Loneliness is definitely becoming my bedfellow more than it has in the past 2 1/2 years since Mike died. You know it's sad really. Initially...since both the girls graduated from College the May following his death..which was only 8 months later...I knew that I would be entering the "empty nest" stage of life.
And I knew it would be awful without having Mike there with me. We had such plans. It wasn't going to be a time of sadness at all. It was going to be a time of freedom and rediscovering our joy in the company of each other.
I told him for so many years...since for so many many years my life was wrapped up quite fully with the girls...that "his time was coming". And I believed it too. I just needed him to let me have "this time" with them because I knew it would be fleeting. All too soon they'd be moved out and gone.
Maybe part of the focus and fervor I had about having "only these few years left with the girls" came from myself moving clear across the country after I married Mike. When I did that...I hardly got to see my family again really. I didn't think the cost of airplane tickets and such would turn out to be as prohibitive as it became in reality back when I was starry eyed and fairly ignorant of the cost that would be borne in raising a family. And the work commitments and pull of other commitments as well all combined to make my trips out to California to see my family few and far between. Of course phone calls became a bridge. And I did get out...but ofttimes more than not...just me. Not all four. Cost... you know.
So I just really wanted to treasure up the years I had with the girls before they began "their lives" apart from me and Mike. And I knew the time Mike and I would "then" have would be so much fun! I imagined him finally getting the harley of his dreams and hopping on the back of it (I even told him to get a high back so that I wouldn't go flying off into the road :) and we'd go to this festival or that one. Fish. Talk. Mike and I talked well together...so much fun were our conversations. Lighthearted teasing was our mainstay. And...when the raising of my daughters or another emotional turmoil with work or whatever would be bothering me....he was my bud. My guy. The one I could go to and confide in and cry to and he'd always be there... on my side and just...there. For me.
After Mike died... Katie got her post college job and moved to Tennessee. And the emptying began. Amie didn't move permanently though...anywhere. She kept moving "temporarily" to other states. First to Florida with her Disney internships. Then to her theater job in Kentucky. Now in Pigeon Forge at Dollywood.
The sadly ironic thing in all this ... as I sit hear with tears slipping down my cheeks because being all by myself in a home without Mike or the girls...is terribly sad really...is that, I actually thought sometimes I'd like to find out what being "finally" by myself without either of the girls living at home anymore...would be like! Cause I'm an idiot. Or at least I recognize now my idiocy.
I kinda wanted to just "get on with it". Figure it out. Find out how it really would be. And now...I have. And it's pretty awful really. Not fun. Very sad. Lonely.
I only left Tennessee and both the girls earlier today after a weekend of laughter and hugs and a thorough interrogation to find out "how did he pop the question?" Katie is engaged! So happy. My heart has been rift with rivers of happy and sadness all weekend long. Because that remains the position of my heart ever since Mike died when it comes to the girls.....is that teeter-totter of happy mixed with sad emotions. The bitter with the sweet. Simply because it's the not being able to share the happy (with Mike) that immediately intersperses into the happy....the rivers of sad. But...at least I am no longer drowning in sad. It's just rivulets that run through the images and scenes of my life...like rain rivulets on the car window. I'm so happy that she found the man God designed for her. And Amie and I had such fun pulling every single part of the proposal out of Katie and Jeff...as well as touring wedding boutiques and laughingly having her try on a veil and such. A weekend with memories and laughter I will treasure. But then...to come home and not have Mike to tell about it, or to share it with... (blow air out. stop typing. sigh again..resume typing).
I just finished 2 pints of ice cream. Now I don't want to eat ice cream again ever. I think I just made myself sick with it. And I am watching the Colin Firth "Pride and Prejudice" DVD on my TV. Not my best idea.
I need to do something. I'm not sure what though. It's not like I haven't been crazy busy doing tons of things since April this year. And here it is only July. I moved downstairs to the first floor duplex apartment, carpeted the second floor duplex, sold and moved all the furnishings between that duplex and the Cottage, had construction to create a second bedroom in the first floor duplex I moved into, enlarged and had built an enclave for the hot tub which I moved from one property to this one, repaired outlets, air conditioners, floors, fountains, phone lines, cable lines, toilets, washing machines, dryers...repairs and more repairs. I painted decks, walls, ceilings, exteriors, interiors...ugh...SO MUCH PAINTING! Plus I advertised and obtained two new tenants for two properties, am STILL trying to get a tenant for a third, placed another property for sale with a listing agent, fired said agent, took it off the market and now switching to another realtor and preparing to relist it, continued to run the other property as a short term vacation rental with the constant cleaning, spritzing, re-cleaning, re-spritzing. Sigh. I applied for and changed over to another boss/job at the hospital to get more ICU/CCU time in (only to find I haven't had anytime to spare to work more than the few part time hours I'm required to give to them) and even applied to some travel nurse agencies (yep, considering doing that again)...etcetera. I really am exhausted in many ways and have been sooooo busy that even though I have had lonely periods...they've been squeezed in. They didn't seem to streeeeettttttccccchhhhh out. They took place in between Amie being here and gone again and here again. Its not been like this....like what it is now.
Now... the empty nesting has actually happened. And because all the above chaotic-ness of the past several months is now done...I'm noticing that it arrived. For real. For painfully sadly real.
My friends are great. But....they have husbands. Some still have kids at home. No other by-themselves-widows to call on for coffee. And I really miss romance. I'd have a friend. But no romance. No heart song. Mike was my best friend and my romance. Not just one but both. And romance doesn't always mean physical...it was the "being loved". The physical was great too. But "being loved" and knowing you are....by a man who is your best friend and intimate....it is gone. And it is a tremendous thing to lose. And to know...it's gone. What I miss is not replaceable by a fellow widow or even beloved friends or daughters.
I wonder about how others have done it....this loneliness and being alone. Before, when I was single and in my 20's....I lived alone. And wondered at times if I would "ever meet" Mr. Right and not be alone. But...when you are young and in your 20's wondering if you will meet the guy you'll marry....you hope you will. You dream you will. It's different being 56 and figuring that you aren't gonna meet another Mr. Right. All the single men my age are just plain old....I mean OLD! It's weird cause Mike and I were the same age so our wrinkles were being developed at the same time. Which means....I never really looked at Mike as old. Old and wrinkled guys...not attractive. Neither I'm sure is old and wrinkling moi. But hey.....I didnt expect to have to be attractive. I expected to be enjoyed and beloved by my husband like a well worn and beloved tee shirt. Wrinkles and all...wouldn't matter.
I look at my sis and other women who've been alone for years...but it's been because of divorce. And I know there may be men out there who are single and they're either never married...which makes you immediately shy away or ....divorced. Which also makes me just sadly shake my head and realize...that aint gonna fly either. Because it isn't anything like widowness.....and christian-wise....not even a pool to dip a toe into for me. So...
I shall be alone. And it sucks.
And it's sad.
I run to Jesus all the time. I'm glad He's there to run to...but it often feels very empty. Which means....I must not have my relationship with Him down the way it should be. So...that is where I will focus my energy. Getting it back into a state where the joy is in THAT. Since...as I sit here in front of a laptop with part 2 of Pride and Prejudice waiting for me to hit the "play" button on the remote....is probably my best bet for finding some joy. And I want to travel some more...even though that can be a two-edged sword of pain too.
I probably need to book a singles cruise....I love to cruise. Love to travel. See new places. And I've done it too...without Mike...and had the pain of doing it all...WITHOUT Mike. There is no getting away from pain it seems.
Watching your daughter as she glows showing off her engagement ring.... tenderly and yet painfully...wonderful. Watching another daughter performing on stage....and unable to share smiles across the seat with the Dad who was the Prince Charming to her Cinderella at her birthday party so log ago....sets off all the familiar and commonplace pangs to the heart. Again. And again. And...again. They just never go away!!!! The worst part of being without Mike is when I just want to cry on my best friends strong, hairy chest... because being a Mom is hard....still. 26 years later and I continue to not get it Motherhood right all the time.
I screw up and say the wrong thing hurting the girls feelings or...get my feelings squashed by them...still. Mom-hood remains challenging a lot of the time still. Never easy.... I am simply not the wisest and gentlest and most biblically-wonderfully-always-get-it-right Mom. (More sniffles). And I don't have Mikes' strong, wonderfully masculine chest to fall upon and splash all my hurt and tears upon. And..... Gizmo doesn't really work like Mike did.
I am also sick. Enroute home from Tennessee I didn't go straight home. Instead, I went straight to the Dr's office upon my arrival to Savannah this afternoon. Because throughout the wedding dress boutiques, dining and dollywood....was me fighting with a developing and fairly brutal bronchitis. I kept lysol and hand sanitizing myself, Amie and Katie along with Katie's apartment and the cars to death! So didn't want to give this to the girls!
Probably being sick plus watching Pride and Prejudice plus overdosing on Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream is behind this post being as maudlin and sad as it is. That would be good. It means tomorrow is bound to be a better day because antibiotics should kick in and the DVD will be over and there shall be no more ice cream in my home for at least the next month. So...
Joy is around the corner. yep. Sigh. Okay. I'm gonna hit the play button on the remote now.
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