Today I had to come to acceptance of yet one more loss in my life.
It wasn't about Kronk...our beta fish who jumped out of his bowl to his death yesterday. Though tears were shed. I really loved little Kronk and he'd been with us for close to 3 years. It hurt even more than the loss of Adolfo...Amie's carnival goldfish who defied all odds and lived close to 4 years and who was found belly up only a month ago. Maybe Kronk jumped trying to find Adolfo...as their bowls had been next to one another for years.
No...this loss wasn't about fish. And those tears were brief. They were fish.
And this loss is much more heartfelt. And to some...it may seem even more insignificant that losing Kronk and Adolfo. Yet to me...THIS new loss is searing. While it may seem insignificant to many...it is not to me. Today I accepted that I have lost a part of me that has been a balm to my soul, a salve to my hurts, and that has soothed me in my pain as a child and teenager, young adult, and grown woman.
I have always had, at least to my ears...a most beautiful singing voice. I regaled the neighbors from my swingset as a youngster. When I was a bit older, I dreamed of being a singer actress. Of course, I never told anyone. It was much less likely to bring ridicule if I persevered in my twin desire to become a nurse. But even when I auditioned for high school plays, there was in my heart the desire to have my talent confirmed. If it had been... I think I would've gone for it. But...I was only cast in the chorus for the musicals and never given a solo role. So.... living without the desired but unrequested confirmation of friends, family or drama teachers due to my fear of ridicule if I confided my dream to others...I graduated high school early and went on to become a nurse. Not a bad choice. But oh how much I still loved to sing.
And I have. In the shower. As lullabies to the girls. In church. I never had the time to commit to a church choir which is one reason I was always drawn to the churches where you could sing from the congregation. And compliments always flowed from those around me. I know I wasn't crazy that I could sing and sing well.
Even in college, my sorority sister asked if I would sing in her wedding. Karioke was always a hit for me...lots of compliments.
But it was in my singing to the Lord privately...whether in the car, in the house, walking along the beach or in the shower...where I would spill out to Him in songs I made up as I walked all my hurts, prayers, joys, thanks, sorrows. Just all my feelings. So often for the past 4 decades have they been sung to Him. It has been a huge part of our relationship.
To lose the ability to sing to Him beautifully... hurts. But over the past few weeks, I have noticed that age is catching up to my singing voice. There are catches. breaks. cracks. And this morning as I tried to sing....I also accepted. And sang to him with a myriad of cracks, breaks and catches my made-up-song of thanks for letting me have that gift for all the years that He had. And how much I had loved singing to Him with a voice that sounded beautiful to MY ears.
I know that my song sounds beautiful to HIS even when it is cracking, breaking and even should it be the equivalent of caterwauling to another mere human. For any praise and conversation with Him is a thing of beauty to our Lord Jesus.
But this morning is when the loss of my vocal ability to sound beautiful....is now being accepted by me as what it is...to me. Another (very serious) loss. And I am grieving.
I hope I can still do the occasional karaoke song. I will have to see. I never do karaoke often as it is...usually just when I'm on a cruise so only once or twice every year or two. So I may truly stink the next time I try it. Which will be hard since I actually just won the "Pop Princess Karaoke" contest on my last cruise to Italy. But that was earlier this year.
Before the cracking and breaking and catches began. I will still sing in church congregations though quietly and maybe in whispers at times. And I will always make up my lyrics and put my prayers to song when talking with the Lord. Maybe. I might just start talking them out loud instead of singing them out loud if singing them starts to sound to painful to my own ears.
Goodness but pain is so much a part of life. And I don't think I am the best role model of christian joy in the midst of grief which...only causes me more pain.
But I am not 100% joyous over life without Mike. I still miss him soooooo much! And the loss of my Mom is still very hard. Yet here I am yesterday, reading of martyrs who gladly went to their deaths singing of the hope and joy they have in God and how life is nothing compared to that joy. And then there is me. Waking daily to the (and always seemingly fresh) realization...that Mike is gone. And recently too, that my Mom...is gone. And a cloak of sadness falls upon me. I throw off the covers, blow air out of my cheeks and get out bed while trying to throw off the coating of sadness in the same motion. But....I would love to not have this happen every morning. To wake up to just the joy of my salvation.
So this morning...same thing happened. I woke. Thought of Mike. Missed him and got up out of bed trying to throw off the sadness and marched to the shower. Tried to sing and bam.
The need to accept that I am losing the ability to sing beautifully was first on the list of my day evidently. Loss...again. Different kind. This loss is a poignant one to me. It's impact on me is one that needs to be noted...at least by me. For there is a definite impact. Though it may seem so very insignificant of a loss to others. Who may feel the fish were more deserving of grief. But for me... the loss of the ability to sing beautifully to my own ears...well...I guess you get the idea.
So moving on. Cause that's what you do in this life. There's already a new fish in the fishbowl. And someday, when I get to heaven...I will SING! Sing loudly, Sing exuberantly and...sing BEAUTIFULLY. To MY ears. For the lyrics are my gift and praise to my God. The beauteous sound they make to My ears ...have always been His gift to ME. One I will so love to get back again in heaven someday.
