turning a page...or two...or not.

Maybe, and it is a big "maybe"...  I'm finally ready to read some of the books on grief that friends gave me in the weeks after Mike died.  I got several. Between  the insanity which was life during those immediate weeks following Mikes passing, and...the myriad crazy of emotions which followed those weeks... the thought of reading other people's "wise counsel" (whether wise only in their own estimation was something I wondered. For grief varies I believe because the who that died, the extent they occupied your life, the how's of their interactions with you and...the way they die...are not the same from one person to the next. Knowing that and trying to survive being ripped in two left me eyeing them with painful distaste. I've no desire to be a masochist. No desire to add to to the knives  tearing into my heart. But,  there was one book. I did read one.  A Christian pastor wrote of  what he'd gone through in his walk with God and in his life after losing his wife.  I liked it. But there was a specific reason that caused me to read it.  THIN!  It was a blessedly skinny little book. It took only a few hours to read it. But all the other ones...fat devotionals.  Thick hardcover books relating how one grows through suffering.  Heavy and large books relating the journeys of others...who probably have little in common with my own circumstances. Those ones... remained on the shelf. Gathering dust.          For 18 months.
       A couple days ago, I actually looked again at those books. Read each title on each dusty spine. Because Michael's mom asked if I had any books to donate to a charity several days ago.  So... I went to my bookshelf...long ignored. Ugh!  So darn fat they still are!  But one book caught my eye . I pulled it off the shelf. Pretty skinny.   Could be described as actually  starving compared to the others. I opened to the  table of contents.  Hmmm.
    Maybe. It now resides on my bedside table. A step closer to possibly being read.   Emotionally, I am still not sure if I'll read it.  Physically, I am so  aware of so many other physical demands on my time.  There are other books still waiting on that same bedside table to be read.  Intellectually, I know I "should maybe sort of ...probably" read it.
       This past week has been unusually tough. Unexpectedly. Lots of crying. The memory triggers are EVERYWHERE . All I want is to retreat from the world. But that.. has been almost impossible. One day. Just one!  One day where I can stay in pajamas, and not have to talk or see or deal with anyone or anything!  Impossible. I tried. But...the rental house would abruptly have a repair need. Or a phone call would come with a need I had to meet immediately. Or business issues reared their head...go to the bank, make this call, answer this email. Bring this tool here Drive there.  Every day, something.     Frustration mixed with depression.  The past week has derailed my diet .  But only some. It's not crushed. I actually don't  care. I know I will get the motivation back...so continue to not care so much. A hiccup.
 I think the trip to Japan accompanied the day after my return by the car accident which then necessitated repeated visits to Dr's and chiropractors and car dealerships and so much "ugh" which came when I was already  3 weeks behind in rental business and emails and snail mail  plus the usual"daily life" hamster wheel ...simply threw me.
      Emotionally and stress-wise. Maybe those are reasons behind why these past two weeks have been so bad.
    I talked with Amie. She's having it too. Not sure why our unexpected painful recalls and rut in our paths of grief have coincided...but they have. Praying for her.  And Katie.  And...I then throw me into the prayer at the end. So MANY memories.
     I did find a source of encouragement from a person  I never expected would have inspired me. There's this little magazine I've subscribed to for years. Another of the "need to read" items on that aforementioned bedside table ;). I've always loved it. It's been inspiring me ever since I first came to Christ with heart held open at age 19. In fact, that little monthly magazine had a lot to do with my realization that "something" was "missing" in my own life and relationship with Jesus.  It's called Guideposts.
       So here I am reading a recent issue .  They're easy reads!  Full of stories that take only 5-10 minutes.  The perfect lunch break or bathroom read :). In this issue was a story that shared about a woman who daily prayed the same prayer passed down to her by her Mom. Each morning  after
waking, she prayed,   "Lord Jesus, thank you for what has been (in my life) .  Thank you for what is now (in my life). Thank you for what will be (in my life).          
     The surprise wasn't that an article in Guidepost had inspired me. That's pretty commonplace. It was that the author of that story, the one who daily said that prayer...was Carrie Ann Inaba. A judge on Dancing with the Stars. Not only did I get reminded in that prayer of all I have to be grateful for...but that I reluctantly admit I didn't expect her to be a Christian of strong faith. I judged  based on the shows costumes and an industry that doesn't always  reek of modesty :).
        Yet,  Carrie Ann Inaba gave me a prayer that I copied down, put on the dash of my car, and look at every day.
        I recognize that I desperately need Jesus. Always. But specially now...this day. I So love Him. So grateful He loves more. And .... I recognize I am tiptoeing around depression. Not just grief. Not just pain.  Not just sadness.
     Sigh.  What to do.  Could start taking the acai supplements. A two week stint has always helped in the past when I felt this way.  Okay...will do that. But...The long term answer is more of Jesus ...far more.   His hug. The Holy Spirit. My Father. Ahhhhh.  Just typing out my need brings a wave of adoration and His warmth kindled. But....it remains like waves that wash over you and then return to the sea.  Only to wash over you again...and then receed...again.  But  faith and our relationship with God is not to be based upon feelings. I know that. Satan can sway feelings. But I don't want waves. What I want...is submersion. And unless I can be like Job, Elijah, Samuel, Elisha or my Lord....I will not come close. I can hope to come as close as David, or Peter. those apostles were flawed. Reassuring. Sometimes even... I am far too much like Thomas (which I hate to admit).  But even he remained true unto death. Again....Reassuring. :)
        So...off to get an acai capsule. I probably should look into volunteering to get my mind off of me, if I can see where to fit that in right now. I love sporadic volunteer opportunities. Those are flexible and can fit my life much more easily than a weekly commitment. Those don't work well within the whirlwind vortex of unpredictability that is my life right now. Maybe...I will open that book on my bedside table to chapter one. And the best thing would be if I get better at opening the
best 26 books that exist under the sun....those in the Bible.  So much improving to be done. It's ironic that the path to the one which will have the biggest effect...involves opening a very, very. fat book. 26 chapters!  Gotta love irony. Lol

Seasonal confusion

Why can't I be reallllly happy deep down?  I used to be.  I know I hit superficial smiley happy times lots these days. You can go through my camera pics and see laughter and smiles.  But....the contentment kind of deep happiness that only comes from the Lord...I often have.  But it is in waves.  Like I'm on the sand and the waves wash up, over...and then receed.  Leaving me on hot sand with eyes burning from the salt water and the glare that comes from not having sunglasses.
     Mike was a definite sun shield from the glare. He wasn't the wave.  That was the Lord. But when the wave receeded, Mike kept me in the shade.
     I doubt anyone else can even understand this convoluted analogy.  But it works for me.
     There's alot of weddings and signs of spring right now.  Which is great.  And I love Spring.  But it seems like its so brief anymore.  Hot Hot Hot days crowd in much sooner.  I want the rain.  And it is only the beginning of April. But..hoping for some rain.  Those days....fit me better. A little bit of gray.  The comfort that comes from hearing raindrops.  Curling up in a warm blanket.  I get a bit of sad mixed with comfort mixed with seeing His creation and it mixes more soothingly.  More soothingly than the past days with sunshine that is hot. Skys that are really blue.  And days that just make the missing of Mike more stark. So the seasons that used to four distinct seasons...seem to be morphing more and more into just two...winter and summer.  It's like being back growing up in California.  I love the seasons.  And I just plain hate being without Mike.  Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate!
      The missing is worse in the mornings and at night. Which of course :)...is when I decide to write in this blog.  The middle of the days are so crowded with things to do that it doesn't always register that he is gone.  Because he was always at work in the middle of the day. Weekends though....suck.  Nights........pretty bad.  Mornings.....often the worst because you just realize after waking that it is another day.
       Sometimes, I would like to just move away.  Start over.  Do something....anything... DIFFERENT!   But my life, this business, even the girls...seem to have me in a mode where I really cannot do anything super abruptly or different.  And there is another part of me that doesn't want to change the life that I had with Mike.  It's just so confusing. I no longer like Nursing and this traffic accident which killed my car, sprained my ankle and back/neck and now has left me dealing with a tendonitis...makes me even less enthused about going back to Nursing and super long hallways where doing the 10,000 steps/day that Fit Bit is so excited about you accomplishing...really simple. So do I quit (not that I work much anyways as its only very part time.  Running the Vacation Rental Business takes up way more than 40 hrs /week). Or do I quit and go do the occassional blast but which makes a blast of money...like travel nursing or strike nursing or something like that?  Or..Peace Corps?  Or just move to Ecuador and rent out stuff long term?  Or...buy a little condo or something close to the girls and still....move away, do Peace Corps or.....something.
      Sigh.
       The life I'm living right now...this minute...has been pretty meaningless in the Big Picture.  But the vacation rentals/repairs/landscaping/maintenance...maintenance...maintenance and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning plus even the bit of nursing that I do have to do...mixed with all usual mundane things of life (vacuming, dishes, laundry, pet care etc)...make everything SO busy that there isn't even time to figure out what I should do.
       Lord....give me guidance.  Direct my steps.  Lead me.  Show me.  And could you do it like watching a slide show of what I'm to do all the while with me just able to sit in your lap?  I feel like I am in a convoluted mud puddle that I'm suppossed to get out of  (hopefully...cause its crummy living in mud)...but not sure which direction has the solid ground to enable me to get some footing.