....but your eyes.... shone! Always! They shined with all of the YOU-ness that we loved. And I think that is why some of the photos where you look...so different and with the cancer so evident...still remain some of my fave photos. Because of your eyes. My absolute favorite are the ones at the ECU game.. only a couple weeks before you died but where you were so near death and we had to rush you to the ER right after. Gosh Michael....you really are so beyond words a truly wonderful man. Sniffles and tears start up.
You know Amie literally hates the month of September. I mean..honestly hates it! Dreads it really to the point that she feels quite stressed even in the weeks leading up to it.... because she is thinking about it. September...both your birthday and your death. Yep...it's a toughie.
Oh ...I know this is a tangent but ..I don't know how prayers from you work in a heavenly realm... but... ask Jesus to wrap up Amie super wonderfully right now with His love and grace! naturally I want the same for Katie too, of course, ...and Moi! Always! ) But.... have Him throw extra love over Amie.... and over Wes. Amie is dealing with both her dread of September AND....
Well, I know you know...and you've more than likely even been hanging with him for the past few weeks in heaven but....even so...I have to tell you that... Wes's Dad, Wayne....killed himself a few weeks ago. Knock him upside the head would you! (Not knock him out but you know..a good friendly but full of meaning slap to the side of his head...for me). Suicide?! Wayne...Suicide!?
Oh...knock him again hon...actually harder this time! I mean really!!!!
I am so glad Mr. Wayne is there, in heaven, with you. And I'm also happy you two knew each other before he, and you, died. But Mike! His suicide is utterly Tragic. He left no note. While knowing he truly loved the Lord and truly KNEW the Lord...is comforting. It still makes his choice to end his life (even though we blame the depression) difficult to believe, understand, and truly...simply killer hard for Amie and for Wes and his Mom. Even for me...it leaves a serious mark on my emotions! And I hurt to for our lovely young daughter who viewed him as the Dad she would be having and grandad of her someday kids. So I'm left with my mouth hanging open and a sense of shock. Blown away...and so so so saddened. And sorry. But Amie. My sweet Amie...has lost not just a friend and "second Dad-to-be"but all the pictures of what her life would look like down the road once she and Wes were married... are in complete disarray and torn. And Wes! Joanne! Miss Jane (Waynes Mom)......oh Mikey...so hard it is knowing the pain and loneliness they are about to experience after the shock wears off. I want them just to remain forever in shock and denial. Pain doesn't really penetrate....there...everything remains in the surreal state. It's the least painful place and the one with the shortest duration. (corners of mouth go way down..tears start up).
I'm glad that you didn't want to die, or try to die...at all. THANK YOU FOR THAT! You wanted so to fight...and to win. So slap Mr. Wayne up the side of the head for me...again. I know it won't knock sense into him or change anything. But still...it'll make me feel better to know that someone actually showed him that.... while being forgiven by God is awesome, undeserved, and beyond beautiful... that doesn't change the fact that choosing suicide has been the cause of the most searing, awful, raw, horrendous PAIN to all those he loved. It's different too for them to deal with what was still...despite the depression...ultimately a choice. Not a circumstance such as what happened to you. Although...the depression he suffered from makes him a victim too. It's all been so hard around here lately Mike. Oh yeah...and you Dad...had open heart surgery! 84 years young! And did great! So that got to be thrown into the suicide, wedding planning, Aunt dying (mine, not yours) and brother getting married couple of weeks that just passed. Cause did I tell you my life...is FUN? lol.
Well...it's getting closer to your birthday Mister! 58. What would I have done for your birthday...besides the hot tub. (laugh and smile starts again. Then...forehead creases). I regret so much hon. I wish we'd had better closure before you died. I wish I had bought you more expensive and thoughtful birthday and christmas and valentines day and dad's day gifts all those years. I wish I had cooked you more often the types of food YOU wanted. I wish I'd lit candles when we ate our meals. I wish I'd watched more of the TV shows you wanted to...instead of leaving you to watch them alone while I went to the "other" TV. I wish we hadn't argued so much over beer the last few years. Even more... I wish you had just remained a non-drinker. That would've solved quite a few of these regrets....because I wish your Dad hadn't been so eager to have you as his "drinking buddy" which only increased the beer mess. That chapter was just...really difficult and hard for me and the girls to navigate with you. Not a favorite for sure. But I regret handling it the way I sometimes did...maybe I could've handled it better or differently. And whats so ironic is that...now...since the girls are finally out of the house...it wouldn't even be that much of an issue...well, okay maybe a little issue... but not like it had been when the girls were still living with us. Yep. the timing sure was off on that one, huh hon.
But mostly Michael....I regret not using the small amount of time I had left with you better. I hated and regret so much that I had to keep working, keep taking reservations, keep nursing, keep mothering, keep bill-paying...keep handling...all while the most precious moments left of your life...went slipping through our fingers.
I know none of this is new news to you. I've bemoaned the lack of time together...quantity and quality....ever since you died. And I've beaten the fact that I was hurt that you insisted on "wasting" the precious moments I so wanted the girls and I to share with you...by insisting upon working 6 days a week...right up till the time you found out unexpectedly that ...you had only days left on this earth. (I do treasure that the night before that piece of news fell upon us though that you truly did make the decision to quit entirely and just...be with us. Really treasure that night so dearly. The morning after...when your gallbladder kicked in, essentially kicking the bucket of life out from under you,...that day not so much.
And I still cringe that even when I KNEW you had days left...I still wasn't able to stop life from crowding in upon my time with you. Interrupting it. Again and again. Never was a moment that last week when you weren't exhausted or in pain or surrounded by people to allow us to just be "us" one last time. I lost my "while" ...."my" "time" with you. And that remains the most mountainous of all the regrets. And the most painful one.
But...regrets are to be let go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto them. What we coulda, shoulda, woulda changed in retrospect are moot points.
What I can tell you Mike.... is that I'm doing better. It's taken 2 years, 11 months and 2 days but I am so much better than I was. The scabs are off. The rawness is gone. It's just scars and globs of hardened glue that now hold all these slivered pieces of my heart together. Actually...It's good as far as pain goes to have this type of heart. It hurts less. But..I wonder. I can picture my heart like a piece of dense, fibrous steak. I think God wants it back looking like a tender moist piece of filet mignon. So....I guess that is what will happen over the coming years....it will soften. The glue will absorb. The scars should lighten and even fade some. But...I don't know if the actual pump will ever pump again appropriately....with that much scarring. Sorry doll...I know. I'm getting too medical in my analogies aren't I. Well....for now, scarred and glued together as it may be, I am better. Painful realizations that you are not here...and how I miss you...still slosh in and out of my mind daily. But while it hurts.... it doesn't kill. So yay for me!!!!!
You won't mind me being honest with you Mikey that I actually think sometimes about meeting a man to spend the rest of my life with. One who'd be fun and funny and godly. Not perfect....that would be awful. But one who truly did love Jesus and who tried to do as Jesus would have him do....even if he failed. It would be like riding a bike...get back up and try again. Basically that describes you. And me. Except I fall off my bike waaaaay more often and get banged up a whole lot more :). And a masculine guy, strong...again...like you. Hrumpf. (I think that's a word to describe a disbelieving snort). Yep...that kind of guy is so out there just waiting for a 56 year old gal like me! Hrumpf (again! ). lol. Besides....honey how does one find both that and a man who shares a 1st century godliness desire while living in a 21st century world. Hrumpf x 10! Oh well. That can go on a back burner anyways cause I still need to get my walk with Jesus right.
What else is going on with me in the 2 years, 11 months you've been gone? Well....I do think about where I might want to retire...or at least...move to and live. You know how we talked about not staying in Savannah? But I'm just not sure where I want to go. Hmmmm.....ideas bounce around daily. Do I.... do a mission thing or lots of little mission things or a long-term mission thing? Should I move to ecuador or peru and become an expatriate? Or do I search out my "stars hollow" small town and buy a cute little house there so I can live out my days in sweet "everyone-knows-you-by-name"-ville? Then too...the girls are gonna get married...I hear grandkids are awesome. So should I plan to move closer to where I might have grandkids? Would that mean I stay in Savannah? Maybe so...but should I buy another home elsewhere to vacation and still keep this one? I just don't know. Right now I'm trying to sell the house next door....so that I could buy something else...or maybe rent something else since who knows whether I'll even make a profit what with capital gains and such!
But Mike...there are two things I want in my future. I would like to serve the Lord and be of help to people in a way so that my being left on this side of heaven actually makes a difference. A good difference ....in the life of other people. and is what He would be happy to see me do with the life He gave me. And I would like to have fun in my life again. Not just adventure and travel (though I love those things). But..actually experience "fun". Because I do not feel like my life is fun at all since you died. Even though I've gone here, there, and everywhere and done lots of what the world would consider "fun things". Maybe because the daily doses of laughter are gone without you.
I am seeking after joy and it's sister... contentment. Those I know I have with God. With Jesus. And it's a beautiful feeling to float in a quiet joy and contented state. I see why Paul loved it. And it can be in the midst of yuck that you can have that. I know this... because I lived in that state before...in my early 20's after I first gave my heart to Jesus. But...it's still a different emotion from "fun". It's quieter, smoother. Less of a spike. I'm not talking happiness...that's nice too but joy is better. Nope...I'm talking about the experience of "having fun in life". Maybe it's because the repairs and such have become such drudgery the past few months...and so intense. And I haven't done anything adventurous like white water rafting or even riding my bike much in months and stuff. So...maybe that is why. But Mike...it's hard to "want" to do those things single. So maybe that is the problem. I guess I have months ahead of me where I can really start to analyze what I have to do to put the "fun" quotient back into my life without a person in my life that shares the experiences with me...this latter thing of which is a variable essential to the fun equation I think. Hmmm. Did I lose you in my tangential thought processes just now? Okay...hope not. But I will move on :). God understood.
Lastly Mikey...Katie is getting married. Gosh...how I imagined what that would be like for us. It involved laying in bed and sharing with you all the ideas and plans and telling you what we bought or she bought and all that stuff. Even maybe arguing or at least mutually agreeing upon cost restrictions for this and for that part.
Oh dang! Again...just typing this out brings on the knifelike stabs to my heart. Owww! Gosh but I hate these! Breathe deep. Okay..brush them off. Moving on. Take another deep breath Suzie...and continue.
So...
Katie wants to walk herself down the aisle. Which is okay with me. But a bit painful to watch will it be. But then, it would be painful if she had someone else walk her down too. And I don't want to walk her down nor does she want me to do so. It's a rock and a hard place really. My dad had been gone for 8 years when I married you so it was hard but not terrible to have my brother walk me down. But Mikey...it's not even 3 years yet and she has to decide this. And it's not just the walking her down the aisle...it's the whole shibang that comes with weddings. The father daughter dance, the toast. It will all will be hard Mike. For all of us but...that day especially...on Katie.
It's so weird...the parallels in what they're going through and what I went through at their ages. You never even got to meet my Dad. :(. He would've love d you and...oh... Hey...say Hi and hug him now for me! I'm sure you've had some fun and eye-opening talks in the past 3 years alone :). And it's the same thought that Katie shares about Jeff. And again..you would've loved him. He reminds me of you in some ways. And you two would've been great together...he fishes, he camps, he loves sports, he talks football, he drinks beer (but not excessively). You would've meshed well. And he meshes great with Wes too! Even though Wes's interests aren't really those so much....again...just like YOU. You would've meshed great with both guys our girls have their hearts tied to....and Amie is beyond thankful that you truly knew Wesley. That means a lot to her. And to him too. But our Katie will be very happy. Downside to all the wedding and engagement hoopla is the move to....Michigan...ugh! Hoping it wears on them quickly and they decide to more back to the warmth of non-Michigan soon. We'll see. Life is never what you plan half the time so who knows. I never thought I'd be living in Georgia!
Well...that's probably enough for now. Happy Birthday in heaven Mister Man. I love you dearly. I will work tomorrow and miss out on most of this hurricane busily passing us by (other than to run through it from the parking lot to the hospital tomorrow). I'm figuring that working will keep me occupied and help me get through the day. Was it only last year...I was in an Orlando hospital getting Amie discharged from her 5 day stay with pneumonia on your birthday? Birthday escapism trips became so common after you went to heaven...I know I spent mine in Jamaica with Katie last year. But this year...the girls are healthy so no hospitals...and one will be married...so no Jamaica. Hmmmm. Amie? I wonder what she might be up for come November? But for you day, I shall bury my head in work at the hospital. Amie will be busy performing in her show at Dollywood. And Katie is on a plane for a visit to Jeff and his family in...yep...Michigan tomorrow!
So we've planned out our busyness...deliberately.
But....it won't matter. Each of us will be thinking of you.... today. Yep...the clock right now says it's midnight as I type. Finally... NOW it IS your birthday Mister Man. Catch this kiss! So here's our gifts to you...(the air kiss was a perk :)...
Katie will be remembering you as clouds and the heavens go by her window. Amie will stop and cherish a memory backstage between shows at Dollywood and all night afterwards. And I have written what is a massively long sorta (?) love letter to you. And...I'm going to go to sleep now. But! When I wake up and I look at the calendar on my wall next to the bed, I will see the date that has always been and will always be...irregardless of heaven or earth...your birthday. I will remember so much of you. And will try not to have my heart fall back into pieces.
Which means really that there's nothing new with tomorrow...not really.
My Michael. I love you to the moon and back a gazillion, trillion times Mr. Man.
With All My Love, Weasel
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