This was my letter to a sweet friend in Christ who wanted to let me know he is still praying for me a year after Mikes' death..... it summarized where I was and am at this particular moment in time.....
I appreciate beyond words to hear you are continuing to pray for us.
This journey remains difficult. For Katie and Amie...they've shared
that it really is only in the past couple months that they've "really"
began to process their Dad is truly ....gone. Not surprising given
how chaotically busy they were this past year with completing their
Senior years, midterm/finals, graduations, resume preps/job searches
etc.
But now....the searches for jobs continue but their lives have slowed
down. And...while they say time heals, time also is needed to allow
for reflection. And with reflection comes realizations. And with
realizations come emotions that get bottled in and tamped down when you
don't have "time" to let them penetrate. For me....it's been very
hard and... lonely. I understand why swans die when their mates die. As
for my personal walk with the Lord...wow. What a twisting and often
tortured journey that has been. I think my relationship and faith in
Jesus is stronger "now" probably more than ever before in my life. But
the journey and convoluted path it went on over the course of the past
year....feeling separated, betrayed, hurt, confused, empty, and horribly
apathetic in my relationship was not fun. And you end with such an
understanding of what it means when you sing, "I surrender all" so
blithely with hands raised. A heart-opening understanding that makes you
loathe to sing such songs. While I don't doubt that I will always be
willing to surrender all...I was surprised to find I had many, prior to
losing Mike, unrecognized "conditions" of the hows and whens
"surrendering" would take place. There is alot of prior acquiescence
involved and expected actually. Kinda like in a church nursery when you
have two two-year-olds wanting the same doll. You quietly and lovingly
"explain" and "encourage" the one holding tightly to the doll to "share
it" and let the "other have it". Until the child is ready to finally
GIVE the doll only to find before they can do so that the other abruptly
snatches it out of her hands! Even though ready to relinquish it only
moments prior, that is replaced by intense anguish & stormy tears
that it was "snatched" just before the first girl was "finally ready" to
let it go. That describes how Mike died. We understood he was going
to die and we'd have to say goodbye but we were hoping for and actually
expecting at least two or even more months. Then it was just cut off.
In one day everything turned upside down resulting in a discharge not to
months to spend together still...but to hospice and death within a
week. The nursery analogy fits perfectly in how I felt.
What was also interesting was to find that I loved Mike much more than I
loved God. Never knew it. Would've sworn otherwise. But boy...if I
had died during the first 4/5ths of last year...I would've entered
heaven and pushed right past Jesus to find Mike. Eye-opening. I don't
know what it is like to lose a child. I've heard that loss of a spouse
is the most intense loss. I think I believe that. Although the number
of years married and the quality of the marriage bond would affect
whether that's true in all cases I'm sure. But Mike and I were together
30 years, & married for 25 of them.
My dad died when I was 21. Miscarried a baby. Lost grandparents,
uncles, aunts, and one very close friend and several not so close
friends. But nothing. Nothing .... has been like the raw ripped
maceration that has been this loss. Unbelievably so. I know there's so
many people with much worse going on that "only" the loss of a
spouse. Been trying to keep loss and life in perspective and not get
lost in a morass of self pity and mired in grief. Knowing I WILL see
Mike again...oh my gosh how sad it must be for those who don't know
Christ and the blessed hope of that truth! But...even knowing that
still means that joy, peace, and closeness to the Lord...is not always
my life partner. Much more now. But before that past month or
so....was totally missing it more often than not. Still not having the
joy I used to have. Happy yes...often. Cause happy is very superficial
and fleeting. In/Out/here/there. Before Mike died, if I'd been asked
how I would want to "handle" it, I would say I would hope to be "an
inspiration :)" . But I definitely wasn't spouting scriptures and
smilingly proclaiming how God is good and I'm so fine cause He is
supreme and has me in the palm of His hand. Actually...alot of
scripture spouting by friends or in cards felt abrasive. Initially. The
best that I loved....Psa 34:19
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". It acknowledged the pain.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". It acknowledged the pain.
I'm one to be very honest in my relationships...both with the Lord and
with the girls. So they've watched me struggle and I've described to
them my faith/walk struggles. Struggle is real. I feel kinship with
those who've experienced and empathize that type of relationship better
than those who spout well-intentioned god-isms. I have found in all
this that struggle in faith and in my walk with the Lord hasn't kept me
from a deep and real relationship with Him ....because it IS a
relationship. It has honed the trust and honed the faith...which is why I
think I may in my best place ever with Him. But it remains
tinged...with alot of various emotions. Not all of which have
dissapaited.
And for the girls... I am relieved their own personal walks with
Him have roots that go deep. I try to get them to talk to me of their
feelings but they keep most of their tears private. But we share enough
to know..... it is well with our souls. Initially during Mikes illness and right afterwards, we literally walked on prayers. His
peace that passed understanding was so ours. But then....the peace left. Reality rushed in.
And pain became its siamese twin.
We
are better in many aspects. But this journey is like a diamond with so
many facets to it. So some facets...much better. Others....not so
much. Other facets, only now coming to our realizations that they exist
and what they look like when you view life through them without Mike.
So thank you, thank you, thank you for your ongoing prayers.
Now...enough about me and the girls. How are YOU!!?? I know the path
God has you on with your own health struggles while you balance out the
hopes and dreams you have for a long and fruitful life with "your" girls
has to be tough to navigate at times. And maybe you are always "great
in your walk" unlike me :). And I shall strive to become like you!....
and inspire many.
But if you're not always "great", then that is a special place that I
lift up when I pray for you. The "valleys" and unexpected "gopher holes"
that are on those paths we walk with Him that He carves out
specifically for each of us.
I pray for your health, your beautiful family and your beautiful
relationship with the Lord. In Nicaragua, I mentioned to Bill that the
Lord put on my heart that you had a heart like Timothys (in the
Bible). I actually have been given the gift of discernment. So it's true.
Well, there you go. One random "how are you?" garners this
long-winded discourse and update (since I never would have this kinda
time when I see you between sermons) on what life has been like. But
the bottom line remains...I feel very blessed. Because of the Lord, the
girls, my friends, my family and because of prayer warriors and
brothers in Christ such as you! Thank you William.
Love, Suzie
