Why can't I be reallllly happy deep down? I used to be. I know I hit superficial smiley happy times lots these days. You can go through my camera pics and see laughter and smiles. But....the contentment kind of deep happiness that only comes from the Lord...I often have. But it is in waves. Like I'm on the sand and the waves wash up, over...and then receed. Leaving me on hot sand with eyes burning from the salt water and the glare that comes from not having sunglasses.
Mike was a definite sun shield from the glare. He wasn't the wave. That was the Lord. But when the wave receeded, Mike kept me in the shade.
I doubt anyone else can even understand this convoluted analogy. But it works for me.
There's alot of weddings and signs of spring right now. Which is great. And I love Spring. But it seems like its so brief anymore. Hot Hot Hot days crowd in much sooner. I want the rain. And it is only the beginning of April. But..hoping for some rain. Those days....fit me better. A little bit of gray. The comfort that comes from hearing raindrops. Curling up in a warm blanket. I get a bit of sad mixed with comfort mixed with seeing His creation and it mixes more soothingly. More soothingly than the past days with sunshine that is hot. Skys that are really blue. And days that just make the missing of Mike more stark. So the seasons that used to four distinct seasons...seem to be morphing more and more into just two...winter and summer. It's like being back growing up in California. I love the seasons. And I just plain hate being without Mike. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate!
The missing is worse in the mornings and at night. Which of course :)...is when I decide to write in this blog. The middle of the days are so crowded with things to do that it doesn't always register that he is gone. Because he was always at work in the middle of the day. Weekends though....suck. Nights........pretty bad. Mornings.....often the worst because you just realize after waking that it is another day.
Sometimes, I would like to just move away. Start over. Do something....anything... DIFFERENT! But my life, this business, even the girls...seem to have me in a mode where I really cannot do anything super abruptly or different. And there is another part of me that doesn't want to change the life that I had with Mike. It's just so confusing. I no longer like Nursing and this traffic accident which killed my car, sprained my ankle and back/neck and now has left me dealing with a tendonitis...makes me even less enthused about going back to Nursing and super long hallways where doing the 10,000 steps/day that Fit Bit is so excited about you accomplishing...really simple. So do I quit (not that I work much anyways as its only very part time. Running the Vacation Rental Business takes up way more than 40 hrs /week). Or do I quit and go do the occassional blast but which makes a blast of money...like travel nursing or strike nursing or something like that? Or..Peace Corps? Or just move to Ecuador and rent out stuff long term? Or...buy a little condo or something close to the girls and still....move away, do Peace Corps or.....something.
Sigh.
The life I'm living right now...this minute...has been pretty meaningless in the Big Picture. But the vacation rentals/repairs/landscaping/maintenance...maintenance...maintenance and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning plus even the bit of nursing that I do have to do...mixed with all usual mundane things of life (vacuming, dishes, laundry, pet care etc)...make everything SO busy that there isn't even time to figure out what I should do.
Lord....give me guidance. Direct my steps. Lead me. Show me. And could you do it like watching a slide show of what I'm to do all the while with me just able to sit in your lap? I feel like I am in a convoluted mud puddle that I'm suppossed to get out of (hopefully...cause its crummy living in mud)...but not sure which direction has the solid ground to enable me to get some footing.
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