Unshared Swan Song

January 20, 2014

I am 54...just turned really. And my first birthday since I was 26 that wasn't celebrated with Mike beside me. Because he just died....3 months and 26 days ago. Our world turned inside out seven months ago with a cancer diagnosis that came out of nowhere. And despite chemo and being a man who made Rambo look like PeeWee Herman, Mike ....died. It still is unbelievable really. This blog...this is about me. About existing, living, and trudging through a life without my soulmate. When I looked at other blogs by widows, many appear stuck in bitterness and awfulness even years later. Not helpful. I don't want to be them. Yet I understand them. But I have a faith in Jesus. Which means I can't be stuck forever in this despair....can I? So...I figured I would share the up, down and sideways of my particular trudge through this mire called widowhood in the hope it may help others who find themselves abruptly thrust onto this particular and very empty, lonely, rocky detour that I am on. One that I so did not expect to come to so soon on this earthly pilgrimage that was delightfully being shared with a man God gave me as my mate when I was 29 years old. I had swans atop our wedding cake 24 years and 10 months ago. Irony reigns. Swans die when their mate gets killed. I thought the two crystal swans atop our cake were symbolic of our love, not reflective of how I would feel now...mate less and understanding why the swan that remains after it's mate gets killed or dies...also goes off and dies. Not that I am suicidal...but I "get" the swan.

 Now...to digress a bit.  Because this is the start of my bloggings.  Some may wonder why I so "totally get" a swan.   To understand...you have to go back to 3 months ago, and then to 2months ago. Others may believe that they, thru personal journeys of their own...already get the how and why of swan analogies and metaphors.  In which case, you may not feel any need to read earlier writings to enjoy the later ones of this blog. You don't read the whole book...but skim till you find the chapter that does hold your interest.  And skimming is still better than never opening the book at all. It still allows you to get the "gist".  And gists can have an impact....albeit a diluted one.   Like a breeze is to a hurricane.... Gists leave you lightly touched...not soaking wet and torn. So not reading the prequel to this blog doesn't mean the rest of the story-unfolding isn't worth your time.  Because....I kind of hope...down deep...that sitting here typing away might have some teeeeeny, positive or helpful impact...maybe?  on someone? somewhere? sometime?  And won't be merely a
Me, Myself and God convo. Though that is not a bad thing either :).
          So I will start my mental meanderings along this black and white, New-Times-Roman-font, non-brick road (called blogging). Any wishing to know the prequel can find it by clicking to open a new tab/window, type caringbridge.org in the search bar.  Find Michael Schulz.  Click and read.   
 Now...to two specific people...I issue an authoritative directive that you are to read the prequel... on a when-you-someday-feel-like -you-can-timeframe. (Yes...hitler-ish. But it is what it is...and it IS an authoritative directive! So I call it the way I see it). It is the rare but powerful pulling of the "Mom-Moment". For you two lovely ladies...there will be no skimming on my blog entries either. :). You two are to....find the pearls. Don't miss them. Dig them out of the mud and grist of sentences, shine them up...and hold them close. Just as incredible pressure upon iron ore forms diamonds, it is through journeys and life experiences carried out "in Him" that the Lord creates His pearls (of wisdom). While I am certainly no awesome fount of wisdom, He has placed within my musings, reflections, and meanderings.... pearls. And they are my most lasting gift to you two. Obviously, I never got into wearing the ones from oysters...they sit unworn for decades now in my jewelery boxes. Those belonged to Mom and Nana. So they hold sentimental value only & remain unworn. But..the pearls I truly treasure are worn daily.  Sometimes I just need to shine them up because I allow them to get dulled by the distractions of time and work and schedules and deadlines and such. It is these pearls...that I want to pass on to you two...even though you must search for and dig them out of my posts. For they're so there. God Given. And not to be cast before swine. :)