And I continue to be very much at a loss on what my life is "suppossed" to look like now. The past few months have been trying to figure THAT out...and it is painfully exhausting...and has led nowhere really. The fact those months involved the holidays made it that much worse. But...they are past. So happy they are behind me. And delighted that the girls lives are being blessed by God and paths have been laid out for each of them which are exciting and are answers to prayers. But...that leaves me with the same beleagered thoughts of the past year crowding back in all the more....what should my life now become? Should I move to "Small Town USA"? or maybe... Ecuador? Back to California? Back to North Carolina? or...whereever the girls have moved to... once they're firmly settled? Should I sell the Manor? Should I sell my house? Should I change everything to long-term rentals? Should I....Should I....Should I....are like little hammers in my head. I feel like my life was this puzzle and Mike & I had a pretty darn good idea of what picture we were putting into place....together. True...the overall picture was still hazy, but we had a some outlines we were thinking about....together. Then.... smash. All the puzzle pieces went flying! Lying on the floor. Scattered. And now, I am supposed to pick up those pieces and try to piece together a new picture...but using the same pieces. I am at a loss. And I so need Mike. Want him. Need him. Miss him. Daggers of pain with each puzzle piece I pick up. Memories right now.... just plain hurt. Like a pincushion is full of dull-edged and sharp-edged pins...my heart hurts when memories get pulled out and hurts even worse as I try to thrust them back inside. For awhile, I considered a move to Paradise, California which was a place I loved as a child. No memories of Mike there. But....when I went to Barcelona with the girls last year....there were no memories of Mike there either. But thoughts like... "why isn't he here seeing this with me?", or "oh...he would've loved this..." still caused heart daggers to fly. And whether in Spain or America....old couples (especially the ones holding hands!) are in every country.
But this blog is not to be all about my pain but more about something better. I have two....really truly good things happening now. Initially after Mike died and throughout the months he was sick....the girls and I walked in His peace that surpasses understanding on the prayers of family and friends. But, as you know from earlier posts, about three weeks after Mike died...my own personal walk with the Lord....fell into an abyss. Because I wrote about it in earlier posts, I won't go into the details. Just that the dismal fact I was faced with two losses... both Mike and my closeness to my God, was a huge blow.
But fast forward to now :).....Getting past the painfulness of missing Mike....is still ongoing. However... my relationship with Jesus is smoothing back out and returning to the textured. full-bodied relationship it used to be! Not that it stays even-keeled. Like earthquakes that can shake things abruptly...my walk still has some of those. But, as a California native, to me they're like little 4.0 tremors that do no real damage. They do serve as warnings though that life can be built on fragile ground.... so get to the rock! Getting back to a close relationship with Jesus...has NOT been easy. There was no magic wand to wave in the air, or a "magic" prayer to recite, or a task that I could complete and...wallah...instant closeknit relationship was mine again! Instead...I read several christian books, my Guideposts, kept singing out loud and listening to praise music, hearing my pastors sermons, staying close in friendship to others who know him and ....PRIMARILY....heartwrenchingly and daily pouring out beyond-number, beseeching (even often on my knees) prayers ... to Jesus. Asking that HE pour HIS faith in HIM back into MY weary, torn, bruised-up heart and soul. Those prayers have been the ropes tying me to Him as I've worked to penetrate through this barrier separating me from His lap.
You know how people like to say that if there's distance between God and you...."who moved?" Because they like to point out that God wouldn't move away from you. So, basically...it is your own fault.
Hmmmmm. I think, in this situation it didn't happen because I moved. I knew I needed His help..... to get past the anger, the hurt, the complete bewilderment of why He would allow all this. Actually, finding out I was so far from Him and the sudden distance between us came as a surprise to me. I never felt like it was I who moved. By the time true anger at God came into play (about 3 months ago)....distance between us had been established far earlier in the game! I guess I imagine it best if I describe it as if I was on one of those moving escalators you find at airports. Mike died and there I was... standing right next to God. In His peace and yet...totally broken. And IT (this escalator I was standing on) moved me.....and kept moving me....far away from God. I never voluntarily walked away. But I found myself suddenly distanced from Jesus....like a riptide. And trying to swim back to God...resulted in just getting tired...and getting nowhere. And feeling like I was drowning.
Even though it's been 16 months, there's still swimming to be done and much healing to undergo.
Word to those who know people dealing with grief/loss....
Recognizing the fact that Mike is "just fine" and "happy as can be" in heaven...does not help. So many people think that telling me that is enough for me to "get over it" and "be happy". Frankly, the knowledge Mike is happily frolicking in heaven is "sometimes" simply irritating. Good for him! Yay! I AM glad that he is is a heaven filled with fantastically heavenly things so much so that it will probably take him an eternity to enjoy all that ...and he gets to be face to face with GOD! Mike deserves all that heaven can pour out on him...he was that wonderful of a man and that true of a servant to Lord Jesus. That understanding is beyond words our blessing and our hope. But it doesn't ease even a smidge the bottom line "hurt".
But I am healing. Gratefully so. Because of the girls for sure. Their presence in and through all of this....has been such a gift from God to me. And my heart is not as raw. That is also because of time. My heart still has scabs and scars from the past 16 months. And those leave it misshapen and it still oozes each time the scabs get bumped and hit or torn. But....it is better than it was. Which isn't really saying all that much but....I'll take it. I do know that despite the girls and time, most of the healing that has taken place the past few months...and that got me through the holidays...is simply due to Jesus. I know these are weird adjectives but they describe it best..... I am utterly and "exhaustedly relieved"...to be out of that abyss. I feel for those taking this journey without Him. How awful that must be.
I reflect alot on all sorts of things. Grief puts a whole new telescope in your hands. A few days ago I was reading I John. (Its really short so it was easy to read and then reflect on its entirety...which is kind of rare in the Bible). Earlier in Acts, Jesus tells his disciples that , because they had seen him (risen from the dead and alive) & believed, they were blessed. But how much more blessed were those who would come after them...those who hadn't seen him...and yet believed.
Yes, that'd be me :). Its weird to go through this distancing from the Lord and repair of my relationship and yet know that in spite of all of that (!)... Jesus says I am "more" blessed that those disciples who were actual eye-witnesses to Jesus. And I loved recognizing as I read I John that John is so emphatic in his letter. He so wanted to get across that others can believe and should believe because he was an eye-witness. He was telling them what he had actually seen! Very cool.
So...the rain is ending. The sun is peeking out. The weather report says it will actually be a beautifully sunny day. Even though I have no idea of what the answer to all my "should I'...." questions "should" or will be ...... I like what Amie said to me last night about it all....
"Relax". "Leave them to God". "He'll show you what to do... and when".
%2B-%2BCopy.JPG)
