Recent lifemix of holiday blues & actual smidges of ....real joy

November 29, 2014.
I went to a Support Group for those who have lost their spouses. It was last week.  Wanted to see if it would be of help since I am still often having such a hard time.  Several things were helpful.....  I got to hear the phrase "grief attacks".  I like that phrase.  It's very apt.  Grief attacks....feel like mini to major heart attacks actually.  The abrupt onset of a pain that literally takes your breath away.  Feeling a ripping pain sometimes and other times a horrible hurtful heaviness in your chest. Other times a pain that feels like your heart is being literally shredded within you.  Hand to chest. Breathing hard. Blinking tears while you tell yourself not to dwell...not now...think of something else...and fail so the sobs rack you.  Or...you succeed and just blink away and wipe the tears off as you fumble to put on sunglasses on a cloudy day because you are pulling up to a teller window or you're pulling into your spot and need to get out of the car. Or a new conversation is starting that you must now join. 
        The support group was predominantly ladies much older than I.  Only one male.  Most had been married 45 -  65 + years.  My  25 years with Mike seemed

small by comparison. Their losses were much fresher than my 14 months. It was odd.  In some ways  I could tell I'd gotten past "some" of the initial hurt, bewilderment and confusion they were swimming in.  Yet,  in other ways...I was "right there with them" in their pain and hurt and confusion. 
       With Thanksgiving and Christmas looming,  that was a topic for all...how to get through them. The dismalness of the seasons. When it came time for me to talk, I had difficulty describing how this year was different and yet...the same as what they were going through...their "first" holiday round.  The best I could come up with was that this year the holidays felt like "a different kind of awful". 
        Like the others, I had no heart to put up decorations. I will be by myself this year for the holidays.  First time. Amie is in Florida and Katie is in Tennessee. Why even bother decorating. Of course I have the decorations for my vacation rentals that I "have" to do.  But cards? a tree?  No heart for it. Though I did try to get the girls to agree that we'd each buy a "charlie brown christmas tree" and put them on a table in each of our little "neck of the woods".  I figured if we did that, I would still feel somehow connected to them during Christmas.  And there's no decorations really on a Charlie Brown Tree. But the girls were not game for the idea...so it drowned. 
         And then....(this is the good and really cool part of this past week)....the Lord poured out grace and mercy into and onto my bruised beaten up heart. 
       Amie came up for a few days from Orlando. Sick.  Pharyngitis and conjunctivitis.  She called and said she needed her own bed and would rather drive the four hours to her own bed from the urgent care to her own room than squeeze into the one bedroom apartment shared by three girls and her cramped and lonely top bunk.   It was very healing ....on both our ends.  During our talks about the upcoming holidays...the idea blossomed that, maybe,  totally 100% "new" decorations would be better than....none.  Ones that would focus my weary heart on something other than past christmases and Mike.  But to focus on why we celebrate Christmas to begin with...ones that would allow me just to "see" Jesus.  Nothing else.  We were buying new " non-contaminated" replacement  toiletries  for Amie due to the pinkeye...and wouldn't you know.  A major sale...on easy fake trees...prelit even. And some other decorations that were so different from my usual "kidsy" decor.  All ones that pointed upward...not inward.
             It is odd that the christmas decorations  now adorning my living room actually... and  poignantly.... bring to my heart's mind...just...His love.  They aren't triggering memories and so aren't scrapping off the scabs covering the wounds on my weary heart. 
              I am now one week past that support group meeting. It's been a painful week.  Even with Amie here...and gone.  And now Katie here for Thanksgiving...the Heart-Grief attacks keep plunging in at all times of day and night.  But,  I know I am not mired in grief.  For that I am glad.   I AM covering distance as I traverse this yucky dirt-like path God has me on.  It's a horrible path...dirty and strewn with broken glass and upon which I am barefoot and bleeding.   And these other spouse-less grievers are on similarly awful paths. I just don't know if their paths have the Lord over the next hilltop or walking alongside.  We didn't get into it (rather surprisingly to me).  But...while the paths are not identical...they're similar.  And despite being "right where they are" sometimes....I also know I'm further down mine.   But not because there's mile markers on this road!  Chronologicity has no impact on the amount, frequency or durantion of emotional pain... in my opinion.   Because it hurts as much now as it did 14 months ago.       
         I used to have this multifaceted prism hanging in one of the windows of my home. It would always bring a smile to walk in and discover dancing  rainbows spots of various colors and shapes on my walls. Usually they came only in the morning or afternoon when the light hit it "just right" from "just a certain angle" .   I feel like my relationship with Jesus has the same kind of multifaceted design as that little prism.  Over the years, I became comfortable seeing the Lord from the same angles.  I knew well the designs He made on my heart.   But...over the past 14 months though....it's been like layers of dust have covered that prism.  Light had a progressively tougher time getting through it.  The weather outside seemed non-conducive too...cloudyness and rainy. Rainbows haven't danced.  When I even saw them...the colors were muted and the shapes were familiar but hazy. The last few months, it's like the prism's been first dusted off, then windexed...finally....elbow grease has been applied and it's been scrubbed.  And light is shining through alot. Almost like before...but also very differently.  
         I can gauge the emotional distance traveled since Mike died (since chronological months don't work) by the changes in my relationship ...with God.   That has become my yardstick.  And that walk has been like that prism. The colors that dance on my heart come from new angles and facets with new shapes and old colors have hues that have deepened.  Before Mike got diagnosed with cancer...Gods light and presence would hit me like that prism in my window...usually from the predictable angles and always with reflections on my heart that were deeply satisfying.  But now!  Unexpected facets are being illuminated. The reflections being poured onto my heart come often unexpected  and lightening- fast and they pierce...but then disappear...only to reappear again with such new designs and colors. And the emotions they bring are both heartwarming and very humbling.
          When you think about it... our closest and most familiar relationships are usually with family members we've known for years.  They can be kinda one-dimensional in a way because you know each person so thoroughly that you always just relate to them in the same way.  Always a particular level and depth. It's easy to become unaware of all the other ways you could relate to them or they to you.  Because you are seeing them through the same lens...same light dynamics each time.  But if you had a relationship with them as a friend, or co-worker etc..you might find facets of their personality you weren't aware of.   A bit like a prism... :).  The Holy Spirit is gently and lovingly creating new patterns in my relationship with Him these past fe months. The reflections He draws for me resonate with such tenderness!  They're like... ..unspoken heart messages from Him to me. 
        I remain far from grateful to Him that I am on this path. But ....I sometimes can read vaguely a few of the words when I demand from Him... "why"  He wanted me to walk it.  But the entire sentence containing His explanation remains elusive. Probably only when I get to heaven myself will the entire reason for this walk at this time in my life and our marriage become clear to me....cause to me I cry out usually that it just "makes no sense!"  And then I dissolve again into water . 
      But.....I have smidges of joy of late too.  One of which came when I heard Carrie Underwoods newest song on the radio "something in the water"  the other morning for the first time!  I immediatly recognized me....in the lyrics!  They bring back that specific night.  Back to 1978.   Just me and the Holy Spirit/Jesus/God...alone...in my bedroom one night.  I was wrestling..again! That night was the third time in a two year span that I spent wrestling with Him over a decision I knew He was asking of me. And I'd been resisting it.....even though 98% of me was agreeable.  The 2% that night that was "not" was a pretty fierce competitor to overcome.
     I've never had a decision other than this one that took so long to be made.  I was only 17 years old when I discovered, through a sweet friend at work...that a decision even existed! She shared with me that Jesus wanted much more than  just Saviorhood from me.  He wanted to be my Lord.  "Lord" Jesus. What??  Savior was a no brainer.  Did I want Hell or Heaven?  Had to have Jesus to get to Heaven. Agree you believe He was who he said.  Okay.  Easy breezy.   Now onto living my life as I want.  I didn't realize back then that even the demons and Satan recognize Jesu is who He said he was. I wasn't really doing anything more than they do when I was a youngster "accepting" Jesus died for my sins.  But I thought I was.  So...when my friend told me Jesus wanted to be "my Lord"...THAT information was completely new.  And I was pretty taken aback by it. 
         What does "Lord" mean?  I mean...I wasn't living in the mideival days of yore.  Kings...Lords...serfs....all that was in history books only.  Even modern monarchies are not viewed the same...they're simply decorative really. Not like when you committed your life to honor and serve a King...aka...Lord...aka My Liege! This was a whole new concept. It means He would have power over me...and my life. While this concept of what Jesus wanted from me was new, it wasn't palatable! Especially at the tender age of 17. I was just getting into the part of life that was "my own".  The years that were to be mine to lead.  And I wanted them to be fun!  The 1970's California version of "fun".  Lord of "my" life?.... Don't think so.  Move over and let Jesus sit in the drivers seat of my life?  Don't think so.  Hence....the wrestling match began.  It took me two years.     
        Listening to Carrie Underwoods song....brought back that night in 1978 like yesterday.  And the truth of the lyrics.  It's true.   I was "changed".  At age 19.  That was the night I finally gave the other 2% and  yielded Him the whole 100% of me.  I moved over to the passenger seat.  (Still holding onto everything in my lap from my drivers seat days of course....but that's another story :).  
        While the initial change when the Holy Spirit washed me right there in that room is a memory that I will treasure always...He keeps you growing...and changing.  Sometimes my growth stalled.  But it didn't wither.  My faith and walk just kept putting its roots down deeper . Sometimes God's pruning seems like mini hatchet jobs.  But growth continued and pruning is often necessary as any gardener will attest.  During the prunings...Mike was such an anchor.  Then.... Mike died.   And I hit a winter in my growth I've never experienced before. A relationship that felt barren in a barren landscape.   But spring started months ago....and sunlight began to filter back through my dusty  relational-prism.  Penetrating slowly through the feelings of regret, hurt, confusion, betrayal- and attacks of such intense eye-dimming pain, God is changing my growth...deepening it with facets and angles through which I see Him that are new.  That mix joy and pain together and create a humbling emotion...one that recognizes the blend is filled with His Grace.
       

    I think I'll go back... at least once more.... to that support group.  It wasn't really healing for me.  But it wasn't non-healing either.  Seeing others who were in the same pool of drowning was beneficial for me.  Recognizing that I am "right where they are" in that horrible awfulness called grief.  Yet I am also much farther along than before on "my particular path" God has placed before me...at the same time. Grief roadways have similarities...splintered, dirty, muddy, rocky and strewn about with broken glass shards that cut deeply and make you bleed...even hemorrhage at times. But each path is unique.  And...just because they have similarities...the direction they lead are often not the same.  Mine...leads to a closer walk with Jesus.  The end of the road...will be reuniting with Mike in heaven.  The length of it...unknown. But my heart breaks for those who are walking similar roads and they have no knowledge of Him...He is not the destination.  Their road is simply circular.  While they may find secure footing and even grassy and soft areas as their individual journeys progress...they will never feel His hand reach out to steady them as I do. Nor is it His door that is at the end of the journey.  That is the truest saddest thing to reflect on when I think about others who are going through loss.   And why the christmas decorations I now have up are such a blessing to me.

   

What's wrong with this picture?

I keep seeing in my minds eye a drawing of a nest, no eggs...no little birdies inside.  And two birds perched on the rim eyeing the emptyness within and a cocked eyebrow at each other with the wordless question, "Now what?" in the air.  And the air always had a sense of anticipation and excitement in the drawing I had in my minds eye.  But now...there is only one bird perched on the rim of the recently emptied nest and the expression hardly holds anticipation.
     This is a tough couple weeks.  Katie finally got the post college graduation job she deserved...in Tennessee.  So only a few states away.  But the whole thing happened like a tornado.  She'd put in a resume online. Got the call stating interest and how soon can she interview.  She and I went up to TN a few days later, she was told she had the job a few days after our return, we returned a few days after that to get her an apartment and again, a few days later again, to move her in to said apartment.  Truly a whirlwind.  Suddenly...she's gone.  And Amie remains at her job in FL for the rest of the year. And suddenly....and I mean "suddenly" I am whammed into the empty nest.  Without Mike.
       I knew this was coming.  Actually encouraged the girls to continue with their lives and get those post graduation jobs and move out and start their own lives.  Because they should!  That is what parenting is about....seeing your children become independant of you and able to survive on their own and make their own way and have "their" lives.  But it still sucks.  (Yes I hate that word.  Yet there is not another that ever comes to mind to convey how sucky ucky and yucky....not having Mike and dealing with life without him has been like without deteriorating into sobs and painful adjectives such as "raw, bloody anguish".  So....will stick with how life feels like a giant sinkhole has swallowed me up and I can't climb out and know I should and am angry, hurt and very very bewildered... that I am sitting in a sinkhole to begin with.  And there are times you just want the earth to cover the dang think up with you inside and be where there is no more of the pain. To be in heaven with the Lord and with Mike!  I'd be done with the whole "gotta climb out" deal. 
         Depression.  Not really a major force going on in my heart.  It's actually just anguishing pain. And anger. With little toe dips into depression....the shallow ripples is all.  Not where I'm in over my head drowing in it like those such as Robin Williams and others who actually do the worst thing possible and least trusting in the Lord thing that there is in this world...and take their own lives.
        Nope.  I'm gonna live mine.  Not necessarily thrilled or excited about it though. But I will live it. 
          And in time...hopefully be happy. 
          There's so many things that I could do.  Teach ESL oversees.  Go on a Mission Trip.  Do Cruise Ship Nursing. Look into Dialysis Cruise Nursing and retraining for that specific type of cruise.  Do travel nursing.  Enter the Peace Corps. .Become a Missionary. Or just...volunteer, volunteer, volunteer.  Lose weight and go on Jenny Craig or start doing Zumba daily. Read.  Sell the house. Sell everything!  Move  far away.  Move closer to the girls.  Move back to California to help out with my Mom.  Or.....Move to a 3rd world country!  I heard they're very affordable.   Sell vs Keep ...the house....the business.  Run it myself or...Let someone else run it for me.  Whatever should I do???? 
        I remember when Mike and I needed a new stove and I told him I wanted one with only a few knobs.  Not the hightech-can't figure them out with all the various buttons and bows on them- ones.  I like things simple.  Too many choices are not a good thing.  I don't like even menus with too many choices...simple is better.  Too many options just leaves you floundering.  Even the gameshow Let's Make A Deal knew not to put more than 3 doors out a time.  There's so many choices that I can't decide on anything....  At least, that's what it feels like for me.
        I know Amie will return for a time next year.  So I should maybe not sell anything quite yet...that decision is one that is at least made.  I'll wait another year or so...maybe.
        I am still quite angry at both Mike and God sometimes.  There are unfinished conversations with Mike.  I'm upset that between Mike and his workaholic tendencies and God with His sped-up timeframe, we didn't get to have those conversations.  I need some of them so badly.  But...the opportunities were squelched by so many other things crowding their way into the little bit of time we had left. So I am left with unanswered questions and unmet reassurances...about alot of things.
        I wish our marriage had been on a perfect "high" when he found out he was sick.  It was on a "good" foundation.  Just before he died...it moved back to a "great" foundation.  But...it was a different "great".  Tinged with other aspects that made it unlike the earlier times of Great or times before in our marriage when we had been on actual "fantastic" footing together.  But the road of marriage is very very hard.  Marriage and Parenting are the two hardest things you will ever have to do in this life...in my opinion.  Yet the two most worthwhile. Communication and, even above that...showing that you actually "value" or "treasure" one another....are the most basic needs in each. And you can roll the top need into ...communicating to the other that they are valued by you.  That is my regret with Mike...too many times and in too many arguments did he not see that.  Knowing the times he did...doesn't make it easier to deal with the realization that there were so many when he didn't.  I actually need to remember the times when he was not the perfect husband and he was not the one showing value so that it is a bit easier to handle the times when the one un-valuing the other was me. Cause Mike was definitely the one "valued" best. And yet....I still wonder...sometimes. And I especially wonder if he really knew....how much I treasured him.  That is something I wish on no one else.  And I now understand why my friend, Carla, who'se husband had died when they were both 50, spent so much of her time with me encouraging me and every other wife she knew to "value" your husband.  Because you don't want to be living a life without him...wondering ...did he?  ....throughout all those many many many many years together.... just how much you did.  It's the greatest gift you can ever give to one you love.  Forget hallmark cards.  Forget gifts.  Forget everything other than recognizing and doing something with the chances given you (that you are probably squandering) that would make them realize that this person holds such immense and priceless value to you.  As a person..as a mate...as a child.
        For me, I was in both relationships...parenting and marriage...and saw both through eyes blurred by pain and exhaustion and hurt in between the times of joy, laughter and hugs and love. The times when I had to drag a physically and/or emotionally drained self back to the other person in the relationship because I "knew" I was to persist in smoothing it out and forcing out of the muck we were in the design for it that I knew in my heart God would want for it... is beyond tiring.  Far far easier to clam up and just let the other "do whatever" so that you can tend to the "you" in the relationship. Which is the problem with parenting today.   Parents aren't willing to expend the perseverence ...the exhausting perseverence that is required.  And Satan has ensured with the two income family that the line to exhaustion is much much shorter than ever before in our history. And marriage and parenting require such unselfishness.  Because you can't give into the exhaustion and be "okay" with not going the extra mile to smooth things out with the hubby or lovingly enforce the required discipline needed with a child. I remember wanting at times to just "let it go" at times with parenting....when they'd answer back in "that tone of voice" or was disrespectful in some other manner.  It's exhausting to keep having to "parent". Persistence in the face of exhaustion... is true parenting.  "Let it Go" is the selfish persons road to parenting. Yet...the world will tell you to "let it go"..."take care of yourself"...."focus on the big things"  etcetera.  In life.  In marriage.  In parenting.  But...nowhere in the Bible are those things found.  God doesn't tell you to "take care of yourself".  Unselfishness is His Goal for us.   Hence....he gave me kids.  He doesn't say "focus on the big things" but He is concerned with the most minute aspects of our feelings and hopes and dreams.  And this is where I failed sometimes in marriage.  Spending more concern on the we-isms of what is best instead of focusing on the him-isms of what Mike sometimes needed from his mate.  His BFF.  His rib .
       So.....while I muddle through this muddy thing called living in a house all by myself without kids and...without Mike.  I think I may have to get some others insights into how they coped.  So I have signed up for a grief support group for those who've lost spouses.  Since there is such a huge difference in the loss of Mike after 25 years of marriage and 30 years of best friendom than from what it was like for me when I lost my Dad, Grandparents, Friends, and even the miscarriage.  So...  I'll see what this is like and if it is of help.   And I will still occassionally blog out my meandering thought processes on the ultimate journey that I am on...which is life.  I realllllly need to get out there and do some sort of volunteering.  I am leaning toward soup kitchens.  Maybe driving meals on wheels.  Again....I want to but...I also feel stuck in the mud as to the actual implenmentation of anything.