I am alone now. Katie lives in Tennessee. Got a great job there after College Graduation. Amie is now in Kentucky doing summer stock theater post her graduation as well. Happy for them. Except for me, the dog, the cat and 2 fish....the house is empty now.
I'm realizing that as much as I love and adore the girls....having either one or both of them home does nothing to make mornings any easier. This is not about physical presence or physical aloneness.
It is about the fact. The fact I have to wake to each morning...like an amnesiac who has to be told afresh about their life every morning. Mike is GONE. Not on this planet. Not a text away. Not a call away. My phone and my alerts won't go off. I won't get the "hey, wanna grab some lunch" calls ever ever ever ever again. Mornings are horrible because the realization is fresh.... every darn morning! HATE IT!
After crying again this morning. I figure I feel like a piece of old ceramic pottery that has been glued all together. I used to feel like brittle super fine china that was breaking into pieces. But now I'm thick ceramic with globs of glue sticking out. But somehow....remaining in one piece. Not a pretty piece. But all the parts are there. Except for half of it. And it is awful. Lonely. Painful. Wrong.
Usually...I try to put this into perspective with my walk with God. But right now I don't want to. It's not all "okay" because of God. I'm not Job. I'm very not perfect in my walk with God and walking with Him isn't making my mornings a breeze or light and wonderful. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to God. Trying to be okay with His decision is not simple and not immediate. Sometimes I am closer to it than other times. THIS is not one of those times. That is usually in the afternoon and early evening. The times when the fact Mike is gone ....has had time to meld into my daytime consciousness better. And I've had time to listen to Christian music and talk with God about "other" things. But first thing in the morning wake up and get out of bed times.... Suck.
