But..."of course" they had to send me to the hospital that I don't like...I sign up for St J but....there are two of them I work at and though I try not to go to the other...they still can send me. So sent I went..to the one Mike was admitted to for 3 of his 4 hospitalizations during his four month battle with cancer. And, "of course", I ended up having to wheel my patient down to CT Scan. Then came the non "of course" parts of my shift. The unexpected and heart painful part. All because transporters won't remain in CT for the 5 minutes it takes to scan a patient. My overweight patient and the bed were simply too heavy and unwieldy for me to push back to the ICU on my own. It wasn't the wait itself. It wasn't even the dismay of being another hour further behind on my "other two critical patients" . But I had to move my patient and her bed to the empty Ultrasound waiting area across the hall in Radiology area to get out of the way for actual CT Scan patients still coming. That was the part that turned Valentines Day into such a "pain". THAT ultrasound waiting area. Where Mike was first taken. That one...where he had the ultrasound on the neck lymph node which had popped up seemingly overnight. THE same area. The one where Mike lay as he overheard the insensitive techncian calling the Doctor on the phone with the words "never seen anything like this!"..."full of cancer!"...and "it was everywhere".
I was in THAT room. With all those memories rushing in. And it was Valentines Day.
The clock ticked down 45 minutes of waiting. Not only was I almost an hour further behind on my other two critical patients that I had in the ICU, but I was not able to leave that room. I had my patient on the heart monitor, a non-rebreather oxygen mask and tank and....she was not the stablest of patients. So the option to "get out of there" wasn't an option. After requests that one of the CT techs help push my patient back failed...I finally called ICU and a nurse came down to help me. And I finally left THAT room.
So... fun holiday. It does explain one more reason I don't want to work much as an RN. At least...not here. Maybe on a cruise ship :). That could be interesting! Ha....my favorite word. "Interesting". It's my definite "go to" answer when diplomacy is required....How was it? "It was interesting". What'd you think of her?...of him?" "He...she was definitely...interesting". When my reaction to a personality or action by a personality (that jars with mine) is requested....I'll usually say.... "Well, she's/he's definitely an interesting one".
It's my Suzie-fied-version of the southern quip, "bless your heart". When I moved to North Carolina back in '92, it took me a few years to finally figure out (after being the object of several "bless your hearts" by one obnoxious EMT who never wanted to follow my directives when on an ambulance run)...that adding "bless your / her /his heart" to any negative comment, turns that comment into a disguised insult. Not that my use of the word "interesting" means I am insulting the object in question when I use that word! Because some of the time...the actions and reactions of people truly are.... interesting! Bless their hearts!
Wondering now if anyone can even follow that meandering train of thought :).
Moving on...there are raindrops again sounding outside my bedroom window! So comforting when I am curled up all cozy on a tempurpedic mattress with my pooch snuggled next to me and the digital clock reading 5:07 am. Why am I awake at 5:07 am is the issue.
Missing Michael.
The sound of a car passing by the window on wet road....immediate recall of hearing that same sound while a child in my old bedroom growing up. (We lived near Arrow Hwy and you could hear the cars pass by ONLY when the roads were wet. Which was rare because California was/is known for its droughts. Such a cool sound. Brings an instantaneous memory throw -back when I hear it).
Missing Michael again. Wondering what it would have been like to have been awake with him...at 5:07, hearing that sound, and then having a conversation where I commented on this thought process I just had of old memories from current sounds. And then asking him what sounds triggered memories of his childhood. And now...wondering what his answer would've been. Thinking about how he would've looked in his tow-headed childhood days. Remembering pictures I'd seen. And, as tears start to course down my cheeks...recognizing that he probably would've just cocked his head at me, before tugging on his work boots (this was the time of day he would wake up to get ready for work) and say, "Really Suz? I don't know. So what are your plans for today?". Of course, it he wasn't busily preparing for his workday...and we were just sitting and talking over a meal or such, I could...with more coaxing...get him to share some of his memories. That was a fave thing for me when I first met him. Hearing him tell me the stories of his life. I'd sit and be amazed....for his was very different from mine.
He was New England. I was California. He was Catholic...I was brought up pretty much on just the childhood prayer said over a meal. The one about God being Grace, good and to thank him for your food. Jesus was mentioned pretty rarely in my growing up but...I knew my parents believed He was real, loved them and us...and that He was God and heaven was a place where my brother, grandparents and others would someday greet us when we died. But when Mike and I actually MET.....we had both come to a point in our lives where we discovered Jesus in a personal and real way. At the time I held my chin in my hands, sitting on the stoop near his room, listening to him recount his wild days as a teen and during his early 20's....we both shared Christianity as a common ground. But...the other differences remained.
He was shy with an extravert streak when you knew him. I was an extrovert with a shy streak.
He was solid and grounded in common sense and logic. I am more on the free spirit side of things. There's definite piercings of common sense mixed with... more of an intuitiveness.... when it comes to logic. However I would quite dogmatically argue the common senseness of my decisions and conclusions with Mike if we disagreed!.
Another difference between us...Michael could do crazy, intricate math stuff instantly...in his head. He was so smart on the left brained things. While I...am smart in non-mathmatical things. Definitely a right brain girl.
Mike was a GOOD person. On the inside. Deep. Full of integrity. Pretty much the most loyal and integrity-filled person I have ever known. Despite the chapters in his life where he squelched it.... before he gave his all to Jesus....Jesus knew it was there. He'd put it inside him...when he was first designed. So when the Lord grabbed hold of Mikes heart...I don't think Jesus needed to pour into Michaels' heart integrity. I think he just unplugged a hole already there where a ton of it had always been. And the ton always there, inside of Michael, far outweighed the piddily amounts that are in most hearts. Definitely the amount inherent within mine. And I so miss that. I was so lucky to have such a man as my soulmate. He was my anchor. When I had an ethical decision that I was wrestling with...I would ask Mike. Because I knew what Jesus was telling me. But squelching heart whispers is easy...and becomes easier with practice. So it was extremely comforting to be able to just ask Michael what I should do. He was my go-to on all things ethical. Comforting because I could trust that Mike would give me the "human voice verification" of the heart whispers the Holy Spirit had spoken to me but which.... for probably a slew of convoluted sinful reasons ...I would try NOT to hear.
Best example. Mike and I had moved to North Carolina and lived in this teeny town. Yep...a "town". Not a "city". Not a large town either. But bigger than a village. :). So here we were in our sweet small town and I pull into a gas station to the drive up window to get a pack of cigarettes. (It was the 90's and I was still terribly and verrrry addicted to nicotine back then) So...they're closed! And here is was only the early morning hours (I had worked a night shift and was on my way home). Sitting there in my drivers seat staring disappointedly at their closed sign...I decided to offset my nic-fit with a soda. I could see this rather lonely-looking vending machine standing several yards away in the gas station parking lot. So I gave it my 50 or so some cents...and wallah!!! We're talking Vegas Jackpot! All these coins start pouring out! So cool! It was a ton! No one was anywhere nearby. My first thought was....."Wow!". And I am proud that though number two was..."Where's the person I return these to?". Realizing afresh...NO ONE IS THERE. IT IS CLOSED. Hmmm...that is where temptation comes in.
Because, unlike Michael....I am not full of inate integrity. Mine I think...is learned. I wish I could say I was like Mike. I miss him sooooo much. Beyond words. Partly too...because of situations like this where he was the human voice to Gods whispers.
I knew. I knew God would have me return the money to the gas station. Return once it was open for business and give it to them then. But...as I scooped up all that money.... (Did I mention it was ALOT of coins...quarters too)....I could feel a part of me trying to squelch his whispers. And this other part...warring with that part and telling me...go ask Mike. Because...I knew. I knew what Mike's answer would be. And I loved that I knew. And that I could ask him. And that I would then do the right thing. So I did. And he did. And I returned the money. I still remember the incredulous look on the face of the worker when I pulled up to the drivers window and handed them the big bag of coins.
And I welcomed the feeling of being free (odd, but that was the feeling I had) as I drove back home. Would I have done the right thing without Mike....I think so. But having Mike...I didn't need to find out. Because I knew. Jesus was my reason for being honest. Mike was the weapon I knew I had and could pull out against Satan's encouragement to keep it. (And yes, for those of you who don't believe and find my use of the name, Satan, to be....on a par with saying I'm a Hare Krishna... ...Satan is real. My use of his name is not bizarre or extreme...he really is real and the temptation I faced to keep the money I knew then, and know now...was fueled by him or his minions. That fact there is tinder already in my heart that Satan can light a match to...is a sad truth. Everyone of us has tinder. But those with more innate integrity...like Michael..have less.
I remember another time....this was more than a decade later though and we were now in Savannah. Michael wobbled on an issue. The thing with integrity is that you always "know". You "know" just as I "knew" even as I scooped up the coins and whooped...what God would have you do. What is "right"...by His definition, not the worlds. But it's so easy. Soooo easy...to cover that "know" in your heart with a blanket. It's like...you pretend not see the answer in your heart. You deliberately shut your ears...but the words still get typewritten like a text message...on your heart. So you choose to not look at the screen...if you don't read the text, it's like you never got it.
Though Michael briefly wobbled, in the end....what was the "right" decision was the decision made. The funny thing is...I don't remember exactly what the decision was about. I just remember...seeing Michael wobble! It was a first. It was significant. It had a huge impact. Yet I don't think I ever told him. It just was jarring to me. Because in that brief moment, standing in our bedroom and 'not' hearing the immediate "right" decision come out of Mikes mouth but...the wobble.... just brought home that we are only human. I count myself so thoroughly blessed that my integrity go-to, my Michael, ...never failed me. Only one wobble during our 28 years of best-friendship and 25 years of marriage. But....I remember recognizing being warned that day in my bedroom when I saw him wobble. Given enough time or circumstance....Satan can make any "human" wobble. And most men fall. Whether our moral choice is small (such as my vending machine jackpot) or large.
Bottom line take away I had that day was simply that No one should ever have a person as their integrity go-to. It has to be God. Because....people ...will fail.
I miss Michael. I miss my anchor. I have Jesus. But a human voice is louder than heart whispers. I could always count on Mikes voice...to echo the Lords' heart whispers. So lucky was I.
No comments:
Post a Comment