20 months....

          It still seems wrong somehow.  That life without Mike remains so very, very, very hard and awful for me.
         I think it's because of my being a Christian.  I "feel" as if I should be much further along...much more "past" the overwhelming grief and sense of loss that remains with me.  I'm better.  I'm no longer drowning.  I'm even walking on firm ground...not sand.  And it is because of being a christian.
          God IS in control.  He DOES have something else for me (and...by the way.... that something else doesn't have to be a man.  It could be service. friends. being His hands. it can be so many things).
           My problem isn't in knowledge. I "know" a lot. It's that knowledge, even heart knowledge, is not a magic eraser.
          The wonderful in all the awful.... is that  God and I are entwined again.  Because it is impossible to describe what that feels like to those who have not experienced the Holy Spirit,  I won't try.  But THAT relationship...that closeness....ahhhhhhhhhhh.  Tears will start when I focus on it. And it has been so much more treasurable (if that's a word)  because it was so absent, fought for and sought after....for so many of the past months!   I had this relationship before Mike got sick. While Mike was sick.  Right after Mike died.  And then it just slipped and fell away... sinking like a lead balloon into depths where I couldn't even see Him.  Leaving only a tremendously long, skinnnnnny  thread tethering my heart to Him.
          While initially I didn't care to even look at the thread, gradually I longed to have that relationship again.  And for many months, I pulled on it, trying to restore and strengthen and SHORTEN that tie that bound me to Him.  SOOOO relieved to have it restored to its nearly former self am I.
         And then there's the other work my heart had to do along with the above. Live without Mike and survive it emotionally.
         When I was younger, and had romances that didn't last or friends with romances that did and then...broke up.  I was told that it takes half the length of the relationship before you're "over it".  But then...that info was from the 1970's worldly pop-psychiatry.
        God wasn't in their equation:   relationship-duration-in-months divided by 2.   Because if He was...then that equation leaves me wallowing in pain for another 13 1/2 years!
       On top of working to restore the ultimate "tie that binds" to my Lord....and emotionally deal with not having my other half...I have had to deal with all the other "ties" that make up my life. And it can be exhausting. People tie me in knots too....not intentionally...it's just life.  So many threads and ties to handle...and I basically felt more like a tangled up mess more often than not.  
         But still....better am I than my earlier blog posts.  And yet...worse at the same time.  I swear I am such an oxymoron!
         This second year is so different and so much worse..in just a truly different way. It is that  bottom line reality Mike really is ....GONE.  Absent .  From everything.  From all the little things! Grocery lists, Meal planning, Meal eating, bill paying, vacation-making, repair-ing, automobile caring, income helping, bed sharing, text-receiving, phone calling, life-planning, conversation sharing.  My life is so full of things to do and people to see.  And totally empty at the same time.
         Simply put..it sucks that Mike is not hear to share my myriad of moments.  Because he always did...for 25 years of marriage and 5 years of being "best buds" before that. Some of my best memories are when we shared with each other ...the things that happened during the moments we were apart!   I really miss the  "how was your day's?"  And coming home to Mike.
         Nowadays, when I open the door it is only Gizmo,  holding his leash in his mouth and vigorously wagging his tail, who greets me. Next Kiara will come over to rub against my legs and meow, quite loudly, for food. I set my keys down next to the fishbowls where both fish swim to the surface....hoping for food.
             Thank the good Lord for these critters.   I highly recommend everyone has a living creature in your home at all times.  Even just a fish :).   Something else that is alive!!
             Because I type as my thoughts come....this thought just came.  I so get the need to create "Wilson" from a soccer ball in that movie, Castaway,  to keep sane.  Next  thought =  but...you'd hope an island would at least have lizards or birds or something alive beyond just a soccer ball !
             Moving on.  I did a dis-service in my blog before when I said the books I received on dealing with grief during the first few weeks after Mikes death....weren't helpful.  They weren't.  At first. I was too ensconced in my own pain to want to read about the pain felt by others.  And most were such thick tomes!  But....in this SECOND year, they help!  I am going through the thinner volumes first :).  But I plan to work my way up to the really thick tomes.  Currently I'm on the medium thick book, "Healing after Loss- Daily Meditations for working through Grief".   It has some day reads that are perfectly on point.  Others that are...hmmm, not really helpful.  But I'm finding its good to have a go to each day that takes just a moment and hones in on what my life is wrestling with right now.
                The other book is "God's healing for Life's Losses. How to find hope when you're hurting". Really good.  I loved reading today that comfort used to mean "co-fortifying".  Eg: Someone else fortifying you with their strength.  And that the word, en-couraged, meant having courage poured into you from an outside source.
               I've had that happen to me! I am so grateful. While I do like these books, the Bible is like a precious, tender friend. It gives me such comfort...just to hold it even without opening it. One of the "other book" authors wrote....
              "Comfort experiences the presence of God in the presence of suffering- a presence that empowers me to survive scars and plants the seeds of hope that I will yet thrive. "  Then this author shared that he wasn't necessarily thriving but rather limping...but at least he was no longer retreating!".
              Well.  There I am in a nutshell.  Limping forward!!!!!  Yay.  It IS an accomplishment. While my biggest hope is, like that authors....to thrive well.  I know I am not thriving well yet.  But...I am doing better.  Because I have only one loss that I am dealing with this second year.  Mike.  Not both Mike and god.  So....yay for that.  And I know that given more time (thinkin LOTS more time)...MY limp will go away too.
               So this is to be a positive post.  Because I am...actually feeling positive in "this" moment.