It's bizarre how quickly my family and female friends who've been hit hard with an out of the blue divorice....suddenly get so darn svelte...so darn fast!
I think it's the...."I'll show him what he's missing out on"- mindset that really motivates.
The problem for me has been....It almost seems like a betrayal to "suddenly" do what Mike wanted me to do for years....lose the extra weight. Even to 'not so suddenly' lose the extra pounds...still sits awkwardly on my heart. Because he sooooo would've loved it. Mike loved me skinny. And I was...for almost our entire marriage. I think it was about 51 when the pounds really jumped on. Lucky for me, I'm tall. So...I could look a whooooole lot worse :).
But...even so, I know my plantar fascitis that hit me so hard and took a year and a half to finally get over...would've ended sooner if I wasn't truckin around the extra weight on my feet. And I don't want to get diabetes which is more likely as I get older IF I don't drop poundage. My last fasting blood sugar was taken last week after I got rear-ended so badly (totaled my adored Pontiac Vibe and left me pretty shaken, concussed, bruised my back and neck and...the worse injury is I sprained my ankle and contused my lower calf so that....it still (10 days later) is a problem for me to walk and/or exercise like I should to lose weight or...live life actually :0. Haven't done any nursing shifts since the accident either cause I know I wouldn't be able to get through a 12 hr shift on this ankle.
However...I know it will heal up. But its frustrating. The plan (in my head and even verbalized to Amie a few weeks ago) was to go to Japan. Check! Return home. Check! Start exercising routinely using the Aquatic Center, YMCA membership, Tai Chi and Work Out VHS tapes (yes...VHS. I've had them awhile or picked them up used :). And get on the elliptical that I enthusiastically bought last fall and that Amie uses consistently. lol. All of which are.... definitely NOT Checked.
The other part of my plan was Jenny Craig. Cause I really do just need to watch my portions. I overeat...whatever is in front...part of the clean plate club. But I don't really have a huge sweet tooth. And I am very loyal to food...if I like it, I could eat it every day. (Picture peanut butter and raspberry jalapeno jam on toast and I would be super happy just having two of those and some breyers mint chocolate chip ice cream as the only things I eat for a whole week...and I'd be okay with that. ). Cause I am loyal...like a golden retriever. And I love organic fruits and vegies..eat them ALOT.
Plus...when I don't have plantar fascitis or a sprained ankle/calf going on...I garden, landscape, clean, blow out leaves, paint, restore, clean, and climb the myriad of stairs that exists in my own home and my vacation rentals that I'm constantly inside handling/fixing/cleaning/decorating etc. So....I classify my activity level normally...as moderate. I am not a sedentary person. And I love tennis, golf and beach swims and pools and swimming period. I just don't like to jog. Or run. Or do marathons or 5 K's. :( Even though the 5 K mud run with Mike a few years ago was a total hoot and a half!!!! And I have done the Savannah Bridge 3 K Run, Walk or Crawl...twice. But...the fact the word "crawl" was in the title is what drew me.
But....here I am. Squirming between a size 14 and 16. And recently...seeming to have a harder time finding the 14's and sometimes....even the 16's. Hrmmmphf! Not happening. Simply not. So....I figured before Japan that if I did Jenny Craig, I could see the actual portions laid out before me and really learn how to create that type of portion control in my own life...using organic of course.
Besides...I can count calories. I know the bottom line of weight loss...eat less than you put out. And I do blame the frozen shoulders (2010 and 2011) and the Plantar Fascitis (2013 - 14) but....can't always keep pointing a finger at something else when I know that I want another basket of Olive Garden breadsticks thank you kindly. And the bread at Outback...Mmmmmm. Definitely seconds on that basket. And don't even get me going about the bread at Texas Roadhouse.
Why is it that my favorite steak places...are the ones that have really good bread? Interesting.
Could be one of those epiphany moments :).
Anyhoooo. Weight Watchers is confusing with their crazy whatchmacallits instead of simply calorie counting. And I can calorie count...I just get lazy. So, I'm figurin my real challenge isn't calories, counting or a love of starch. It's that I don't do the correct portions. And I hate to eat when I'm not hungry so a 6 meal/day routine is actually a pain for me. Though then...I go till I AM hungry...really hungry...and I eat alot in one setting.
So...I am going to relearn appropriate portions and start doing what I hate...eat at regular intervals. I joined Jenny Craig two days ago and am on day two. It's not awful. The food tastes really good. It's just irritating to have to eat when I don't feel likeit. And...I'm lucky I don't have a
9 - 5 job and that I'm not doing the 12 hr nursing shifts for this particular moment in time too...so that I can do this and get used to it without the interference of a work shift.
With nursing... you're often extremely blessed to get a bladder break! Much less Jennies schedule of breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack and water, water, water water plus squeeze in throughout your unlimited vegie/fruit options :). But....the 10,000 steps /day exercise end of the weight loss pendulum would be a breeze! My fitbit said so far I just under 5000 steps today. And that is probably going to be it...till I heal up more. Then.... I will go for it.
And Mike...he would be so proud of me. And so encouraging. Actually....it would be a pain because he would soooo want me to lose the weight that his encouragement would probably just make me mad. I'd be like....what?! Love me as I am! I used to tell him...look around you Mister...we live in the SOUTH! I am lookin GOOD :)). It's true. I am. Just not the kind of California-girl skinny good I used to be. And I think I want that back.
But the widow factor actually.... a bit of a deterrent. To do it. To lose it. Now. When he's gone. Losing weight (the amount I want to lose) is a bit weird because I don't have the same thoughts or motivations like many hurt divorcee's may have. I don't need to get "lookin good" so that I can either "find a guy" or "show an idiot what he's lost".
During the earlier months since Mike died.... the idea of losing the weight I needed to get off actually did feel in a part of my brain as if doing so would be non-verbally saying to the world.... "okay...I look good... ready to find a man". Seeing many women that I knew, who had gotten divorced and...boom.... lost weight, looked great and...boom...seemed to pretty quickly get remarried again probably had alot to do with my hesitancy to do something that looked similar.
But...those misty partially formed thoughts did enter my heart. Becoming a size 10 again. Even a 12. But 10 is preferable. The idea ....still kinda hurts. Just typing this is making me start to cry. Because, as I said already, it seems so unfair. That I lose it when he always so wanted that very thing. To do it when he is not here... really does feel weirdly betrayal-ish.
What would've been AWESOME is if grief made me lose my appetite! THAT would've been the way to go. But no. Not me. Didn't lose anything...not ANYTHING. Pounds or appetite. Despite being incredibly grief-stricken. Of course...I did go through alot of days where I would eat a half-gallon mint-chocolate chip Breyers in one sitting, this was actually repeated quite...repeatedly. So that might explain it a bit.
But I'm not stupid. I have reached a "point". Mikes' desire for me to lose the weight for the past 22 years (Yep. 22. I've only been actually overweight for about 5. But Mike loved really skinny. He actually wanted me to lose weight when I was at my "ideal weight" . So losing weight with Mike gone when I knew it was such a big thing for him....really does have weird implications in my heart since weight was a roller coaster argument for a number of years...even when I didn't feel I was overweight.
Sigh. Again.....Chin up. Movin on. It's been a year and a half. I've wanted to lose the weight since I was 50 cause by then I really needed to lose about 15 - 20 lbs. (My version of what I needed to lose, not Mikes :). And ever since, the scale just keeps going up. Now... I'm 55. No plantar fascitis to fight. No frozen shoulders to fight and recover from (had surgery). BTW...I really think going organic, avoiding preservatives and doing tai chi/stretching this past year has been HUGE in giving me back my flexibility and keeping inflammation that (evidently) I'm prone to...really at bay. I think inflammation is even running in the opposite direction.
So...here goes. Jenny Craig, it is on! And I feel good...dadadadadada DA. :). LOL.
Oh shoot! It's 8:18 pm. I'm missing my "Once Upon a Time" series. Gotta go. Might do some 5lb weights for my biceps though....while in the recliner of course :)
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