It's awful

 August 12, 2014
Made up this song today as I was putting clean sheets and pillowcases on my bed this morning...

"It's awful, just awful. So very painful. Everyone will ask me everyday...How are You? Howya doin? Are you doing okay?  I smile. I saaaaaaay....           "I'm fine". 
But really...It's awful. It's horrible. I miss him so. It is sooooo paaaaaainful. But do you really need, for me to saaaay...It's awful,  just awful?  Should I honestly tell you right here and right now? Am I really to tell you and cry...here and now? Am I really to lose it, shed tears where we stand ...in the middle of a produce aisle stand?  So I smile.  And I say....I'm fine.  Each day. 
And even if you're quietly by my side with none around, and you ask with all the care that true friends feel.    Still I don't really want to cry.  Try to explain.  Have to ....define....awful.    Look it up. It's in the dictionary. Must I explain and define it for you?    Because... that's what... your look... says... to do.   Define it.  Explain it.  And that...ooooooohhhhhhh...well that.... is just more of awful, awful, awwwwwwful.
 Not that the caring,  of good friends.... isn't needed.  And truly appreciated.  For it is. ...it is.  It's not that I want to have this pain...I am in... and the walk I trudge..not mentioned in my presence... but ignored!!  That would be worse.   Sooooo, this rock and hard place is ...my.... curse.  Because ....it's awful.
  I had hoped to be inspirational. Truly in my faith ....for all.  To shine that the Lord...makes this grief so much less and so much betttttttttterrrrrrrr.  To show to the world that He makes it not sooooo...   ...awful.  But it is. And He didn't. It still is...awful.
True, being close again with Jesus after weeks of feeling distanced is soooooo much better than the distancing was for me.  Having all the emotional plexiglass between us break and shatter so that I feel Him hold me close...again...after weeks of not even wanting Him....makes this....easier. But it's easier...in a huge swimming pool of ... awful.  Having Him, feeling Him, Wanting Him, Loving Him, Trusting Him and Forgiving Him...truly is the best it's been.  Cause for months after Mike died I didn't have, or feel, or trust, forgive or want ....Him.  So it's such a huge true blessing to be past that phase of pain and hurt when not just Mike, but Jesus too was what I'd lost. But even now with Jesus at my side...it still remains...awful. Somehow better.  But I didn't move away....or out...of pain. Still in it ...even with Him. Painful, awful, horrible, awful, raw, angry, sad and awful pain...still remains.  So while I'm not the inspirational beacon of my dreams...back when I still had my other half of my being.  I can  say that without Him, the grief is ....let me stop, let me find the word, the perfect word to say....oh yes...it's  sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.... awfuller!   So though I fail unlike  Joan of Arc to be a beacon of His grace.   To inspire I probably do not. But I'm truthful. And in truth I know... the Lord IS good to Me. But still the truth remains...losing your best friend, your other half, your soul mate, your everything....is absolutely, totally, completely,  and has been for the past 10 months and 18 days....awful. 
   So now what.  Where does my song go?  Backward or sideways.  No forward I go.  What else can I do? Paralyzed by grief...is a phrase that now I understand.  But not a phrase for me!!!!!!!  And yet it'd beeeee...so verrrrry easy.  To fall into it, paralyze away.  But,  trudge away...trudge away...forward inch by inch. Some days it seems not so hard.
 Then like a wave from the pacific ocean I'm suddenly swamped, tumbling round, over sharp shells and even harder ground. The grief just swallows me up and there I am....gulping for air between sobs. Shaking my head at my God. Telling Him that He was WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrong. So verrrry verrry wrong. His decision was wrong. But it wasn't. This I know. So I deal with warring voices in my heart. Knowing intellectually that He is never wrong and He will make this life the better for me and Katie and Amie...somehow  ....don't know how...  without Mike. And I know Mike is happy.  Lucky dog. Lucky guy. Lucky Mister. Not by MY side. Someday...again I know I'll see him. So happy will that day be. But how long. Until then, I go....thankful that my God, my Jesus still stays by me even as I hurl my hurt back at Him.  That's the most inspirational that I can be....to tell you that He stays and somehow, not sure how exactly it is better than awful but it is...still awful...but somehow slightly less. So lift up this song of mine to Him and to my Mike....smile throught the tears. And say a prayer for Aunt Dorann, Vicki, Donna too.  They have lost their mates. And know this awful too.  Pray to Jesus help my precious Katie... and  my Amie -Lu. Comfort them and ease the pain they feel. Meet their needs. And help me....to mother, guide and be ...the person, gentle/kind/and wise...that my girls still need from me for me to be.  So there you go...how am I...awful, awful, awful....trudging by.  Holding fast.  To the Lord.  Thank HIM So...that He will not let go. (end of song)