I keep seeing in my minds eye a drawing of a nest, no eggs...no little birdies inside. And two birds perched on the rim eyeing the emptyness within and a cocked eyebrow at each other with the wordless question, "Now what?" in the air. And the air always had a sense of anticipation and excitement in the drawing I had in my minds eye. But now...there is only one bird perched on the rim of the recently emptied nest and the expression hardly holds anticipation.
This is a tough couple weeks. Katie finally got the post college graduation job she deserved...in Tennessee. So only a few states away. But the whole thing happened like a tornado. She'd put in a resume online. Got the call stating interest and how soon can she interview. She and I went up to TN a few days later, she was told she had the job a few days after our return, we returned a few days after that to get her an apartment and again, a few days later again, to move her in to said apartment. Truly a whirlwind. Suddenly...she's gone. And Amie remains at her job in FL for the rest of the year. And suddenly....and I mean "suddenly" I am whammed into the empty nest. Without Mike.
I knew this was coming. Actually encouraged the girls to continue with their lives and get those post graduation jobs and move out and start their own lives. Because they should! That is what parenting is about....seeing your children become independant of you and able to survive on their own and make their own way and have "their" lives. But it still sucks. (Yes I hate that word. Yet there is not another that ever comes to mind to convey how sucky ucky and yucky....not having Mike and dealing with life without him has been like without deteriorating into sobs and painful adjectives such as "raw, bloody anguish". So....will stick with how life feels like a giant sinkhole has swallowed me up and I can't climb out and know I should and am angry, hurt and very very bewildered... that I am sitting in a sinkhole to begin with. And there are times you just want the earth to cover the dang think up with you inside and be where there is no more of the pain. To be in heaven with the Lord and with Mike! I'd be done with the whole "gotta climb out" deal.
Depression. Not really a major force going on in my heart. It's actually just anguishing pain. And anger. With little toe dips into depression....the shallow ripples is all. Not where I'm in over my head drowing in it like those such as Robin Williams and others who actually do the worst thing possible and least trusting in the Lord thing that there is in this world...and take their own lives.
Nope. I'm gonna live mine. Not necessarily thrilled or excited about it though. But I will live it.
And in time...hopefully be happy.
There's so many things that I could do. Teach ESL oversees. Go on a Mission Trip. Do Cruise Ship Nursing. Look into Dialysis Cruise Nursing and retraining for that specific type of cruise. Do travel nursing. Enter the Peace Corps. .Become a Missionary. Or just...volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. Lose weight and go on Jenny Craig or start doing Zumba daily. Read. Sell the house. Sell everything! Move far away. Move closer to the girls. Move back to California to help out with my Mom. Or.....Move to a 3rd world country! I heard they're very affordable. Sell vs Keep ...the house....the business. Run it myself or...Let someone else run it for me. Whatever should I do????
I remember when Mike and I needed a new stove and I told him I wanted one with only a few knobs. Not the hightech-can't figure them out with all the various buttons and bows on them- ones. I like things simple. Too many choices are not a good thing. I don't like even menus with too many choices...simple is better. Too many options just leaves you floundering. Even the gameshow Let's Make A Deal knew not to put more than 3 doors out a time. There's so many choices that I can't decide on anything.... At least, that's what it feels like for me.
I know Amie will return for a time next year. So I should maybe not sell anything quite yet...that decision is one that is at least made. I'll wait another year or so...maybe.
I am still quite angry at both Mike and God sometimes. There are unfinished conversations with Mike. I'm upset that between Mike and his workaholic tendencies and God with His sped-up timeframe, we didn't get to have those conversations. I need some of them so badly. But...the opportunities were squelched by so many other things crowding their way into the little bit of time we had left. So I am left with unanswered questions and unmet reassurances...about alot of things.
I wish our marriage had been on a perfect "high" when he found out he was sick. It was on a "good" foundation. Just before he died...it moved back to a "great" foundation. But...it was a different "great". Tinged with other aspects that made it unlike the earlier times of Great or times before in our marriage when we had been on actual "fantastic" footing together. But the road of marriage is very very hard. Marriage and Parenting are the two hardest things you will ever have to do in this life...in my opinion. Yet the two most worthwhile. Communication and, even above that...showing that you actually "value" or "treasure" one another....are the most basic needs in each. And you can roll the top need into ...communicating to the other that they are valued by you. That is my regret with Mike...too many times and in too many arguments did he not see that. Knowing the times he did...doesn't make it easier to deal with the realization that there were so many when he didn't. I actually need to remember the times when he was not the perfect husband and he was not the one showing value so that it is a bit easier to handle the times when the one un-valuing the other was me. Cause Mike was definitely the one "valued" best. And yet....I still wonder...sometimes. And I especially wonder if he really knew....how much I treasured him. That is something I wish on no one else. And I now understand why my friend, Carla, who'se husband had died when they were both 50, spent so much of her time with me encouraging me and every other wife she knew to "value" your husband. Because you don't want to be living a life without him...wondering ...did he? ....throughout all those many many many many years together.... just how much you did. It's the greatest gift you can ever give to one you love. Forget hallmark cards. Forget gifts. Forget everything other than recognizing and doing something with the chances given you (that you are probably squandering) that would make them realize that this person holds such immense and priceless value to you. As a person..as a mate...as a child.
For me, I was in both relationships...parenting and marriage...and saw both through eyes blurred by pain and exhaustion and hurt in between the times of joy, laughter and hugs and love. The times when I had to drag a physically and/or emotionally drained self back to the other person in the relationship because I "knew" I was to persist in smoothing it out and forcing out of the muck we were in the design for it that I knew in my heart God would want for it... is beyond tiring. Far far easier to clam up and just let the other "do whatever" so that you can tend to the "you" in the relationship. Which is the problem with parenting today. Parents aren't willing to expend the perseverence ...the exhausting perseverence that is required. And Satan has ensured with the two income family that the line to exhaustion is much much shorter than ever before in our history. And marriage and parenting require such unselfishness. Because you can't give into the exhaustion and be "okay" with not going the extra mile to smooth things out with the hubby or lovingly enforce the required discipline needed with a child. I remember wanting at times to just "let it go" at times with parenting....when they'd answer back in "that tone of voice" or was disrespectful in some other manner. It's exhausting to keep having to "parent". Persistence in the face of exhaustion... is true parenting. "Let it Go" is the selfish persons road to parenting. Yet...the world will tell you to "let it go"..."take care of yourself"...."focus on the big things" etcetera. In life. In marriage. In parenting. But...nowhere in the Bible are those things found. God doesn't tell you to "take care of yourself". Unselfishness is His Goal for us. Hence....he gave me kids. He doesn't say "focus on the big things" but He is concerned with the most minute aspects of our feelings and hopes and dreams. And this is where I failed sometimes in marriage. Spending more concern on the we-isms of what is best instead of focusing on the him-isms of what Mike sometimes needed from his mate. His BFF. His rib .
So.....while I muddle through this muddy thing called living in a house all by myself without kids and...without Mike. I think I may have to get some others insights into how they coped. So I have signed up for a grief support group for those who've lost spouses. Since there is such a huge difference in the loss of Mike after 25 years of marriage and 30 years of best friendom than from what it was like for me when I lost my Dad, Grandparents, Friends, and even the miscarriage. So... I'll see what this is like and if it is of help. And I will still occassionally blog out my meandering thought processes on the ultimate journey that I am on...which is life. I realllllly need to get out there and do some sort of volunteering. I am leaning toward soup kitchens. Maybe driving meals on wheels. Again....I want to but...I also feel stuck in the mud as to the actual implenmentation of anything.
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