In spite of adjusting to life without Mike.....and being rear-ended bigtime (slammmmmmed into was I while nearly stationary at a red light by an idiot 22 year old who had to be on something...no skid marks..said he was "trying to pass me??!!!" My car literally flew across an 8 lane intersection from the impact. All the debris from my Vibe lay back on the other side of the intersection behind the crosswalk line where only moments before my car had sat waiting for the light to change. Crazy! My thoughts were so fuzzy....I thought maybe a bomb had gone off! Then it was like..."no, I've been hit, I've been hit". But when I looked in my rearview mirror...there was nothing there! Nothing! I was so befuddled! I knew I was hurt. All this stuff was now in my lap and across the front seats but my air bag hadn't gone off. "How could I have been hit with no one behind me?" "Was it a bomb?". Wasn't till I opened my car door and shakily tried to get out that I looked ahead of me ands saw the guys car who rear ended me straddling the street median that had been across from us on the intersection. So...pretty crazy.
Yet..despite the busyness from the return from Japan and the new injuries and ..having now no car...(it was totaled)...and all the usual missing of Mike that is always there..... I feel different.
There is a difference!!!! On the "inside" of me.
It bemuses me when I realize that...."I am doing better...much better... post Mike". Wow. To actually be able to truthfully say that!
THIS is a milestone.
So it belongs in this blog. This point...hadn't been reached when I was in Japan. It's been in the few days since my arrival home.
There were several "heart" talks about Mike with Amy while in various hotels and on buses while we were in Japan and on the plane home. Those helped. Facetimes with Katie while in Japan t...even though brief... helped. Going through the Hiroshima Museum with all the ensuing chaotic and convuluted thought processes that it stirred up within me...helped. And, the 18 months that have passed since Mike died....with all their events.....helped. Mostly, your prayers. And Gods unending patience! He is beyond amazing. His mercy/grace/comfort and love that He has cradled me with for these past months...I am beyod grateful for. All of the above has coelesced into THIS moment. When I can honestly say "I am good". I've said those three words so many, many times. I'd be exhausted trying to count the sheer number of times. But they've never rung true. Not to me.
But they do ....right now. this moment. Wow.. And Whoa. And...Hmmmmm.
It's weird. To recognize that there is a new feeling in me! A new emotion. Or rather...an old emotion that I haven't felt in so long. This emotion has been so foreign for the past 18 months. It feels brand new!
Hope mixed with smidges of joy. I will forever remember the when of this. When I recognized I was feeling it! It was yesterday morning.
Yesterday morning I woke up and threw my arm over to the side of the bed where Michael had always slept. And he wasn't there. Not physically. But I laughed and talked to him. Cause I knew he was there...listening and watching. Because I had asked Jesus to let his spirit come and be with me when I needed him to. To give him exits from heaven for those moments. There were plenty of other moments where Mike could enjoy heaven. The Bible says our time...our lives...are just a blink of God's eye. So my miniscule moments with Mike right here...aren't going to ruin any heavenly plan. It won't break the spiritual dynamic that exists nor forever alter the routes planned that Mankind will take within God's Big Picture Scenario that must play out between Satan and God.
So as I lie there with my arm thrown out toward Mike... my eyes crinkle and I smile. Realization washing over me that I have been so blessed to have had...and still have (though I can't see him, he's still there) such a man in my life. Mike. A man who truly had loved me deeply and "unconditionally".
I am a handful. Not an easy package. My nickname from my parents growing up was "pistol" and "tiger". Yet Mike did. Really did....love me.
And Jesus too. This wonderful awesome God in Man form...who loves me...really loves me. Again, totally unconditionally. Me...crazy, unique, impulsive, very imperfect me...has been loved more than others ever get to be loved. I've been loved and am loved (eternity-wise) by two incredible men. Wow.
I smiled and felt hugged while lying there in my bed this morning. I am luckier than many. Two men have adored and loved me. I could feel my self esteem rise. Which is a good thing when you can recognize that you are a handful. I need to know that I'm worth loving in spite of it all.
And...this morning....I did. And it felt good. Still does. Life is going to go on. Don't know what it holds but...I'm finally looking forward to it. I'm contentedly smiling right now as I type. Even with the Walking Dead on the TV.
I love Jesus, love the Holy Spirit God the Father....and enjoy watching Walking Dead. Can't abide watching shows that have true evil in them. Evil is real. WD...fake as can be. Cool plot though. But WD...well....It's just a virus. So to me, it's a study in survival. But WD may not be everyone else's cup of tea. That's okay. As I said... I'm quite unique. And very loved in spite of it. :)
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