Meanderings....

August 21, 2014


Right now...feeling pretty okay.  Planning to jump out of a plane the day before Mikes' 55th birthday in a couple weeks.  (would've jumped ON his bday but the plane people won't fly that day).  Had tried to do this before...on our Silver Anniversary in March.  March 4th.  This year.  I gathered friends together and we drove out, excited I was!  But the cloud cover was "too dense" per the plane people and so they wouldn't let me do it.  So....I waited and figured I'd do it for Mikes Birthday to get my mind off it.  Yet...about a week ago...I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't.  I was feeling actually a bit fearful of doing it.  Before, in March...I think I was so depressed and sad that there was no fear involved in the entire idea of jumping out of a plane.  So I must be much less depressed. Maybe even thinking of my life ahead as something I'm interested in continuing :)....because it was scary to me and I thought....should I cancel.  Will that be okay.  What do I say to friends knowing I planned to jump...that I was now scared to?  But then...this morning, when I thought about the jump ahead...I was not really fearful "much"  (still a little bit just not as bad as last week).  And I think the jump is much more symbolic for me.  It will be starting out anew...afresh. Heading into the next chapter, not knowing what is in it, where it will lead, and if I will end up as a crash and burn and in more pain or flying high and soaring above life and feeling as airy and light as a bird.  I'm gonna bring a bit of Mike and let him soar with me.  (Haven't told the plane people of that plan :).  So there you go.  I think it is a good sign that I am a bit fearful now of maybe dying.  It means that I must've moved into a place beyond the one I was in back in March where I really didn't care if that happened other than that it would be a problem for the girls as they still "need me".  So....the end of my meandering musings for today.