Recent lifemix of holiday blues & actual smidges of ....real joy

November 29, 2014.
I went to a Support Group for those who have lost their spouses. It was last week.  Wanted to see if it would be of help since I am still often having such a hard time.  Several things were helpful.....  I got to hear the phrase "grief attacks".  I like that phrase.  It's very apt.  Grief attacks....feel like mini to major heart attacks actually.  The abrupt onset of a pain that literally takes your breath away.  Feeling a ripping pain sometimes and other times a horrible hurtful heaviness in your chest. Other times a pain that feels like your heart is being literally shredded within you.  Hand to chest. Breathing hard. Blinking tears while you tell yourself not to dwell...not now...think of something else...and fail so the sobs rack you.  Or...you succeed and just blink away and wipe the tears off as you fumble to put on sunglasses on a cloudy day because you are pulling up to a teller window or you're pulling into your spot and need to get out of the car. Or a new conversation is starting that you must now join. 
        The support group was predominantly ladies much older than I.  Only one male.  Most had been married 45 -  65 + years.  My  25 years with Mike seemed

small by comparison. Their losses were much fresher than my 14 months. It was odd.  In some ways  I could tell I'd gotten past "some" of the initial hurt, bewilderment and confusion they were swimming in.  Yet,  in other ways...I was "right there with them" in their pain and hurt and confusion. 
       With Thanksgiving and Christmas looming,  that was a topic for all...how to get through them. The dismalness of the seasons. When it came time for me to talk, I had difficulty describing how this year was different and yet...the same as what they were going through...their "first" holiday round.  The best I could come up with was that this year the holidays felt like "a different kind of awful". 
        Like the others, I had no heart to put up decorations. I will be by myself this year for the holidays.  First time. Amie is in Florida and Katie is in Tennessee. Why even bother decorating. Of course I have the decorations for my vacation rentals that I "have" to do.  But cards? a tree?  No heart for it. Though I did try to get the girls to agree that we'd each buy a "charlie brown christmas tree" and put them on a table in each of our little "neck of the woods".  I figured if we did that, I would still feel somehow connected to them during Christmas.  And there's no decorations really on a Charlie Brown Tree. But the girls were not game for the idea...so it drowned. 
         And then....(this is the good and really cool part of this past week)....the Lord poured out grace and mercy into and onto my bruised beaten up heart. 
       Amie came up for a few days from Orlando. Sick.  Pharyngitis and conjunctivitis.  She called and said she needed her own bed and would rather drive the four hours to her own bed from the urgent care to her own room than squeeze into the one bedroom apartment shared by three girls and her cramped and lonely top bunk.   It was very healing ....on both our ends.  During our talks about the upcoming holidays...the idea blossomed that, maybe,  totally 100% "new" decorations would be better than....none.  Ones that would focus my weary heart on something other than past christmases and Mike.  But to focus on why we celebrate Christmas to begin with...ones that would allow me just to "see" Jesus.  Nothing else.  We were buying new " non-contaminated" replacement  toiletries  for Amie due to the pinkeye...and wouldn't you know.  A major sale...on easy fake trees...prelit even. And some other decorations that were so different from my usual "kidsy" decor.  All ones that pointed upward...not inward.
             It is odd that the christmas decorations  now adorning my living room actually... and  poignantly.... bring to my heart's mind...just...His love.  They aren't triggering memories and so aren't scrapping off the scabs covering the wounds on my weary heart. 
              I am now one week past that support group meeting. It's been a painful week.  Even with Amie here...and gone.  And now Katie here for Thanksgiving...the Heart-Grief attacks keep plunging in at all times of day and night.  But,  I know I am not mired in grief.  For that I am glad.   I AM covering distance as I traverse this yucky dirt-like path God has me on.  It's a horrible path...dirty and strewn with broken glass and upon which I am barefoot and bleeding.   And these other spouse-less grievers are on similarly awful paths. I just don't know if their paths have the Lord over the next hilltop or walking alongside.  We didn't get into it (rather surprisingly to me).  But...while the paths are not identical...they're similar.  And despite being "right where they are" sometimes....I also know I'm further down mine.   But not because there's mile markers on this road!  Chronologicity has no impact on the amount, frequency or durantion of emotional pain... in my opinion.   Because it hurts as much now as it did 14 months ago.       
         I used to have this multifaceted prism hanging in one of the windows of my home. It would always bring a smile to walk in and discover dancing  rainbows spots of various colors and shapes on my walls. Usually they came only in the morning or afternoon when the light hit it "just right" from "just a certain angle" .   I feel like my relationship with Jesus has the same kind of multifaceted design as that little prism.  Over the years, I became comfortable seeing the Lord from the same angles.  I knew well the designs He made on my heart.   But...over the past 14 months though....it's been like layers of dust have covered that prism.  Light had a progressively tougher time getting through it.  The weather outside seemed non-conducive too...cloudyness and rainy. Rainbows haven't danced.  When I even saw them...the colors were muted and the shapes were familiar but hazy. The last few months, it's like the prism's been first dusted off, then windexed...finally....elbow grease has been applied and it's been scrubbed.  And light is shining through alot. Almost like before...but also very differently.  
         I can gauge the emotional distance traveled since Mike died (since chronological months don't work) by the changes in my relationship ...with God.   That has become my yardstick.  And that walk has been like that prism. The colors that dance on my heart come from new angles and facets with new shapes and old colors have hues that have deepened.  Before Mike got diagnosed with cancer...Gods light and presence would hit me like that prism in my window...usually from the predictable angles and always with reflections on my heart that were deeply satisfying.  But now!  Unexpected facets are being illuminated. The reflections being poured onto my heart come often unexpected  and lightening- fast and they pierce...but then disappear...only to reappear again with such new designs and colors. And the emotions they bring are both heartwarming and very humbling.
          When you think about it... our closest and most familiar relationships are usually with family members we've known for years.  They can be kinda one-dimensional in a way because you know each person so thoroughly that you always just relate to them in the same way.  Always a particular level and depth. It's easy to become unaware of all the other ways you could relate to them or they to you.  Because you are seeing them through the same lens...same light dynamics each time.  But if you had a relationship with them as a friend, or co-worker etc..you might find facets of their personality you weren't aware of.   A bit like a prism... :).  The Holy Spirit is gently and lovingly creating new patterns in my relationship with Him these past fe months. The reflections He draws for me resonate with such tenderness!  They're like... ..unspoken heart messages from Him to me. 
        I remain far from grateful to Him that I am on this path. But ....I sometimes can read vaguely a few of the words when I demand from Him... "why"  He wanted me to walk it.  But the entire sentence containing His explanation remains elusive. Probably only when I get to heaven myself will the entire reason for this walk at this time in my life and our marriage become clear to me....cause to me I cry out usually that it just "makes no sense!"  And then I dissolve again into water . 
      But.....I have smidges of joy of late too.  One of which came when I heard Carrie Underwoods newest song on the radio "something in the water"  the other morning for the first time!  I immediatly recognized me....in the lyrics!  They bring back that specific night.  Back to 1978.   Just me and the Holy Spirit/Jesus/God...alone...in my bedroom one night.  I was wrestling..again! That night was the third time in a two year span that I spent wrestling with Him over a decision I knew He was asking of me. And I'd been resisting it.....even though 98% of me was agreeable.  The 2% that night that was "not" was a pretty fierce competitor to overcome.
     I've never had a decision other than this one that took so long to be made.  I was only 17 years old when I discovered, through a sweet friend at work...that a decision even existed! She shared with me that Jesus wanted much more than  just Saviorhood from me.  He wanted to be my Lord.  "Lord" Jesus. What??  Savior was a no brainer.  Did I want Hell or Heaven?  Had to have Jesus to get to Heaven. Agree you believe He was who he said.  Okay.  Easy breezy.   Now onto living my life as I want.  I didn't realize back then that even the demons and Satan recognize Jesu is who He said he was. I wasn't really doing anything more than they do when I was a youngster "accepting" Jesus died for my sins.  But I thought I was.  So...when my friend told me Jesus wanted to be "my Lord"...THAT information was completely new.  And I was pretty taken aback by it. 
         What does "Lord" mean?  I mean...I wasn't living in the mideival days of yore.  Kings...Lords...serfs....all that was in history books only.  Even modern monarchies are not viewed the same...they're simply decorative really. Not like when you committed your life to honor and serve a King...aka...Lord...aka My Liege! This was a whole new concept. It means He would have power over me...and my life. While this concept of what Jesus wanted from me was new, it wasn't palatable! Especially at the tender age of 17. I was just getting into the part of life that was "my own".  The years that were to be mine to lead.  And I wanted them to be fun!  The 1970's California version of "fun".  Lord of "my" life?.... Don't think so.  Move over and let Jesus sit in the drivers seat of my life?  Don't think so.  Hence....the wrestling match began.  It took me two years.     
        Listening to Carrie Underwoods song....brought back that night in 1978 like yesterday.  And the truth of the lyrics.  It's true.   I was "changed".  At age 19.  That was the night I finally gave the other 2% and  yielded Him the whole 100% of me.  I moved over to the passenger seat.  (Still holding onto everything in my lap from my drivers seat days of course....but that's another story :).  
        While the initial change when the Holy Spirit washed me right there in that room is a memory that I will treasure always...He keeps you growing...and changing.  Sometimes my growth stalled.  But it didn't wither.  My faith and walk just kept putting its roots down deeper . Sometimes God's pruning seems like mini hatchet jobs.  But growth continued and pruning is often necessary as any gardener will attest.  During the prunings...Mike was such an anchor.  Then.... Mike died.   And I hit a winter in my growth I've never experienced before. A relationship that felt barren in a barren landscape.   But spring started months ago....and sunlight began to filter back through my dusty  relational-prism.  Penetrating slowly through the feelings of regret, hurt, confusion, betrayal- and attacks of such intense eye-dimming pain, God is changing my growth...deepening it with facets and angles through which I see Him that are new.  That mix joy and pain together and create a humbling emotion...one that recognizes the blend is filled with His Grace.
       

    I think I'll go back... at least once more.... to that support group.  It wasn't really healing for me.  But it wasn't non-healing either.  Seeing others who were in the same pool of drowning was beneficial for me.  Recognizing that I am "right where they are" in that horrible awfulness called grief.  Yet I am also much farther along than before on "my particular path" God has placed before me...at the same time. Grief roadways have similarities...splintered, dirty, muddy, rocky and strewn about with broken glass shards that cut deeply and make you bleed...even hemorrhage at times. But each path is unique.  And...just because they have similarities...the direction they lead are often not the same.  Mine...leads to a closer walk with Jesus.  The end of the road...will be reuniting with Mike in heaven.  The length of it...unknown. But my heart breaks for those who are walking similar roads and they have no knowledge of Him...He is not the destination.  Their road is simply circular.  While they may find secure footing and even grassy and soft areas as their individual journeys progress...they will never feel His hand reach out to steady them as I do. Nor is it His door that is at the end of the journey.  That is the truest saddest thing to reflect on when I think about others who are going through loss.   And why the christmas decorations I now have up are such a blessing to me.

   

What's wrong with this picture?

I keep seeing in my minds eye a drawing of a nest, no eggs...no little birdies inside.  And two birds perched on the rim eyeing the emptyness within and a cocked eyebrow at each other with the wordless question, "Now what?" in the air.  And the air always had a sense of anticipation and excitement in the drawing I had in my minds eye.  But now...there is only one bird perched on the rim of the recently emptied nest and the expression hardly holds anticipation.
     This is a tough couple weeks.  Katie finally got the post college graduation job she deserved...in Tennessee.  So only a few states away.  But the whole thing happened like a tornado.  She'd put in a resume online. Got the call stating interest and how soon can she interview.  She and I went up to TN a few days later, she was told she had the job a few days after our return, we returned a few days after that to get her an apartment and again, a few days later again, to move her in to said apartment.  Truly a whirlwind.  Suddenly...she's gone.  And Amie remains at her job in FL for the rest of the year. And suddenly....and I mean "suddenly" I am whammed into the empty nest.  Without Mike.
       I knew this was coming.  Actually encouraged the girls to continue with their lives and get those post graduation jobs and move out and start their own lives.  Because they should!  That is what parenting is about....seeing your children become independant of you and able to survive on their own and make their own way and have "their" lives.  But it still sucks.  (Yes I hate that word.  Yet there is not another that ever comes to mind to convey how sucky ucky and yucky....not having Mike and dealing with life without him has been like without deteriorating into sobs and painful adjectives such as "raw, bloody anguish".  So....will stick with how life feels like a giant sinkhole has swallowed me up and I can't climb out and know I should and am angry, hurt and very very bewildered... that I am sitting in a sinkhole to begin with.  And there are times you just want the earth to cover the dang think up with you inside and be where there is no more of the pain. To be in heaven with the Lord and with Mike!  I'd be done with the whole "gotta climb out" deal. 
         Depression.  Not really a major force going on in my heart.  It's actually just anguishing pain. And anger. With little toe dips into depression....the shallow ripples is all.  Not where I'm in over my head drowing in it like those such as Robin Williams and others who actually do the worst thing possible and least trusting in the Lord thing that there is in this world...and take their own lives.
        Nope.  I'm gonna live mine.  Not necessarily thrilled or excited about it though. But I will live it. 
          And in time...hopefully be happy. 
          There's so many things that I could do.  Teach ESL oversees.  Go on a Mission Trip.  Do Cruise Ship Nursing. Look into Dialysis Cruise Nursing and retraining for that specific type of cruise.  Do travel nursing.  Enter the Peace Corps. .Become a Missionary. Or just...volunteer, volunteer, volunteer.  Lose weight and go on Jenny Craig or start doing Zumba daily. Read.  Sell the house. Sell everything!  Move  far away.  Move closer to the girls.  Move back to California to help out with my Mom.  Or.....Move to a 3rd world country!  I heard they're very affordable.   Sell vs Keep ...the house....the business.  Run it myself or...Let someone else run it for me.  Whatever should I do???? 
        I remember when Mike and I needed a new stove and I told him I wanted one with only a few knobs.  Not the hightech-can't figure them out with all the various buttons and bows on them- ones.  I like things simple.  Too many choices are not a good thing.  I don't like even menus with too many choices...simple is better.  Too many options just leaves you floundering.  Even the gameshow Let's Make A Deal knew not to put more than 3 doors out a time.  There's so many choices that I can't decide on anything....  At least, that's what it feels like for me.
        I know Amie will return for a time next year.  So I should maybe not sell anything quite yet...that decision is one that is at least made.  I'll wait another year or so...maybe.
        I am still quite angry at both Mike and God sometimes.  There are unfinished conversations with Mike.  I'm upset that between Mike and his workaholic tendencies and God with His sped-up timeframe, we didn't get to have those conversations.  I need some of them so badly.  But...the opportunities were squelched by so many other things crowding their way into the little bit of time we had left. So I am left with unanswered questions and unmet reassurances...about alot of things.
        I wish our marriage had been on a perfect "high" when he found out he was sick.  It was on a "good" foundation.  Just before he died...it moved back to a "great" foundation.  But...it was a different "great".  Tinged with other aspects that made it unlike the earlier times of Great or times before in our marriage when we had been on actual "fantastic" footing together.  But the road of marriage is very very hard.  Marriage and Parenting are the two hardest things you will ever have to do in this life...in my opinion.  Yet the two most worthwhile. Communication and, even above that...showing that you actually "value" or "treasure" one another....are the most basic needs in each. And you can roll the top need into ...communicating to the other that they are valued by you.  That is my regret with Mike...too many times and in too many arguments did he not see that.  Knowing the times he did...doesn't make it easier to deal with the realization that there were so many when he didn't.  I actually need to remember the times when he was not the perfect husband and he was not the one showing value so that it is a bit easier to handle the times when the one un-valuing the other was me. Cause Mike was definitely the one "valued" best. And yet....I still wonder...sometimes. And I especially wonder if he really knew....how much I treasured him.  That is something I wish on no one else.  And I now understand why my friend, Carla, who'se husband had died when they were both 50, spent so much of her time with me encouraging me and every other wife she knew to "value" your husband.  Because you don't want to be living a life without him...wondering ...did he?  ....throughout all those many many many many years together.... just how much you did.  It's the greatest gift you can ever give to one you love.  Forget hallmark cards.  Forget gifts.  Forget everything other than recognizing and doing something with the chances given you (that you are probably squandering) that would make them realize that this person holds such immense and priceless value to you.  As a person..as a mate...as a child.
        For me, I was in both relationships...parenting and marriage...and saw both through eyes blurred by pain and exhaustion and hurt in between the times of joy, laughter and hugs and love. The times when I had to drag a physically and/or emotionally drained self back to the other person in the relationship because I "knew" I was to persist in smoothing it out and forcing out of the muck we were in the design for it that I knew in my heart God would want for it... is beyond tiring.  Far far easier to clam up and just let the other "do whatever" so that you can tend to the "you" in the relationship. Which is the problem with parenting today.   Parents aren't willing to expend the perseverence ...the exhausting perseverence that is required.  And Satan has ensured with the two income family that the line to exhaustion is much much shorter than ever before in our history. And marriage and parenting require such unselfishness.  Because you can't give into the exhaustion and be "okay" with not going the extra mile to smooth things out with the hubby or lovingly enforce the required discipline needed with a child. I remember wanting at times to just "let it go" at times with parenting....when they'd answer back in "that tone of voice" or was disrespectful in some other manner.  It's exhausting to keep having to "parent". Persistence in the face of exhaustion... is true parenting.  "Let it Go" is the selfish persons road to parenting. Yet...the world will tell you to "let it go"..."take care of yourself"...."focus on the big things"  etcetera.  In life.  In marriage.  In parenting.  But...nowhere in the Bible are those things found.  God doesn't tell you to "take care of yourself".  Unselfishness is His Goal for us.   Hence....he gave me kids.  He doesn't say "focus on the big things" but He is concerned with the most minute aspects of our feelings and hopes and dreams.  And this is where I failed sometimes in marriage.  Spending more concern on the we-isms of what is best instead of focusing on the him-isms of what Mike sometimes needed from his mate.  His BFF.  His rib .
       So.....while I muddle through this muddy thing called living in a house all by myself without kids and...without Mike.  I think I may have to get some others insights into how they coped.  So I have signed up for a grief support group for those who've lost spouses.  Since there is such a huge difference in the loss of Mike after 25 years of marriage and 30 years of best friendom than from what it was like for me when I lost my Dad, Grandparents, Friends, and even the miscarriage.  So...  I'll see what this is like and if it is of help.   And I will still occassionally blog out my meandering thought processes on the ultimate journey that I am on...which is life.  I realllllly need to get out there and do some sort of volunteering.  I am leaning toward soup kitchens.  Maybe driving meals on wheels.  Again....I want to but...I also feel stuck in the mud as to the actual implenmentation of anything.

to reiterate life this past year....

This was my letter to a sweet friend in Christ who wanted to let me know he is still praying for me a year after Mikes' death.....  it summarized where I was and am at this particular moment in time.....

      I appreciate beyond words to hear you are continuing to pray for us.  This journey remains difficult.  For Katie and Amie...they've shared that it really is only in the past couple months that they've "really" began to process their Dad is truly    ....gone.  Not surprising given how chaotically busy they were this past year with completing their Senior years, midterm/finals, graduations, resume preps/job searches etc. 

      But now....the searches for jobs continue but their lives have slowed down.  And...while they say time heals,  time also is needed to allow for reflection.  And with reflection comes realizations.  And with realizations come emotions that get bottled in and tamped down when you don't have "time" to let them penetrate.    For me....it's been very hard and... lonely. I understand why swans die when their mates die.  As for my personal walk with the Lord...wow.  What a twisting and often tortured journey that has been.  I think my relationship and faith in Jesus is stronger "now" probably more than ever before in my life.  But the journey and convoluted path it went on over the course of the past year....feeling separated, betrayed, hurt, confused, empty, and horribly apathetic in my relationship was not fun. And you end with such an understanding of what it means when you sing, "I surrender all" so blithely with hands raised. A heart-opening understanding that makes you loathe to sing such songs.   While I don't doubt that I will always be willing to surrender all...I was surprised to find I had many, prior to losing Mike,  unrecognized "conditions" of the hows and whens  "surrendering" would take place. There is alot of prior acquiescence involved and expected actually.  Kinda like in a church nursery when you have two two-year-olds wanting the same doll. You quietly and lovingly "explain" and "encourage" the one holding tightly to the doll to "share it" and let the "other have it". Until the child is ready to finally GIVE the doll only to find before they can do so that the other abruptly snatches it out of her hands!  Even though ready to relinquish it only moments prior, that is replaced by intense anguish & stormy tears that it was "snatched" just before the first girl was "finally ready" to let it go.  That describes how Mike died.  We understood he was going to die and we'd have to say goodbye but we were hoping for and actually expecting at least two or even more months.  Then it was just cut off. In one day everything turned upside down resulting in a discharge not to months to spend together still...but to hospice and death within a week.  The nursery analogy fits perfectly in how I felt.  

       What was also interesting was to find that I loved Mike much more than I loved God.  Never knew it. Would've sworn otherwise.  But boy...if I had died during the first 4/5ths of last year...I would've entered heaven and pushed right past Jesus to find Mike. Eye-opening.  I don't know what it is like to lose a child.  I've heard that loss of a spouse is the most intense loss.  I think I believe that.  Although the number of years married and the quality of the marriage bond would affect whether that's true in all cases I'm sure.  But Mike and I were together 30 years, & married for 25 of them.

     My dad died when I was 21.  Miscarried a baby. Lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, and one very close friend and several not so close friends. But nothing. Nothing .... has been like the raw ripped maceration that has been this loss.  Unbelievably so.  I know there's so many people with much worse going on that "only" the loss of a spouse.   Been trying to keep loss and life in perspective and not get lost in a morass of self pity and mired in grief.  Knowing I WILL see Mike again...oh my gosh how sad it must be for those who don't know Christ and the blessed hope of that truth!  But...even knowing that still means that joy, peace, and closeness to the Lord...is not always my life partner.   Much more now.  But before that past month or so....was totally missing it more often than not.  Still not having the joy I used to have.  Happy yes...often.  Cause happy is very superficial and fleeting. In/Out/here/there. Before Mike died, if I'd been asked how I would want to "handle" it, I would say I would hope to be "an inspiration :)" .  But I definitely wasn't spouting scriptures and smilingly proclaiming how God is good and I'm so fine cause He is supreme and has me in the palm of His hand.  Actually...alot of scripture spouting by friends or in cards felt abrasive. Initially.  The best that I loved....Psa 34:19 
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".  It acknowledged the pain.

      I'm one to be very honest in my relationships...both with the Lord and with the girls.  So they've watched me struggle and I've described to them my faith/walk struggles.  Struggle is real. I feel kinship with those who've experienced and empathize that type of relationship better than those who spout well-intentioned god-isms.  I have found in all this that struggle in faith and in my walk with the Lord hasn't kept me from a deep and real relationship with Him ....because it IS a relationship. It has honed the trust and honed the faith...which is why I think I may in my best place ever with Him.  But it remains tinged...with alot of various emotions.  Not all of which have dissapaited.

        And for the girls...      I am relieved their own personal walks with Him have roots that go deep.  I try to get them to talk to me of their feelings but they keep most of their tears private.  But we share enough to know.....  it is well with our souls.  Initially during Mikes illness and right afterwards, we literally walked on prayers. His peace that passed understanding was so ours.  But then....the peace left.  Reality rushed in.  And pain became its siamese twin.

We are better in many aspects.  But this journey is like a diamond with so many facets to it.  So some facets...much better.  Others....not so much.  Other facets, only now coming to our realizations that they exist and what they look like when you view life through them without Mike.  So thank you, thank you, thank you for your ongoing prayers.  

       

      Now...enough about me and the girls.  How are YOU!!??  I know the path God has you on with your own health struggles while you balance out the hopes and dreams you have for a long and fruitful life with "your" girls has to be tough to navigate at times.  And maybe you are always "great in your walk" unlike me :).   And I shall strive to become like you!.... and inspire many.

       But if you're not always "great", then that is a special place that I lift up when I pray for you. The "valleys" and unexpected "gopher holes" that are on those paths we walk with Him that He carves out specifically for each of us.

         I pray for your health, your beautiful family and your beautiful relationship with the Lord.  In Nicaragua, I mentioned to Bill that the Lord put on my heart that you had a heart like Timothys (in the Bible).   I actually have been given the gift of discernment.   So it's true.

      Well, there you go.  One random "how are you?"  garners this long-winded discourse and update (since I never would have this kinda time when I see you between sermons) on what  life has been like.   But the bottom line remains...I feel very blessed.  Because of the Lord, the girls, my friends, my family and because of prayer warriors and brothers in Christ such as you!     Thank you William.

                                                                                                                                 Love, Suzie 

Look for the vow necessity ......

                                                                                                                     August 27, 2014

       I loved the Jungle Book as a child.  Baloo sang a song titled, the bare necessities. The lyrics of that song, "look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities..." came to mind when I was trying to figure out a title for a blog about wedding vows. 
      This has been a summer filled with weddings it seems. Just this past weekend, I attended yet another bridal shower.  And today, was one of those heart to hearts with a friend over salads and sweet tea about life, love and everything in between.  Lastly...just moments ago, my facebook newsfeed had an anniversary post commenting how 25 years of marriage had tested their wedding vows.  
       The last resonated within me... on several levels. 
Mike and I had gotten married 25 years ago this past March.  And marriage definitely requires vows because the testing of vows is pretty much a given.   Which got me to reflecting how the traditional vows are erased from most marriage ceremonies today.  The old vows are replaced by the write your own.  Sweet, mushy, heartfelt.  And totally useless (really...!)  vows.  
       I truly believe it is the traditional vow that helps ensure success in marriage.  Not that romance isn't adorable.  Especially within a marriage ceremony.  And handwritten vows are romantic!  I know.  Firsthand actually.   Mike and I wrote our own vows.  This was back in 1989 when doing so was still "relatively" cutting edge :).    I can't recall his to me.  Nor mine to him either....well a teeny part of mine I do remember.   I know for sure I emphasized I actually would "obey"...(it drew a huge laugh from our wedding guests who knew my bullheaded nature...and hence, the reason I actually included it within my "own" vows).
         But...to really know for sure just what we said in our "personal vows" , means I need to first ..find, then...dust off our wedding video and finally, plug it into a VHS player!  Which I cannot bring myself to do...maybe not for years.  Waaaay tooooo painful would that be.  But....I would bet that our heartfelt, handwritten personal vows that we made to one another would surprise and warm my heart.  And probably also be laughable,  ironic or just plain...sad.  I also could be sure each was probably  broken ( at least once)  if not repeatedly.   Well....Except for mine on the "obey" thing ! ;).  LoL.
More than likely, they were among the frivolous ..."I promise to never go to bed mad at you".   or...."I promise to always smile when you come in the door"  or ".....hold your hand even when I'm angry" - kinds of vows.  Someday maybe...I'll play the video if my VHS player still exists...and actually find out.   
           What I do know (now) is that they should contain at least a dollup of wisdom.   For example...."I promise to pay for a babysitter even when the cost of a meal + babysitter means we order the cheapest appetizer on the menu, no entree, and smilingly request "just water" at least once a month to allow us non-kid-included-date-night regularly!
          But Mike and I were not completely clueless.  We did include the old well-worn vows in our marriage ceremony....right after our handmade ones :).  And I admit,  it  felt like the ones we wrote to one another....were more promises than actual "VOWS".  This may have been because the old-fashioned, traditional vows were the "final" ones said.  And.... we had to do the "repeat after me" with them as well!   So they felt very vow-like and we really did say and mean them as "vows" not as promises.  Try it...have a minister ask you if  "you take this man/woman....to love, honor and cherish..for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, till death do you part?" and tell me you are not aware of the vow-ness of it?  Handwritten vows...are more like the shadow of a traditional vow.  Vows are glue.  And glue is needed in marriage. Because marriage is, in a nutshell,  wonderful...and hard.  Heartwarmingly joy-filled...and hard.  Humorous...and hard.  Very very very...hard,  and wonderful.   Marriage was the hardest thing (second only to parenting) that I've ever done.  And the most fulfilling.  Which means.....Vows...matter.  Yet today...in marriages, it doesn't seem that the seriousness of a VOW versus a "promise" is grasped much.  So the traditional vow is omitted entirely and the handwritten "promises" disguised as vows now take the stage in many ceremonies.
       And the result.....well.  It's pretty obvious.  Just think about the feelings of love in those new vows. For myself....I absolutely adored the rose-colored glasses phase.  I can still reflect back on those years and they literally will make me smile.  Such fun it was!  So cool!  Remembering how it felt to have Mike would touch my hand ....and electricity would shoot right through me!  It was awesome.  I was so IN love.  All the moments of life crammed  with thoughts of Mike. Ahhhhhhhhh.
The feeling lasted years.  I loved life and the view from my rose-colored glasses was phenomenal.       The fading from deep rose to rose to kinda rosey ...to pink...and then....kinda pinkish...and so on was not something that happens  BAM! Rose colored glasses don't just fall off one day. Nope.  I was at home, doing my usual marriage & work & caring for the kids life...and wearing my palish-pink glasses when the thought came.  And this thought or better...realization...actually caught me a bit offguard.  Maybe that's why I remember it so well.  Sitting in my home on west 2nd street, I was thinking about my marriage and suddenly recognized  I had  to "decide" to love Mike.  Not rely on feeling it. But decide to actively love.  A decision. I don't recall  the Whys and Whats of my life at that time that made me realize.. I had to make loving Mike a decision and not just a feeling.  And so...I decided  "to decide" to love Mike.... for my entire life.  An active verb vs a passive one.  I remember reflecting about our vows...and it was the traditional ones that came to mind. Even then...I couldn't really remember the handwritten ones that we'd actually come up with!   Other than, naturally, the "obey" part of mine...probably because I still wrestled with that.  :). But the traditional vows were always easy to recall. And so...I decided.  To love.    And...subsequently... the lenses of my glasses changed. Still colored .....but with depth.  And as years passed...definitely richer and more varied hues.
      Several years later,  Mike and Iwere at a hotel and there was a wedding going on beneath our window on the hotel lawn.  We listened in on their ceremony.  I heard the couple excitedly recite their handmade "vows".  Sweet!  And I waited for the traditional ones.  Only to hear the minister "now pronouce (them) man and wife".   I was really saddened.  Mike and I sat and really talked about it.  I think the fact they omitted the traditional vows made such an impression upon me that day because
the "decision to love"  is best found within those "old traditional" vows.  The decision to love is  actually in the  "read between the lines" of the traditional vows.  And...most probably why arranged marriages have been historically so successful.  Unlike non-arranged marriages, where the start of it is based upon the feelings of love.  Hence the dismayed surprise when the feeling fades.  Arranged marriages make the decision to love/feel love/decide TO love at the very start.  With the decision to love, the lenses you wear when you view your mate truly do transform.  You wear glasses that  allow you to see this nuanced rainbow of colors showing the good, bad, ugly and....the good...and more good...and, again,  good.  This latter focus always on the good requires some lens adjustments...like  bifocals!  :).   You actively choose what part of the lens to look through.  Yet you also find God involved. For when you do that...the rest of the lens continues to change to deeper and rosier hues.  Every marriage union eventually requires each member recognize and make "a decision" to love. One not based upon feelings. Either at the start like an arranged marriage...or in the middle.  When they don't both do so...divorce results.
       Thus...along comes this other verb... "persevere".   And.... with persevering...comes the vows!  Essentially then...you come full circle.  That is marriage.  Love...decision....perseverence...Increased love...continued decision....more perseverence  (repeat). 

Marriage perseveres through....  better and worse, financial stability and mounting debts/circling drains  (eg: richer and poorer :),    Through sickness and good health.   Until....at the very end.....the one vow  that is left,  is the one vow that shows you made it through all the others......  Till death do us part.
         So I hope my girls, when they get married, include the old traditional vows.  And have a simple gold band as their wedding rings.  The latter....for alot of extra not yet mentioned reasons!  
           Society today puts out this temptation to have alot of bling on your rings.  It's indiscriminate..bling both the engagement and the wedding ring!   But ...not always!  It used to be that the wedding ring was always just a band of gold.  And with a simple band of gold (yep...think back to the song from the 60's or early 70's.  I really liked that song!)....the vow pretty much slaps you in the face when you look at it.  But nowadays.... how much bling is in a ring has become equated with "how deep is his love"  ....or at the very least, his pocketbook ;). 
        Yet, when the wedding ring is all bling....the vow is hidden. I believe the vow is what God intended us to look at daily.  Heaven knows how many times I see my fingers each day.  And therefore the ring upon my left one.  Think about it.  God had the Israelites put up altars whenever HE , in a sense, came through for them against all odds.   The altars were meant to be constant reminders to the israelites to "persevere" ... To remind them,  HE had come through and...so they could trust HE would come through.    Reminders are very important to God.   He knows they're essential to us weak, forgetful humans.  We require upfront and upclose reminders! A wedding ring was meant to serve as a reminder of THE vow YOU made.     Not a promise. Not a conversation. But a vow.    Vows are like writings upon iron tablets.  Promises are written on rosepetals.   When I look at a gold band, ...I hear in my head.... "I promise to love, honor and cherish, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part". Those are vows.  Vows with iron. Vows that get you through marriage.  Vows that require the decision to love, not just the feeling of love...to be within a marriage relationship.   While sweet...really....sooooooo  sweeet!  The vows nowadays such as ...."I will always hold your hand even when I'm angry" are as flimsy as muslim is to iron.  And marriage requires iron to survive...it's hard.          
     When I reflect back on my 25 years of marriage to Mike, and how terribly much I miss him since he died....Satan hurls at me memories when we angrily (me mostly....Mike more rarely, though sainthood-worthyness was neither of us ) threw out hurtful words at each other.   Even worse is the memory of times when the word, divorce,  was, sadly....thrown into a heated argument.  True, I comfort myself that I used it much like one would use ice cold water upon someones head...as a shock technique.  If  Mike had ever turned my technique back upon myself ...and said divorce should be considered....I know my world would've dissolved into shattered shards of glass.  And....in a weird way, knowing Mike wouldn't do so was the reason I could hurl that most hurtful of all words at him.  Because I KNEW Mikes attitude toward our wedding VOWS.  I knew and he knew I knew.  And he knew I felt the same.  We both respected and acknowledged we were bound not by promises...but by Vows. To God. And to each other.  We knew our marriage would be TDDUP.  FB&FW, IS&IH, FR&FP.  Even if we didn't "like it".    And all this is not to say hurling hurtful words...and especially that most hurtful of all words is ever right!  The word divorce should be struck from all arguments between those united with Vows before GOD.  But my point is this...Marriage is hard. Mountaintops and valleys.  Persevere in a valley and you WILL end up together and holding hands...on a mountain top.  But...there will also be another valley...and another mountaintop ahead. And so on.  That is the journey of marriage.  That is what the vows are all about.  When you're in a valley...you need to decide to love and decide to persevere....and the vows you will do so are evident in a gold band upon your finger. And the vow before God brings HIM into the journey.  Which means....quite simply...that you WILL find the mountaintop. GOD is in control of your journey.
      And the vows I said 25 years ago still are serving me even now.  Reflecting upon them and the fact that Mike and I fulfilled each one.... helps to mute the raw hurt that is my heart.  A deep consolation that penetrates to my very core.  Its amazing that the vows from 25 years ago being fulfilled have this sweetness that is their gift to me now....when I am without Mike.
     One of my most precious and tender memories I have of Mike during his illness took place a few weeks before he died. He'd lost so much weight his wedding ring was falling off his finger. Mike had never removed it...not even once in all the years we'd been married.  We were talking about whether to tie yarn onto it or tape to make it fit and I reminded him that I had had his ring engraved on the inside and did he remember that ...and what it had said.  Mike did remember it had been engraved but neither of us were 100% sure what I'd had written.  So he took it off and we peered at the inscription. The irony was crushing.  Besottedly wearing my rose-colored glasses, I had engraved what I considered to be a truly romantic thought inside Mikes ring. I used our nicknames.  Mike sat in the recliner, hair pretty much gone, gauntness where strength had always reigned supreme, young ...so darn young....and I perched on the arm of the recliner while we both put on reading glasses and used a magnifying glass to read the inscription which said,  "Mr. Man -  TDDUP - Weasal".   Despite the overwhelming irony...which brought tears.  We also smiled through them and talked about how it was that we had fulfilled each of our vows.  Each one. To the last...to the TDDUP.  THAT moment....is etched permanently in my mind and heart.
        So Mikes plain, bent up, simple gold band wedding ring and the fact we'd fulfilled the traditional vows brings to me....11 months, two days, and 43 minutes since Mike died.... a feeling of gratitude.  Gratefulness toward God.  That we did, with His help and grace, persevere and fulfill those vows.  There's this feeling of thankfulness that actually wells up inside of me when I reflect upon it....that we did fulfill them. Each one.  So...on my personal journey, I discovered that there's two emotions that result from vow fulfillment.  Gratitude and thankfulness.  Both towards our Maker.  Who ultimately is the one who gets you through marriage....and why I believe He wants you to be equally yoked so that He may do so.
        Vows in marriage are like a strong and lasting wind.  Hurtful words and arguments and the parts of marriage that are tough....are like leaves that break off trees and swirl about briefly ...and then are  swept from view by the wind which blows sometimes gently....sometimes fiercely...but  is always in motion.

Meanderings....

August 21, 2014


Right now...feeling pretty okay.  Planning to jump out of a plane the day before Mikes' 55th birthday in a couple weeks.  (would've jumped ON his bday but the plane people won't fly that day).  Had tried to do this before...on our Silver Anniversary in March.  March 4th.  This year.  I gathered friends together and we drove out, excited I was!  But the cloud cover was "too dense" per the plane people and so they wouldn't let me do it.  So....I waited and figured I'd do it for Mikes Birthday to get my mind off it.  Yet...about a week ago...I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't.  I was feeling actually a bit fearful of doing it.  Before, in March...I think I was so depressed and sad that there was no fear involved in the entire idea of jumping out of a plane.  So I must be much less depressed. Maybe even thinking of my life ahead as something I'm interested in continuing :)....because it was scary to me and I thought....should I cancel.  Will that be okay.  What do I say to friends knowing I planned to jump...that I was now scared to?  But then...this morning, when I thought about the jump ahead...I was not really fearful "much"  (still a little bit just not as bad as last week).  And I think the jump is much more symbolic for me.  It will be starting out anew...afresh. Heading into the next chapter, not knowing what is in it, where it will lead, and if I will end up as a crash and burn and in more pain or flying high and soaring above life and feeling as airy and light as a bird.  I'm gonna bring a bit of Mike and let him soar with me.  (Haven't told the plane people of that plan :).  So there you go.  I think it is a good sign that I am a bit fearful now of maybe dying.  It means that I must've moved into a place beyond the one I was in back in March where I really didn't care if that happened other than that it would be a problem for the girls as they still "need me".  So....the end of my meandering musings for today.

It's awful

 August 12, 2014
Made up this song today as I was putting clean sheets and pillowcases on my bed this morning...

"It's awful, just awful. So very painful. Everyone will ask me everyday...How are You? Howya doin? Are you doing okay?  I smile. I saaaaaaay....           "I'm fine". 
But really...It's awful. It's horrible. I miss him so. It is sooooo paaaaaainful. But do you really need, for me to saaaay...It's awful,  just awful?  Should I honestly tell you right here and right now? Am I really to tell you and cry...here and now? Am I really to lose it, shed tears where we stand ...in the middle of a produce aisle stand?  So I smile.  And I say....I'm fine.  Each day. 
And even if you're quietly by my side with none around, and you ask with all the care that true friends feel.    Still I don't really want to cry.  Try to explain.  Have to ....define....awful.    Look it up. It's in the dictionary. Must I explain and define it for you?    Because... that's what... your look... says... to do.   Define it.  Explain it.  And that...ooooooohhhhhhh...well that.... is just more of awful, awful, awwwwwwful.
 Not that the caring,  of good friends.... isn't needed.  And truly appreciated.  For it is. ...it is.  It's not that I want to have this pain...I am in... and the walk I trudge..not mentioned in my presence... but ignored!!  That would be worse.   Sooooo, this rock and hard place is ...my.... curse.  Because ....it's awful.
  I had hoped to be inspirational. Truly in my faith ....for all.  To shine that the Lord...makes this grief so much less and so much betttttttttterrrrrrrr.  To show to the world that He makes it not sooooo...   ...awful.  But it is. And He didn't. It still is...awful.
True, being close again with Jesus after weeks of feeling distanced is soooooo much better than the distancing was for me.  Having all the emotional plexiglass between us break and shatter so that I feel Him hold me close...again...after weeks of not even wanting Him....makes this....easier. But it's easier...in a huge swimming pool of ... awful.  Having Him, feeling Him, Wanting Him, Loving Him, Trusting Him and Forgiving Him...truly is the best it's been.  Cause for months after Mike died I didn't have, or feel, or trust, forgive or want ....Him.  So it's such a huge true blessing to be past that phase of pain and hurt when not just Mike, but Jesus too was what I'd lost. But even now with Jesus at my side...it still remains...awful. Somehow better.  But I didn't move away....or out...of pain. Still in it ...even with Him. Painful, awful, horrible, awful, raw, angry, sad and awful pain...still remains.  So while I'm not the inspirational beacon of my dreams...back when I still had my other half of my being.  I can  say that without Him, the grief is ....let me stop, let me find the word, the perfect word to say....oh yes...it's  sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.... awfuller!   So though I fail unlike  Joan of Arc to be a beacon of His grace.   To inspire I probably do not. But I'm truthful. And in truth I know... the Lord IS good to Me. But still the truth remains...losing your best friend, your other half, your soul mate, your everything....is absolutely, totally, completely,  and has been for the past 10 months and 18 days....awful. 
   So now what.  Where does my song go?  Backward or sideways.  No forward I go.  What else can I do? Paralyzed by grief...is a phrase that now I understand.  But not a phrase for me!!!!!!!  And yet it'd beeeee...so verrrrry easy.  To fall into it, paralyze away.  But,  trudge away...trudge away...forward inch by inch. Some days it seems not so hard.
 Then like a wave from the pacific ocean I'm suddenly swamped, tumbling round, over sharp shells and even harder ground. The grief just swallows me up and there I am....gulping for air between sobs. Shaking my head at my God. Telling Him that He was WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrong. So verrrry verrry wrong. His decision was wrong. But it wasn't. This I know. So I deal with warring voices in my heart. Knowing intellectually that He is never wrong and He will make this life the better for me and Katie and Amie...somehow  ....don't know how...  without Mike. And I know Mike is happy.  Lucky dog. Lucky guy. Lucky Mister. Not by MY side. Someday...again I know I'll see him. So happy will that day be. But how long. Until then, I go....thankful that my God, my Jesus still stays by me even as I hurl my hurt back at Him.  That's the most inspirational that I can be....to tell you that He stays and somehow, not sure how exactly it is better than awful but it is...still awful...but somehow slightly less. So lift up this song of mine to Him and to my Mike....smile throught the tears. And say a prayer for Aunt Dorann, Vicki, Donna too.  They have lost their mates. And know this awful too.  Pray to Jesus help my precious Katie... and  my Amie -Lu. Comfort them and ease the pain they feel. Meet their needs. And help me....to mother, guide and be ...the person, gentle/kind/and wise...that my girls still need from me for me to be.  So there you go...how am I...awful, awful, awful....trudging by.  Holding fast.  To the Lord.  Thank HIM So...that He will not let go. (end of song)  
  

August 1, 2014
Chocolate.  With Kale....hmmm.  Not really that bad.  This is what life is like gluten free...more energy and "some" weight loss and definitely increased flexibility.  So...all is good. Physically, I am getting in much better shape. Emotionally...I am where I was with my entry of a few hours ago.  But putting things on paper....helpful.  I sent it off to a bunch of my family and friends.  Please feel totally free to punch it into your spam or trash folder when you get the note that I have a blog.  It really is only to tell you it exists...not to have you feel you must follow my meandering thoughts.  :).  But it seems kinda sad really...to have a blog and not tell anyone that I personally know.  Therefore....I am now checking off notifying those I care about that I have a blog off my to do list.  Again....no worries about actually having to read it! But hey....I may motivate some of you to do a blog. It's rather cathartic actually.  Maybe. I think. I'll know better after I get some sleep.  Recommendation for trudging thru life.....reading /listening (Amie got me the audiobook for the car)..."Mere Christianity" by CS Lewis.  Oh...any maybe trying some dried kale and chocolate!  Really not bad at all...after the first few bites.  :)

Life 101....again

July 31, 2014
Decided to change the title of my blog.  Not sure if I did it correctly...technology is not a user friendly animal. More like a saber-toothed tiger. Vicious and formidable to amateurs such as myself. But I understand it's a sweet kitten ...if you know how to push the right buttons. But I'm an amateur and probably will not get past the "nice kitty"-nervous stage with technology. Nuts & bolts remain unseen, unwelcome and misunderstood. But I am persevering in this whole blog attempt...hopefully I won't totally mess it up.   
   The reason I changed the title...too many thoughts crowding in.  And they're not always about this horrible journey of widowness.  So I will write the ones about grieving and being a widow...as well as my other mundane, extraordinary, ordinary and uniquely-Suz....thoughts.  But ...trudging through widow-ness  remains the focus of this entry.
    Today...it's been 10 months and 6 days since Mike died. And it remains absolutely horrible. Awful. And painful. Crying and hurting. And then....done. For sometimes hours. Going through life neither terribly happy or terribly unhappy.   Sometimes even laughing one moment and the next...spears of sadness might pierce through as my eyes light on something or my ears hear something ...that reminds me of Mike. I never know when, where or if it will happen. People around me don't even know when it happens. Only God is aware of the piercings....usually. Sometimes they're so deep and serrated that crying erupts involuntarity and potently...too potent to hide it from the girls.  Other times,  only the dog sees. Other times...only God. I sing songs.  To Mike.  To God.  I make up the words.  I push the curtain (its invisible but its there and it isn't a chasm...it's simply a curtain that the human bodily eye cannot see but...it's there.  Dividing me from Mike.  Me from God.  Me from Heaven. Hell on the other hand. It exists much further away than a mere invisible-to-the-human-eye curtain.  Which is good. Cause I don't see it in my minds eye.  But I do see the one dividing me from Mike...and from God.  And I see Mike parting it and Jesus with this kind and understanding look in His eyes watching ...and allowing ...Mike to do so.  And we talk.  Me mostly but Mike answers.  And I cry...and ask why?  Why?  Why Lord?  Why?  It's so not fair. It's so wrong.  And today....today was a bit different that the other days and the other questioning.
      Today...I had it imprinted upon my heart that I was to forgive.  Forgive the hospice nurse who was so incompetent and uncaring and awful in managing Mike's pain. Forgive her boss...also incompetent and cold when the whole visit and dying of Mike was all around them and so hard to get through...yet they were awful..cold and indifferent. Forgive them.  Forgive Mike for not quitting work before it was too late to have truly one on one time together.  Forgive myself...for everything I didn't do well enough to me for Mike.  And for putting grocery store runs and business stuff ahead of just dropping everything in life and spending every moment I could with Mike.  I just thought we'd have more time. I just....and that is what is hardest.  Forgiving God for not giving us more.  For snatching Mike. Snatching...not waiting until we were more ready to let go and give him over.  We knew we were going to have to.  But I wasn't done holding tightly onto Mike yet....not ready to let go.  And God snatched him from me....like a kid in a 2 year-old church nursery snatches a toy away from another 2 year-old who'se been talking with the teacher about why they should share...and let this other child have a turn with the toy.  And I was like that little child...almost... ready to let go. But not there yet.  And then God, You snatched him!!!!  You grabbed him right out of my hands! Like some mean little bully-like kid in a church nursery.  Mike was Snatched! Not given. And you were to wait until we were ready to "give".  And so I've done what every 2 year old does when a beloved toy is not let go of voluntarily but snatched from their hold...I've cried and screamed and yelled and stamped and begged for it back.   I think about how I used to lift my hands and sing to Jesus, "I surrender all".  And in my heart...I was willing to give everything I had to God. Everything...including Mike and the girls..and even my life.  But I was to "give it" eg: hand it over. Not have it or any of the it's I was willing to surrender...snatched!!!  I look at those singing the words to such songs today and shake my head at how they (and I) are so unbelievably naive as to what "conditions" we actually place upon the words we are singing.  "Conditions" of just how the "surrendering" is to occur.  We sure have them.  And don't even recognize that we do as we blithely sing away.  Naively unaware of how un-ready we are to truly surrender anything unless God handles the "taking" of it in our not-even-recognized-by-ourselves-way-He-should-do-that".
      But then there was today.  And today.... in the midst of raw, hurt and while wiping at tears...God thrust the thought into my mind that I was to forgive.  Forgive the Hospice nurse and nurses plural was the first thoughts that came.  Why I don't know. I wasn't particularly thinking about them even but just about missing Mike. But the need to forgive them was suddenly just...there. Then...the need was imprinted on my mind next that I was to also forgive God. Next...Mike. Lastly...Myself.
     So I talked it out loud.  Thought about it throughout the day.  And now...realize I am closer to Jesus through the understanding and attempt.  And that closeness to Jesus...that is what brings me closest to contentment.  I don't know when I'll get to actual joy.  But contentment....is good. So now...mixed in with the piercings of pain...are piercings of contentment.  Between it all...is neither terribly happy nor terribly sad.  Not exactly an indifference.  Just...not joy.  Which is actually something I used to have often.  Joy in Mike. Joy in the Lord. Joy in life. Joy in my daughters. Joy in Creation. Joy.  Crummyness too.  I wasn't living in utopia...pain, hurt, misery all mixed in there as well.  But I knew joy.  I did.  And I knew contentment.  So far...all these mentioned emotions are felt in life these days...but not joy.  So...at least I'm finding a bit of contentment poking into my heart at times.  That is good.  I know joy will come.
     Because another emotion I hadn't felt since Mike died came very very VERY briefly while I was driving down Abercorn Street a couple weeks ago.  It was like a vertical slit appeared in the view ahead of my car....and it separated open about 5 - 8 inches wide.  And as I looked at it...I felt well up inside me....optimism about my future!  I felt optimistic! For the first time since Mike had died.  An emotion that hadn't been felt was suddenly and vibrantly in me and I was so aware of it. And then...the slit closed and the feeling vanished.  But...I had felt it.  It was eye-opening. First, to recognize that I hadn't felt the emotion called optimism since Mike had died was a whole epiphany in itself.  Then to understand that I had felt it....and that it was now gone.  Was another.  Last...to realize that I felt the whole experience was a God given little sliver of hope.  Cause it hasn't returned.  But the memory remains...and the hope that it will...is (sigh)...well...it's helpful.  Good.  It is a good thing to have had happen.  I mentioned it to a friend who had lost her husband two years ago (they'd been separated for many years beforehand).  She shared that when she looked at the expanse of her life ahead of her..she just felt bleakness.  It was good to know I was not alone. For whenever I thought about my future without Mike....I too had seen only bleakness. Bleak is painful.  The definitiion of bleak according to Webster is "cold; cutting; unsheltered; harsh; not cheerful; gloomy; dreary; pale; treeless; bare and wan; not promising or hopeful. "  THAT is what losing half of your heart is like. What life is like as you go through it... walking and breathing. Looking normal to those about you...yet with this gaping, oozing wound. This raw stump existing where half my body used to be.  And my future .... as I walk through the present feeling that wound...seems so very very very bleak.
     So yes... incredible hope sprang into me when I saw that slit and felt that pang...and recognized it as...Optimism!   Wow.  To again view life ahead optimistically. Wow. This is good.  It hasn't reappeared again within me but I have hope.  As I look ahead at a bleak future...I have hope.  And I have spears of contentment that shoot through here and there.  And I feel myself held more and more in the Lords hands.  So...10 months and 6 days...this is where I am.  Whether my next entry will be about grieving or ...just thoughts.  I don't know. But maybe..I will, down the road, realize I've written an entry completely overflowing with both optimism and joy.

Unshared Swan Song

January 20, 2014

I am 54...just turned really. And my first birthday since I was 26 that wasn't celebrated with Mike beside me. Because he just died....3 months and 26 days ago. Our world turned inside out seven months ago with a cancer diagnosis that came out of nowhere. And despite chemo and being a man who made Rambo look like PeeWee Herman, Mike ....died. It still is unbelievable really. This blog...this is about me. About existing, living, and trudging through a life without my soulmate. When I looked at other blogs by widows, many appear stuck in bitterness and awfulness even years later. Not helpful. I don't want to be them. Yet I understand them. But I have a faith in Jesus. Which means I can't be stuck forever in this despair....can I? So...I figured I would share the up, down and sideways of my particular trudge through this mire called widowhood in the hope it may help others who find themselves abruptly thrust onto this particular and very empty, lonely, rocky detour that I am on. One that I so did not expect to come to so soon on this earthly pilgrimage that was delightfully being shared with a man God gave me as my mate when I was 29 years old. I had swans atop our wedding cake 24 years and 10 months ago. Irony reigns. Swans die when their mate gets killed. I thought the two crystal swans atop our cake were symbolic of our love, not reflective of how I would feel now...mate less and understanding why the swan that remains after it's mate gets killed or dies...also goes off and dies. Not that I am suicidal...but I "get" the swan.

 Now...to digress a bit.  Because this is the start of my bloggings.  Some may wonder why I so "totally get" a swan.   To understand...you have to go back to 3 months ago, and then to 2months ago. Others may believe that they, thru personal journeys of their own...already get the how and why of swan analogies and metaphors.  In which case, you may not feel any need to read earlier writings to enjoy the later ones of this blog. You don't read the whole book...but skim till you find the chapter that does hold your interest.  And skimming is still better than never opening the book at all. It still allows you to get the "gist".  And gists can have an impact....albeit a diluted one.   Like a breeze is to a hurricane.... Gists leave you lightly touched...not soaking wet and torn. So not reading the prequel to this blog doesn't mean the rest of the story-unfolding isn't worth your time.  Because....I kind of hope...down deep...that sitting here typing away might have some teeeeeny, positive or helpful impact...maybe?  on someone? somewhere? sometime?  And won't be merely a
Me, Myself and God convo. Though that is not a bad thing either :).
          So I will start my mental meanderings along this black and white, New-Times-Roman-font, non-brick road (called blogging). Any wishing to know the prequel can find it by clicking to open a new tab/window, type caringbridge.org in the search bar.  Find Michael Schulz.  Click and read.   
 Now...to two specific people...I issue an authoritative directive that you are to read the prequel... on a when-you-someday-feel-like -you-can-timeframe. (Yes...hitler-ish. But it is what it is...and it IS an authoritative directive! So I call it the way I see it). It is the rare but powerful pulling of the "Mom-Moment". For you two lovely ladies...there will be no skimming on my blog entries either. :). You two are to....find the pearls. Don't miss them. Dig them out of the mud and grist of sentences, shine them up...and hold them close. Just as incredible pressure upon iron ore forms diamonds, it is through journeys and life experiences carried out "in Him" that the Lord creates His pearls (of wisdom). While I am certainly no awesome fount of wisdom, He has placed within my musings, reflections, and meanderings.... pearls. And they are my most lasting gift to you two. Obviously, I never got into wearing the ones from oysters...they sit unworn for decades now in my jewelery boxes. Those belonged to Mom and Nana. So they hold sentimental value only & remain unworn. But..the pearls I truly treasure are worn daily.  Sometimes I just need to shine them up because I allow them to get dulled by the distractions of time and work and schedules and deadlines and such. It is these pearls...that I want to pass on to you two...even though you must search for and dig them out of my posts. For they're so there. God Given. And not to be cast before swine. :)